SI Seeking Straw Hat
by Undying Soul98
Summary: Step One- get dropped into One Piece. Step Two- join the Straw Hat pirates. Step Three- profit! "Seems pretty simple, since literally every Self Insert does it. I mean, just how hard could it possibly be?" (Self Insert/SI)
1. A Simple Question

**SI Seeking Straw Hat**

 **Summary: Step One- get dropped into One Piece. Step Two- join the Straw Hats. Step Three- profit! "Seems pretty simple, since literally every Self Insert does it. I mean, just how hard could it possibly be?" (Self Insert/SI)**

 **Chapter 1: A Simple Question**

 **AN- here I am once again, beginning yet another Self Insert story. This is my second foray into the world of One Piece, and I like to think that this first run at it has given me some experience in the matter. So, it is my hope that I'm able to evade the common pitfalls I made the first time round. Put it this way- I began writing One Piece Self Insertion before This Bites, and now it seems I'm writing it after too- and that fanfics influence on the genre is clear. This is ultimately my answer to the common trends seen in OP SI fics- this is NOT the average OP Self Insert story, and I hope you enjoy the ride…**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing. This wonderful world and setting belongs to Oda, and I am merely a humble tourist passing through, bumbling around like a cultural buffoon.**

"If there is one thing as a writer that I know when I see it, it's a cliché. And if anything qualifies for that, then it's this." I glared at the person sat across the table from me.

"What's wrong with this?" He asked honestly.

"Well, for one thing, the entire set up for this _stinks_. Firstly, I'm sent a stupidly suspicious and specific email which basically _screams_ Call to Adventure."

I was certain that beneath his unnecessary sunglasses, the 'man' was raising an eyebrow. "Was it not intriguing? You opened it after all."

"No, it wasn't. I just get irritated when my inbox hasn't been fully cleared. That one unopened email pisses me off, y'know? Despite how dumb your header was, I only really opened it to get it out the way."

"Now you're just being mean."

"It read, and let me quote it directly, 'Lonely ROB Seeks Helpless SI'."

Now said lonely ROB leant back in his chair and accepted my answer with a vague handwave "Okay, I admit that I _could_ have been more original. But this _is_ exactly what it says on the tin. Why pretend it's anything else?"

It took immense willpower, but I managed to avoid not pressing the issue. As a fanfic writer and reader, seeing dumb cliché's and unmotivated beginnings always bothered me- so it was _really_ hard not to lay into him. Still, I could have rattled off a hell of a lot of other things to nitpick him on anyway. Stereotypical 'suspicious email' was the least of his sins.

I mean _really?_ My screen sucking me up literally as soon as I read the message and not even giving me a _choice_ whether to accept it? A blank, featureless void for us to have our conversation in? And finally, the biggest sin of all, did he _have_ to take the appearance of Morpheus from the Matrix?

" _He isn't even_ trying _to get the characterisation right either."_ I huffed, crossing my arms. _"And I'm pretty sure Matrix parodies went out of fashion before the Matrix was even released."_

"You're thinking negative thoughts, aren't you?" The dark skinned, bald man chided me, waggling his finger at me.

One, his portrayal of Morpheus was seriously out of character. Two, what could possibly have given him the idea that I was _displeased_ by his display of shameless internet pandering?

"I mean really, it almost sounds like you don't want to be here." ROB announced.

"What gave that away?" I drawled sarcastically. "Maybe the fact that I didn't actually accept doing this to begin with? Maybe the fact that you've pulled me here in such an uncreative manner which means that this adventure is going to _suck_."

"Oh poppycock!" He waved my complaint away. "Every fanboy wants to enter their favourite fandom. Are you really telling me that you _don't_ want to go on an adventure in the wonderful world of One Piece?"

I hesitated. Technically the correct answer should be 'hell no! Screw this guy's, I'm going home!'. I'm far too genre savvy to assume that life in a fictional setting is a good thing. Its far more dangerous for one thing, as in the real world there is very little to directly harm me, while in One Piece every third person is tough enough to crush my head like an egg.

Even in the best case scenario of ending up like Jerimiah Cross from This Bites (Namely being a competent and awesome dude despite being technically being a normal Earth human), I could still end up horribly maimed or cause the plot to go to hell. Even if I could be _like_ good ol' Cross, I'm not him. In the worst-case scenario, I get enslaved by a World Noble or get murdered by the first murderous Pirate I encounter.

So I _should_ desire nothing more than to wake up with this encounter being nothing more than a dream…

… but, I'm a _writer_. And ROB isn't wrong in saying that every fanboy wants to be a Self Insert, even if only a little. And One Piece is a beautiful world to end up in, despite the danger. I think that despite everything, even if I knew this would happen up front, I'd still probably choose it. Now if only I'd had a different ROB…

"Hey! I'm great!"

"Wait, did you just respond to a mental comment? Can you read my mind?"

ROB gave me a 'no shit' look. "Well duh. I'm a ROB. _Of course I can read your mind_."

… very true. If he's got the nigh omnipotent powers necessary to be a ROB in the first place and set this up, then obviously mind reading isn't too difficult an accomplishment by comparison.

"Anyway, moving on. Since I've read your mind and already know the answer, I guess we can skip the whole blue pill and red pill thing then." With a shrug, he removed a pill case from his badass leather long coat and threw it over shoulder and behind him, where it rolled away and was promptly lost to the void.

"Well, if I'm here for the long haul, then I suppose we should get right to it." I shuffled around in my seat nervously. It was utterly mad- this was really happening. A ROB was really going to send me to One Piece. But the question was, just what kinda ROB was he? Was I going to suffer for my decision? Would my adventure become more Nine Minutes than This Bites?

And just what would happen to me? Reincarnation, dropped straight in, or body jacking?

"The middle one. You're going there with your own body as opposed to taking a native's." ROB answered. "Now, please sign this waver to indicate that I have no responsibility for whatever state you end up in, that this of your own free will and your own accord, and blah blah blah. All that good stuff."

In the blink of an eye an official looking contract with writing far too small for me to read easily appeared on the table before me, with a cheap biro next to it. "Hang on a sec- if Madoka has taught me anything, it's to not go signing no contract without checking the fine print."

"Go ahead." He smiled widely. Suspicious, I leaned in. The writing seemed to get smaller and smaller as I read, and literally all I could make out by the fifth line was random legal mumbo jumbo interspaced with what looked to be Latin.

" _Why oh why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?"_

"Because _of course you will_. There's always a catch!" His smile became trollish. "And I _am_ a ROB."

"Also, stop reading my mind. Its creepy and is an invasion of my privacy."

"Cooommmeee ooonnnn Sam. Wanna make a contract with me?"

He had to have made that reference deliberately, and he had to have known that making it would only cause my paranoia to sky rocket.

"The question now is _what_ the catch is." He rolled the pen towards me with one finger. "However, there really is no choice at this point whether you sign or not. Just take solace in the fact that I wouldn't need you to sign anything to begin with if I really wanted your soul or something like that. This is more a symbolic gesture, if anything."

Second passed, and the contract sat their unsigned. I knew this was a bad idea but…

I signed anyway. Because the ROB _would_ find a way to get entertainment from me, and its best to provide it before he forces me to do it.

"Good choice." He rolled up the contract, then stuffed it in his coat. "Anyway, don't despair! I don't intend to do a This Bites and drop you in there with only your pathetic self to entertain me- been there, read that, got the merchandise. Hey, you ever heard of Jumpchain?"

"Yes." Interesting idea in premise, being a Multiverse hopping story generation idea using a point based system to 'purchase' perks, but was terrible in execution from an actual storytelling standpoint.

"Welp, this is like that. You can 'buy' perks from me before I toss you in there, so it's not like you'll be entering One Piece unprepared."

A loud sigh escaped my lips, and I slumped into my chair. This was a relief in many ways. Being a normal person in One Piece is typically a Bad Idea, so it was quite comforting to be able to have _something_ to fall back on.

"So, what can I buy then? Is there a list?"

"No list. I'm a ROB- you can have _anything_." He told me, waving his hands in front of him in an exaggeratory fashion.

"Anything?" Alarm bells. Alarm bells everywhere. "So, what? I could get a... a random Devil Fruit?"

"Yup."

"And a body that obeys One Piece physics and is actually in a _good_ physical condition?"

"Not hard to accomplish."

"Hell, could I get a dumb 'D' in my name somewhere, because every other freakin' Self Insert seems to get one?"

"Fuck it. Why the hell not?" He shrugged. "You can have it. All that and more…"

Ideas rolled through my mind. Builds, ideas, discussions and memories. How many Spacebattles forum posts had prepared me for this? How many stories of this sort had I read? And how many broken builds could I already imagine when there were literally _no_ limits as to what I could ask for…

"What's stopping me becoming a Gary Stu?"

"Well, you only get THREE things." He announced, raising three fingers on his left hand to illustrate his point. "Next, there's the fact that if you game the system then _I_ will game you." He ridged his fingers and slid into the Gendo Ikari position of masking his face darkly with his palms. "Hell on earth, my friend. Hell. On. Earth."

I gulped. "Okay. No breaking the universe. Got it. So, just how do I pick what I want?"

"Oh- don't worry about that!" within a moment his serious demeanour was gone, and he was back to his silly old self. "Your choices have already been made."

"WHAT!?" I yelled, rising to my feet, and slamming my palms down upon the table. "When!?"

"Like, a minute ago."

"What, back when I was giving those examples?"

"Yup. Sorry, gotta take your first answer." He shook his head as if sad.

"Bullshit." I growled. "That rule only applies to quiz shows! Besides which, I was hardly answering so much as I was inquiring."

"Meh." He himself rose to his feet and tucked his chair neatly in. "Well, if you want I can always say 'fuck it' and give you nothing instead."

I paled. Nothing was worse than having _nothing_.

"There you go. Be grateful you even got three things from me. If anything, you're more than ready. Monkey D Luffy didn't need no stinkin' handouts. He set off to sail with nothing but his heritage and mysterious 'D' thing, a Devil Fruit power and a physically ridiculous body. Actually, scratch that. Luffy set off with quite a bit on his side." He coughed, as if to bring himself back on track. "Point being is that you've got _exactly_ the same advantages as him. Mystical heritage, Devil Fruit power and competent body."

"Fine." I suppose that I could deal with this outcome. I guess it all came down to what power I ended up getting. "Anything else we need to do?"

"Well, there's the _cost_ of your powers to consider, but let's not worry about it."

"Wait, there's a _cost_?"

"Of course there is!" He declared happily. "In Worm you pay for superpowers with trauma (Or lots of money) and in Jumpchain you pay with imaginary numbers. Well, here you just pay a certain toll to me for the sake of entertaining me, and then we call it quits."

Shit, shit, shit. "Let me guess, the bigger the power, the higher the cost?"

The only answer he gave was a shit eating smile. It was all I needed.

"Well fuck."

"Don't worry. Your requests lead to nothing life threatening. Embarrassing, maybe. But it's not I'm making you pay in blood or spirit."

"Well, what's the cost then?"

He opened his mouth to reply, only to clamp it shut instead. His expression warped to that of one of amusement. "Actually, I think I'll leave that as a mystery for now. More fun that way."

"Great." I rolled my eyes. "Anything you _can_ tell me?"

"Well, for everything you gain, you'll lose something in return."

"Anything that's actually useful?" Because would it _kill_ for the omnipotent power to give anything but cryptic bullshit for answers?

"You will dearly miss that which you have lost." The ROB warned darkly.

"Great. Is it too late to go for the 'Badass Normal' package?"

He made a big cross sign with his arms. "Yup. Limited time offer, and your warranty has expired."

"I had warranty? And it's gone already?"

"Shoulda checked the fine print." The ROB smirked as my eyebrow struggled to remain level with the rest of my face. Because he should _damn well know_ that I _couldn't_ read the contract's fine print due to him.

"I hate you already." I drawled.

"I don't care if you hate me or not. I just want something mildly amusing to watch."

Hang on, just 'mildly amusing'? I thought ROB's always wanted entertainment?

"Yes, we do, but I don't exactly have high standards for you. Not _everyone_ can be a Cross."

I was seriously getting tired of being reminded of how much cooler a protagonist Jerimiah Cross was than me. Wait- was I considering myself a protagonist? I know the saying that "Everyone is the hero of their own stories" but just because I'm in a situation remarkably like that of a fictional one told a dozen times doesn't necessarily mean I should legitimately start assuming that I'm literally a Protagonist. Because that way leads existential crises, because it's impossible to prove one way or another if you _are_ nothing but the entertainment of another.

"Sam, chill the fuck out. Even I have no idea if this is a fanfic or not, and I probably don't want to know." Announced the ROB sadly. "Keep your head in the game. There's always a Bigger Fish, and sometimes it's best not to think too much about just how many conceptual levels are above you, and just where you may or may not stand in the grand scale of the multiverse."

"Umm… that's actually some pretty decent advice."

"Yeah." He nodded, smiling quite cheerfully. "It's better to just ignore the issue and take out your existential identity crisis on entities far less able to affect you."

"… Great. My adventure starts with an incompetent ROB lecturing me on the mind crushing understanding of my insignificant place in the multiverse, and ends with the fact that said ROB is also so low on the food chain he can't even give me any clear answers anyway. Now, isn't this going to be _fun_."

"There is no need for that sarcasm." With a roll of his eyes he pulled out a second pill case. "So, you got anything else to ask me as this will be the last time we ever speak, or can I give you your medicine yet?"

"Hang on, I thought you tossed them?"

"Nah- only the blue pills. These bad boys are red." And with that, he took the top off and emptied a single pill into his palm, before presenting it to me. "Now, are you ready to begin?"

I merely sighed. "Fuck it." I had nothing else to say really, and was more anxious if anything. The sooner I took it, the sooner I could find out what my 'cost' was. After that, I'd need to figure out a game plan.

With nothing else to ask, I took the pill and tossed it into my mouth, and then I swallowed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Thus, keeping with the theme of 'incompetent ROB', once I ate the pill he didn't even have the common decency to bring me into the adventure gently, by letting me fall unconscious before dumping me in the world of One Piece.

No. Rather than this quite simple idea, the ROB merely waited for me to finish swallowing the pill and then gave me a cheery shrug and a massive shove. I had the brief sight of a portal of some kind opening behind me, then I toppled backwards through it.

Now, in any other story the portal would lead directly to the world and I could promptly forget the involvement of the ROB and just get on with my life.

Instead, I was in a tunnel. My journey wasn't an instantaneous one, and I would apparently have to endure this trip before arriving.

The question then for me was why this tunnel _had_ to be the Scary Tunnel from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That is not hyperbole. I was floating through a literal tunnel showing me trippy images of scary things like snakes slithering through a skull, a severed arm growing from an open stomach and…

Well, you get the gist.

Suffice to say, it was wholly unnecessary, and even if the journey was necessary it would have probably taken less effort on the ROB's part to just leave me in the darkness with some elevator music, or perhaps a crossword puzzle and a pen. I was 98 percent sure that the Incompetent ROB was only making me go through this experience just to screw with me further, as this would be one of his few chances to directly mess with me as opposed to indirectly.

Now if only the Scary Tunnel could just _end_ already. It had been going on for five minutes or so now, and I'd sort of become desensitised to it. I mean, once I'd had my crippling fear of spiders turned into a blunt bludgeoning tool of fear against me, what scarier a sight could it show me? Trump as President, perhaps?

Oh wait- its already happened. Shots fired.

"I'm bored." I said aloud. "Seriously ROB, you can't be finding this interesting. I'm literally sitting about watching the drug induced hallucinations of a ten-year-old sociopath that thinks edgy skullz are cool. You _can't_ be finding this amusing."

There was no response.

"Can I at least get some in-flight entertainment?"

An open book suddenly appeared in front of me and slammed into my face. Not the preferred manner I wanted it, but it was something _new_ at least. "Thanks?" I said hesitantly. Then I pulled it from my face and all my thanks evaporated like a teaspoon full of water left in the Sahara. For one thing, I was still in the Scary Tunnel, so the lighting was hardly conductive for good reading. Secondly, it was a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

"I take that back. Screw you Incompetent ROB!" No reply came. "Screw it. I hate having to refer to you as 'that ROB' or whatever. Your name is now IROB. Because that's what you are. You're a jerk, a literal Incompetent Random Omnipotent Being. Yes, it sounds dumb, but fuck you, I'm talking to myself."

At this I shut my eyes, opened the book and drooped it over my face, effectively blocking out the visual elements of the Scary Tunnel. IROB was bound to get bored eventually, right?

XXXXXXXXXX

He got bored eventually. Like, twelve minutes later bored.

I hope the sight of me catching some Z's in his Spooky Tunnel was the most boring seventeen minutes of his immortal life.

Either way, a portal finally manifested before me, and I shot straight through.

In a flash of light, the Scary Tunnel was gone. I blinked thrice to remove the spots from my eye, then realised I was still moving forwards.

No, not moving. _Falling_. My perspective had been off. I'd been plummeting down the Rabbit Hole the entire time, and now that I was in the One Piece world I was still falling.

And from my perspective, I could quite clearly see that I was rapidly approaching a large body of water.

"Screw you IRO-"

Then I hit the water, could speak no longer, and rapidly sunk. Salt water flooded into my open mouth as my mouth slammed shut.

" _I'm sinking. Shit! I'm sinking! I asked for Devil Fruit Powers, and now I'm_ sinking _!"_

I struggled, and I thrashed, and then I broke the surface and realised I was being a dumbass. I spat out water and laughed, my voice and throat feeling funny because I had almost swallowed a bunch of water. "I _struggled_. If I really _had_ eaten a Devil Fruit then I wouldn't have been able to move at all. Plus, I would have remembered eating something earlier, since IROB didn't knock me out."

So yay- I'm not gonna sink like a hammer. Alas, despite this I could hardly claim to be an excellent swimmer. The last time I went to a pool was a few years back on an especially warm day.

"Find land, find land, find land." I chanted. Oh look- a beach barely fifty feet away. Go, go, IROB based convenience!

And thus I swam, and swam, and then finally crawled onto the beach. I continued to struggle forwards for a few more metres, until I dropped down to the warm sand with a happy groan. "Thank IROB for giving me a fit body. That could have been way more painful."

So, what now? I was on a random beach somewhere, garbed in my tightly clinging wet clothes, and now stuck in the fictional world of One Piece.

What now?

"First off, let's get these wet clothes off. Don't want to get hypothermia or something." I voiced aloud to myself. I stopped a moment though, only just now really stopping to pay attention to my voice properly now that I wasn't stranded in the sea.

I don't know why, but it seemed… higher pitched?

"Fuck it." I muttered. "Clothes now, worry later, blame IROB for everything _later,_ later."

I started with my hoodie, shaping it into a ball and tossing it aside, then went for my T-shirt, gradually managing to tug it off. I had a lot more resistance in taking it off than expected, so I looked down.

I looked down some more, and then I stared. I stared intently, almost disbelievingly.

Because sitting right there, in my field of view, were a set of naked breasts. As in an actual set of bewbs. They weren't particularly large, being just two small mounds of flesh (only about a B-Cup, I guessed). I prodded one with my finger and noted that I felt the sensation. _I_ felt it. Apparently, these breasts were _my_ naked breasts.

"Oh shit. Please don't let this be what I think this is, _please_ let this NOT be what I think it is…"

I prodded again, and winced. Because I'd read far too much shit on the internet to not recognise the sudden symptoms of Spontaneous Gender Bending. And considering how my 'patron' was an _Incompetent_ ROB that seemed to love lazy tropes, what were my chances of actually having escaped this cliché?

"Little to none." I said quietly, only now recognising why I sounded higher pitched. "Little to none."

Only thing left to do was to check if _it_ was gone too. One fumble later and I could tell that I had the entire 'working package' of the average female.

I, Samuel Clarke, had now become something more akin to I, Samantha D Clarke.

Yet despite this sudden understanding that _yes_ , I had spontaneously changed gender at _some_ point in that stupid Scary Tunnel without realising it, the full ramifications of this had yet to fully settle in.

I knew objectively that things would forever be different now, but all I could do was laugh. "So, 'for everything I gain, I'll lose something in return' eh? 'I will dearly miss that which I have lost'? Could you be any more tongue and cheek with this if you tried, you damn IROB! I think that yes, I _damn well will_ miss that which I've _lost_!"

The only response was the repetitive sound of the waves crashing onto the beach, and the occasional squawk of the seagulls above.

"I didn't ask for, for… well, this." I gestured down to my body which I could barely look at now due to sheer embarrassment.

Speaking of which. "Shit. Still naked." And as a girl, in a world like this filled with a huge roster of ne'er-do-weller's and villainous pirates, laying around topless was _badbadbadbad._ I fumbled to my side to collect my soggy hoodie, and slipped it back on.

I was colder and wetter now, but also decent.

So now I was a _colder,_ wet, genderbent Self Insert… a statement I could never have imagined myself thinking. My day kept getting worse and worse, with little to show for it. Speaking of which…

"Hey IROB!" I shouted at the sky. "We had a _deal_. Now cough up my mythical superpower granting fruit, you jackass!" Because if I was going to suffer the drawbacks, I at least deserved the benefits I'd been promised.

A fit and non-squishy body, a fancy pants 'D' to shove into my name, and finally a Devil Fruit.

At this point, I heard the familiar 'whoosh' of a portal opening, and then felt something hard strike me right in the forehead, at quite high speeds.

"OW THE PAIN!?" I cried, rolling backwards and forwards as I rubbed my now swelling forehead. "WHY IROB!? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!?"

There was reply, again, because why would there be?

"Screw it. Bite the bullet, eat the fruit, move on." Because I would never get anywhere if I stopped every five second to lament about how shitty my 'patron' was.

I took the acid green grapefruit now to one side of me, wiped the excess sand of it, and then took a massive bite… before spitting it out.

From here, I thought I could give an analogy about how terrible tasting a Devil Fruit is meant to be, and just how bad it really does taste. But I couldn't really put it in words. I couldn't talk about how revolting it was, because there were no words I could use to explain the horrific nature of the flavour. There was no possible way for me to describe just what condition my tastebuds were left in following the initial bite, because fundamentally, this was a fruit that could not be comprehended fully by mortal palette.

It was ash and it was blood. It was tangy and it was sour. There was zest and there was sweetness. My mouth burned like a thousand chillies had just been shoved into my gullet, yet a bitter sensation of lemon juice and battery oil trickled from the dry flesh of the chunk of fruit. A million scents and tastes clashed, blending together like liquid ooze left to rot and decompose, as one giant cacophony which came together in an orchestral piece of sharp nails and razor wire being driven into the part of my brain that's capable of recognising what all my senses were sensing.

So in short, what answer I could give would be nonsensical at best and meaningless at worst, as _nobody can describe what the Devil tastes like_. "This fruit tastes of shame, the colours brown and yellow, and the dark side of Deviant Art."

Still, it _had_ to be done. I took a second bite, and somehow managed to swallow it.

There. It was done. I'd eaten it and would _never_ consent to ever taste another. Now to wash out this taste of _hell_ with something, _anything!_

I didn't even consider it. No second thoughts or hesitation. I leapt head first into the surf to gulp down the salty water of the ocean, uncaring of what it was save for that it would be wet and refreshingly cool, and forgetting the fact that I was now, y'know, a _hammer._

I skidded into the shallow water, flinching immediately as I touched it, before the first wave hit me and stole the strength in my body, while my arms buckled beneath me. I moved to push myself away, but by this point my strength was _gone_ , and then the next wave slammed into me and I could barely _breathe_.

And this was while I was on mostly dry land. I hadn't even been fully submerged yet. Hell, this water was shallow, barely a few inches thick, and yet it took everything I had in me to _not_ dunk my open mouth into the deepest of the shallow and start drowning.

"I-is th-is how _e-every Devil Fruit user f-f-feels_?" I asked through clenched teeth and clenched body. Because if it was, then truly each and every Devil Fruit user had to be absolutely _insane_.

"Don't think so, miss." A voice called out. From the corner of my eye I could see an elderly man in a Hawaiian shirt and a… a _fedora_? "I must admit, I've met one or two Devil Fruit users in my lifetime, but I've never seen anyone suffer quite so badly from the seawater."

"H-how did you know I was a-"

"Because you've been shouting about it like a lunatic for the last five minutes, there is a swirly patterned grapefruit a few feet away with two bite marks in it, and you just asked if 'this was how every Devil Fruit user feels?'," the smile on his face was teasing, but I wasn't amused. I was sure that if I could move I'd be flailing about like a toddler in the bath.

"Th-then why am I so… so… affected?"

"No clue." He shrugged. "Still, it's not nice to leave a young lady like you to struggle in the shallows like that. My wife would send me to the sofa for a week if she found out I left you."

"L-less anecdotes, more saving!" I pleaded.

"You sure are a prickly girly, aren'tcha?"

"Sh-shut up, you jerk!" I snapped.

He laughed. "Yeah. My wife is going to love you." I heard his feet, then felt two strong hands pick me up. I expected him to be weak considering his age, but he was quite wiry. He moved a few feet back, and then gently placed me back onto the dry sand.

"Dry sand! I can move again!" I yelled, delighted, running my hands through it.

"Yes. Dry sand. Its new and novel and great." The old man said dryly. "Now, do you want to keep messing about down there until the tide comes in some more, or do you want to get up and head over to my house so my wife can actually get you some dry clothes?"

"… the latter please." Then, with as much dignity as I could muster, I got to my feet and looked expectantly to the man. He rolled his eyes, and began to walk. I followed.

XXXXXXXXXX

A five minute walk later, and we reached a nice little cottage overlooking the sea. The cottage itself was rather humble, with white painted walls and thatched roof. There was a wooden porch outside it, and sitting there in a rocking chair was a little old lady in a plain dress… but also another fedora.

" _I guess both of them share the same taste in clothing,"_ I noted.

"Oh, Horace, who's the wet rat?" the woman croaked.

"Who are you calling a wet rat?" I snapped.

"Verte, this is Cactus. I rescue her from drowning in the sea."

His wife frowned. "Oh my, that must have been an ordeal. Hang on- if she was drowning, how come you're bone dry?"

"Oh- she was drowning in the shallow end."

A beat, then the old hag began to cackle. "Kekikekike!"

"Its not funny!" I defended myself, crossing my arms stiffly. "I literally just ate a Devil Fruit. It was… kinda scary actually. If he hadn't found me I would have been stuck there until the tide came in, and _then_ I would have died."

The luck of humour passed from her face. "Yes, that does sounds rather scary. Well, it's over now. You're fine, and safe, and all that. Now, come on in so I can go get you some of my daughters' old clothes, Cactus."

"What's with the dumb nickname anyway?" I demanded. "I do have a name."

"Which you haven't given out yet." Reminded Horace.

"So, for now you're Cactus. Because you're so prickly." Verte continued retorted.

"I am not prickly!" I argued, before realising that in doing so I was just reaffirming her claim. With a sigh, I shut up.

"Seriously, head on in." the old man, whom now I remembered was called Horace, insisted. "Hell, we even have a shower so you can clean yourself off too."

I headed past the pair, to the door, then stopped. I turned around, and told him "Thanks," in a very serious tone, because there really had been a big chance that I'd have died if he hadn't found me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I went into that bathroom knowing my shower would have to be quick- the quickest I'd ever had in my life- if only due to the awkwardness of having a new female body. Normally I love long, relaxing showers, often taking up half an hour of my day by standing under the high-pressure nozzle if I could. But today I just couldn't.

I removed my clothes (all of them), and dumped them into a pile by the shower cubicle, then just took a moment to look at my body. Every instinct inside me wanted to flinch and turn away (This wasn't my body- it couldn't be, it _couldn't_ ), but I'd never believed in denial. IROB offered me anything, and like it or not, I asked for a fit and One Piece level body, and IROB had delivered in the worst way possible, like any good Jerkass Genie would.

I forced myself to watch- to take in my full body, because I was going to have to live with it from now on. I couldn't deny it, or avert my eyes from the truth. Aesthetically, I'd lucked out. I wanted a fit body, and I had it, in both meanings. I was slim, my stomach lacked flab, and my arms and legs were that of a runner's, while my eyesight was probably better too (As I hadn't had the urge to fumble for my glasses since winding up here). I was pretty too, though it felt strange to check myself out in such a fashion. My face was well balanced, my skin soft and my hair shoulder length and of the same light brown shade as my male self. More than that, I had curves, and my only real flaw was that by all rights my chest lacked the bustiness of the average anime heroine.

It was undeniable. I was attractive. And it was weird knowing that. I felt like some sort of Mary Sue just sitting here while announcing how pretty and wonderful I was, because I was used to being a fairly normal 19-year-old male. So I couldn't exactly complain that I'd been cheated by IROB- objectively this new body was physically and aesthetically better than my old one. I just wish that I was still in the body that I had been born in.

Before my mind went places it would best not tread about myself, I jumped into the cubicle and turned on the nozzle. _"Best get it out the way,"_ I was ready to lose all my control like before, but luckily, either because this was running water or fresh water as opposed to sea water, I could control my body in the spray, even if I felt sluggish.

I kept body contact to a minimum, washed off the coldness of the sea as best I could, and then rushed for the towel. Luckily, they'd left me some new clothes outside the door, so I didn't have to go too far to find them.

" _Now if only it wasn't a_ dress _."_ I glared at the distasteful garment that had been offered (a long sundress, of a more tasteful green colour), but eventually practicality won over and I put the offending garment on. _"Everybody gets one."_

So theoretically I was ready to leave the bathroom now and go re-join civilisation, but I didn't exactly want to. I had no delusions that I'd be allowed to stay here for more than a night or two even if the couple was willing to do that- generosity for a stranger goes only so far. It might be best to come up with a plan of action for myself as soon as possible.

"Right then, a plan." I clapped my hands together, and sat down upon the closed toilet seat. "A plan…" but what though? That is the question…

"First off. I need to find out what my Devil Fruit was, since IROB didn't give me any hints. No point having it if I can't even gain any benefits from it. Then, I need to guarantee my security. After that I worry about keeping the IROB happy so he doesn't drop rocks on me or cause the apocalypse purely to keep himself amused."

But how best to achieve this? Only way to keep IROB happy is to get into funny and/or interesting situations, and I doubt that he'd ever let me have a peaceful life. "The only choice is to head out to sea. But the sea is dark and dangerous, and filled with many terrors."

So, it's a matter of balance. Find a way to keep getting into exciting situations, _while_ staying as safe as possible, _while_ finding out enough about my mysterious Devil Fruit to make sure I'm competent enough to survive everything that IROB can throw at me.

"Yosh!" I exclaimed, slapping my cheeks with my palms. "As much as I hate to admit, I need to take a lesson from my IROB. Seek out the cliché, embrace the cliché, _become_ the cliché. I might get on at IROB for being uncreative, but in this case the cliché answer is the right one. It _is_ undeniable that becoming a Straw Hat is literally the safest option to take- its why everyone does it."

It's such a simple conclusion to make. IROB gets excitement and amusement by virtue of me being a crewmember of the future King of the Pirates, I get security by virtue of my future knowledge and having a bunch of nakama guaranteed to protect and back me up, and most of all its _easy_ for me to accomplish.

"Ohhhhh so easy." I linked my fingers together like a boss (Or rather, a NERV boss), and grinned widely. "If there's one thing I've learned from fanfiction it's that Luffy _always_ recruits the Self Insert! It's like a rule! End up in One Piece, find Luffy _somehow_ , pretend to resist his attempts to recruit you, but dive onto the first opportunity to board the Going Merry that you can find. It's just so _easy_."

I looked at myself in the mirror. A cute and interesting girl that's actually an interdimensional alien, who possesses a cool Devil Fruit of some description and with the Divine Backing necessary to be a Main Character. I'm literally a Mary Sue at this point, if you were to take my story at face value. There's literally no chance of me failing to become a member of his crew if I really tried to impress Luffy.

"Yosh. My goal is decided. Find Luffy. Show off powers. Question marks. Then profit, and ergo membership of the Straw Hats! Its foolproof!"

With resolution, I turn away from the mirror and throw open the door, ready to confront the elderly pair and find the quickest way to wherever the hell Luffy is. "After all, just how hard could it possibly be for me to join the Straw Hats?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Harold and Vega-"

"Its Horace and Verte." The couple interject, speaking as one.

"Yes, that." I waved off the correction. "Thanks for the shower and all, but I've gotta go! Time's a ticking, and the sea's a calling. I'm a gonna become a Pirate! Now, what the hell is the quickest way to get to Fushia Village?"

"Fushia Village?" Verte titled her head to one side. "Sorry, I haven't heard of it before."

"Fair enough, fair enough." I nodded. Fushia Village was quite a small place, so they obviously had no idea where it was. Perhaps a bigger location, but one still guaranteed to have a Straw Hat somewhere?

"What about Shell Town?"

"Nope." Said Horace.

"Syrup Village?"

"Nada."

"Fine. Where's the present location of the Baratie?" I finally settled on.

Now Horace titled his head slightly. "Cactus, what do you want to go there for? Isn't that the famous floating restaurant in the middle of the East Blue?"

I tried _really_ hard not the give him a 'well duh' look. "Because I need to go and become a pirate and that seems like the simplest place to go to wait for one since even pirates need to eat?"

"Simplest? Kekikekike! Little lady, why the hell would a restaurant in an entirely different ocean be the _simplest_ way to become anything!?"

"Because it's obviously-" Beat. I finished processing what I just heard, and it couldn't possibly be right. With the little finger of my left hand I cleared out my ears, and then looked at the woman attentively. "Can you please repeat yourself?"

She blinked in confusion, but did as I requested "I said- why the hell would a ship in an entirely different ocean be the _simplest_ way to become anything?"

And theeere we go. I had a dozen questions to ask, but I shouted out the most pressing of concerns. "What the HELL do you mean a ship in an entirely different ocean!? Where the hell are we?"

Horace offered a dumbfounded look. "The island of Baterilla?"

"That name means nothing to me." I offered neutrally. "Now seriously, explain what you mean by 'entirely different ocean'. Because if it's in the East Blue still, and we're here, then clearly there shouldn't be a problem getting there."

"You're making no sense Cactus. The Baratie is in another ocean because _it's quite literally in another ocean_."

"But this is East Blue!" I cried out.

"No it isn't, you dummy!" chastised Verte. "Baterilla is in the South Blue!"

"Then where the hell am I?"

Verte looked like she was about to burst a vein in her forehead, while Horace just looked resigned. They took a deep breath, and spoke as one, "You're on Batterilla island, in the middle of the _South Blue_."

"Ohhh…" A dainty finger found itself to my chin as everything finally started to make sense. I tend to have a problem whereby if I get really focussed on something I tend to block everything out, and then even when being told something perfectly simple and understandable the meaning will just go over my head as it doesn't fit into the narrow definition of whatever I'm thinking about.

I'd done it again, staring at the trees so hard that I ignore the forest. Or in this case, focussed in on the water and forgot the sea.

The world of One Piece is larger than just the Grand Line and the East Blue- there are four major seas in total, one for each cardinal point, and another sea crossing through the centre of the world. I wasn't in the East Blue. It was kind of arrogant of me to even assume that I _would_ be dropped in the East Blue, especially when there were four other _oceans_ I could have appeared in. Just because most fanfics start there because their authors are terrified of straying from the Stations of Canon and don't possess many details of the other Blue's doesn't mean that _I_ would be brought to the same location too.

Just a twenty five percent chance of being lucky enough to land in the Weakest Ocean, were we to discount the entirety of the Grand Line too.

Instead, I apparently rolled badly, and turned up in the South Blue.

There's one big, bad thing about this though.

" _If I want to join the Straw Hat Pirates then I'm in the wrong body of water entirely! Monkey D Luffy is quite_ literally _an ocean away!"_ I fell to my knees in despair, but pushed down that emotion.

"Before, I asked myself how hard could it possibly be." I spoke aloud. "Now I know. It looks like it will be quite a bit harder than I anticipated. Quite. A. Bit…"

 **AN- and that's a rap. We have our protagonist and the premise, and I think even this early on that we can both tell** _ **exactly**_ **where this fic is going to go. This fanfic is named 'SI Seeks Straw Hat' and it is fairly self explanatory. This is not a standard adventure per say, nor an exploration of characters or story divergences or anything quite that profound. Nah- this is the tale of a _journey_ and the _goal_ of said journey- one that answers a very simple question: "Just how hard could it possibly be to join the Straw Hat Pirates?" **

**Stick around and read more, and perhaps you'll find the answer to that query.**

 **So- insert the usual messages here. Rate and review, follow and fave, and thanks for reading. Until next chapter… Undying Soul out.**


	2. A Partial Answer

**Chapter 2: A Partial Answer**

 **AN: Well, this was a bit later than I had hoped. Unfortunately, stuff happens sometimes, and this post got a little delayed (Oh well, one and a half weeks is** _ **still**_ **fairly fast on the update schedule, at least by my writing standards). Either way, I got a pretty good reception to last chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter too. I know some people found the genderbending a little bit offputting, and a little but unnecessary.**

 **Fun fact- this fic could work exactly the same without the gender change… but then again, IROB is an incompetent dick. And I think I have learned through** _ **much experience**_ **that since I enjoy putting my Self Inserts through hell and back, I should probably dispense with the formalities, and just roll with it.**

 **Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to the almighty Goda, praise his name and his capacity for world building and feels inducement.**

" _Before, I asked myself how hard could it possibly be." I spoke aloud. "Now I know. It looks like it will be quite a bit harder than I anticipated. Quite. A. Bit…"_

"So then, Cactus, how long are you going to kneel there?" Horace eventually asked me after about a full minute of me giving into total despair at my situation. "'Because, your knees are bound to be aching by now."

"Just… give me this moment, okay? I feel like I just need _one_ moment to futilely lament my situation before I get up and _walk it off_."

"Care to tell us about what your little freakout was about, girlie?" My eyebrow twitched, almost unconsciously.

"Well Verte, sometimes the world disappoints you. And sometimes you tend to be _very_ wrong about something you were _very_ certain of. And then there are those times where you just wonder if it's even worth getting out of bed the morning."

"Is this one of those times?"

That was a silly question. I'd made a terrible deal with the most uncreative ROB ever, had been tossed into One Piece, was presently the wrong gender, and had just found out that any hope of an easy journey to find Luffy had just been sucker punched. So yeah- a shitty day.

I scratched my chin idly. "I think so. Honestly, I've just found out that I'm _literally in the wrong ocean compared to where I thought I was_ , and now I'm going to have literally cross half the world if I ever want to get anything done."

"Still not quite sure what your problem is or how you could get so lost you forget which body of water you're in, but you do realise that barely ten percent of people ever get the chance to leave their home Blue, and most of them are either pirates, Marines or merchants?"

"Sure, it looks like it will be difficult. But damn it, I don't think I can give up now." Mostly because if I give up before I even _try_ to find Luffy my IROB will get bored and try to find other ways to draw entertainment from me, and because I _really_ didn't want to be known as that one Self Insert Guy (Still a Guy on the inside, dang it!) who gave up a life of adventure to work at a sandwich shop before he'd even _tried_ to set sail.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Horace queried. "Am I wrong in assuming that you possess literally nothing, which kind of puts a stopper in any cross oceanic adventures? Do you have a home nearby you can get to?"

"Let's just say that my home is very far away and the South Blue isn't my native ocean. I literally have no idea how I washed ashore here."

Verte shrugged, utterly brushing the issue off. "Fair enough. I've seen and heard weirder." And the sad thing was she likely had. "So, no home to return to, and nothing but the ill-fitting clothes off your own back. Your prospects don't look good."

"Yeah, but I also have a Devil Fruit power of some kind which will no doubt be awesome once I figure out what it is." I couldn't claim to be a True Spacebattler seeing as I barely use that website for anything but to read, so I wouldn't be making any orbital lasers any time soon, but I like to think I'm still Munchkin enough to figure out a creative use of my power (When I figure it out). "I'm sure there's some way for me to get a ride to the East Blue."

Horace just gave me an sceptical look and readjusted his hat. "There's a difference between 'hitching a lift' somewhere and finding yourself halfway across the world."

"I'm sure _something_ will come up." Mostly because IROB isn't likely to find the sight of me working my ass off at minimal wage somewhere- just to get enough money to find myself with even a _chance_ to get close to the Plot- very interesting to observe. I probably shouldn't rely on the fact that a literal omnipotent entity wants to get some entertainment out of me as a justification and means to get myself out of any situation, but it's not like I'm asking for a lot. I just need an opportunity- to be given a simple way to find myself closer to the action.

"Really?" Verte raised an eyebrow.

"Really." I agreed.

"You sure you don't want to, I don't know, find some level of _stability and security_ before you go rushing off blindly and hoping that you'll get lucky and _somehow_ find a way to get to the East Blue for whatever reason you want to get there for?"

"Don't be silly." Common sense is like the antithesis of a Straw Hat Pirate. I should probably get used to disregarding it altogether.

Verte merely rolled her eyes. "Fine. See if I care that you're gonna get yourself killed."

I winced. I was in no position to survive the Grand Line as I was now. If I didn't find Luffy, I would be in a _lot_ of trouble. Sheepishly, I rubbed the back of my head. "Ah- I don't suppose I could stick about for maybe a day or so? J-just until I actually figure out what my power is, y'know?"

There was skepticism in the old lady's eyes- but as she looked at me a small smile crept onto her lips. "I think we can accommodate you, at least for a day or two."

XXXXXXXXXX

When I woke up the next day, the first thing I did was push off my sheets, pull down my pyjama bottoms and clarify whether everything I remembered over the last day or so had been a terrible, terrible dream.

Unfortunately, the events of the previous day were clearly as real as I could remember them being- there is nothing quite as legitimising as finding a wild Cloyster in your pants when you expect to see an Onix.

"For the record, this is completely unnecessary." I said aloud, almost certain that IROB would be listening in… somewhere. "Couldn't you have given me _some other_ crippling weakness? Unnaturally clumsy? Horrifically ugly? Merely _looking_ like a girl? As a writer, I get that I needed _some_ kind of ironic payment for everything I 'gained', but _come on!_ This," I gestured at my lower plumbing," is a _dick move_. Trade in?"

The world was silent. There was no indication that I'd been heard, or that IROB would even bother responding even if he could. _"Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, he couldn't have picked a more ironic wording for our deal. I wanted a new body- one that complies with the laws of One Piece and stood a chance of letting me survive my upcoming adventures, and he gave me one- I just never specified a gender, so he fucked me over on that rather than one of the other ways he could have screwed me."_

So yes- I could kinda see why I'd been put in this mess. _"Though in turn, that makes me fearful of what my OTHER payments were."_

Afterall, I'd asked for three things: a new body, a Devil Fruit and a fancy pants D in my name. The genderbending was clearly the payment for the first, but what were the other two?

I had my suspicions about the Devil Fruit situation- especially as I'd been hit particularly hard by my brief contact with sea water. Even by my understanding of One Piece, my reaction had been particularly bad. But what, oh what, could the payment for something as abstract as a 'D' in my name be?

"Fuck it." I sighed, and pulled my bottoms back up. "Enough complaining. Enough musing. Big day ahead of me. Got things to do. Can't afford this shit."

And with that mild bit of self-motivation, I rose from the bed I'd been assigned, fully intent on getting ready for a full day of trying to figure out my Devil Fruit power. Except, there was one problem. In all my time, so far in this new world, there was one thing I had yet to do. Something I'd been dreading. Something that was going to be such a steadfast presence in my life, that I _was_ going to get used to it- whether I liked it or not.

"Oh no. I _need_ the toilet."

XXXXXXXXXX

I'd been sitting here, with my pants down (Literally _and_ metaphorically), for the last five minutes, and I still had only one question. "HOW IN THE WORLD AM I MEANT TO DO THIS!?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come on! Go, go Gadget Bazooka!" Nothing. "Kame Hame Ha?" The pose did nothing. "Trace on?" Nada. "Moon Prism Power, Make Up?" Luckily, I generated no response from using those last words. "Really though, what does it take to figure out what your dumbass super powers are!?"

It seemed like working on my Devil Fruit power would be a nice way to kill time (And distract me from those quieter thoughts I was trying to ignore), but honestly, I'd been getting such lacklustre results that I was wondering if it was even worth doing.

"Kekikekike!" Verte laughed from her rocking chair while she watched me stumble around outside the front of the cottage, doing everything I could think of to try and figure out what the hell my Devil Fruit power was. I knew that the power gained from eating a fruit was literally random, and that they were often abstract in nature, but this was seriously killing me. "I swear, seeing you struggle is hilarious!"

"Shut up, you old bat!" I growled. "I'm totally making progress!"

"You've been posing like a Super Sentai character for the last half hour, and looked like you were having a stroke for the hour before that."

"I was _concentrating_." I grumbled. "Very intently at that. And for all I know I ate the 'dance, dance' fruit and NEED to make ridiculous poses for my powers to activate."

"So, have you figured out anything in the last hour and a half of you making a fool of yourself?"

"Yes, actually." I told her defensively, crossing my arms sternly. "Ever since I got up this morning, I've been trying to figure it out in a very methodical fashion. I already know quite a bit."

"Like?"

"Well, I know I haven't eaten a Zoan fruit. I've tried to imagine myself transforming in every way possible and I've felt no change, so it's likely not that. Likewise, imagining myself turning into materials or most of the common elements hasn't worked either, so I guess I'm _probably_ not a Logia. I like to think that eating a Devil Fruit would give you some immediate benefit or changes, so there's nothing too obvious. If it was a Paramecia, it certainly didn't permanently change my body otherwise I would have noted too."

Not anymore elastic than before, not much harder, I still bleed and I don't feel much different.

"Maybe you ate the _Useless-Useless Fruit_!" She jeered.

"It's not like you HAVE to be here to laugh at me!"

"Maybe not, but this is the funniest shit I've had to entertain me in _weeks_. Haven't you noticed that I'm a little old lady that sits around outside her cottage all day? It's not an exaggeration to say that this is _literally_ the most interesting thing I can do."

"… point. Being a pensioner sucks."

"Heh- you'll be old and wrinkly and grumpy like me some day. Oh wait, you already are grumpy."

" _Come on Sam, calm down. She's just riling you up. DON'T do something you will later regret because you still need to eat and sleep and she's providing both bed and board."_

"Maybe we should just start throwing things at you and see what sticks?"

Wait- is she being serious? "Why the hell would that- OUCH!" I rubbed my arm, and then glared at her for throwing a rock at me. "That hurt. What was that for?"

"I'm _helping_." Then she threw another.

"Hey, quit it!"

And another.

"Seriously, it's gonna bruise if you- THAT HIT MY FACE!"

"You still look young and pretty!" She cackled, lightly tossing another stone from one hand to her other, then readied herself to lob it at me. "Now stop complaining and _do something about it!_ "

"I _will_ , you old bag of bones!" I sure as heck didn't want to be 'young and pretty', but even so, her attitude _sucked_ , and that rock had hurt, and for that alone I was gonna damn well do _something_ about it. Then she threw the rock, and it arced through the air towards me. _"I swear to god I'm catching that. There is_ no way _I'm letting that hit me. Then I'm gonna throw it at her and see how_ she _likes it!"_

My body was superior to what it once was, and so were its reflexes. I was still adapting to the new body (In more ways than one. I feared that I wouldn't _ever_ get used to hearing a stranger's words when I spoke, or seeing another person's face in the mirror), but surely catching a rock thrown in an arc at me couldn't be that hard in comparison, especially when I was concentrating and motivated like this?

The stone curved towards me, and I saw its path. I raised one hand in front of me _"Catch it, catch it, catch it!"_ , my stomach dropped in anticipation, then my hand met the stone… and I felt nothing.

"Huh?" My hand felt nothing. I looked down, then behind me to see if I'd somehow miscalculated the direction of the throw, but it was gone. "That's odd." I'd been meaning to catch it, and I could _swear_ that I'd touched it, but now it had just vanished.

"There we go!" Verte grinned like a vulture. "Progress!"

"What do you mean?"

"The stone is _gone_. My eyesight hasn't gone yet, and it undeniably vanished."

Now that she mentioned it… I _had_ been certain my hand had met it. "Then… where is it?"

"Why don't you tell me that, Miss Devil Fruit User?"

" _True. The stone is gone, but where? Is my power the ability to vaporise things or something?"_ I wondered, then I went on. _"But where did the stone go? Where? Can I bring it back?"_

Shrugging, I figured there was no harm. I raised my hand until it's palm was adjacent to my face, imagined the stone appearing in my left hand, focussing intently on the image of the stone emerging, and watched carefully. There! A slight tugging in my gut, as if some muscle I'd never used before was being tensed, and then a ripple appeared right in the centre of my palm. Except it wasn't really a ripple, so much as a distortion an inch or so atop my skin. A moment later and the stone shot out, flying up for a metre, until gravity took over and stopped its motion. It dropped into my ready hand.

"Huh. So that's where the stone went." The real question was, could I repeat it? I tried to replicate the feat, and imagined the stone vanishing again. The gut tugging sensation returned, and then the stone sunk into my hand. As I now knew what to look for I carefully made sure to memorise the process, and could almost feel something was being added to. I waited ten seconds, then imagined the stone returning to my other hand. Like before, the stone reappeared, but this time was slowly elevated from the ripple as opposed to being shot out like a fastball.

"Well, at least I've made progress." I said softly, because holy shit, I still had no clue exactly what I'd just done, but I'd just magically transported a stone from one hand to the next. This was proof that I had powers- I was a fucking superhero. Or, well, like every third person in the Grand Line. Still. "Hell yeah! I have powers!"

"So… happy I started throwing rocks at you yet, Catcus?" Verte smirked at me, with another rock _somehow_ in her hand again, despite the fact that I'd never seen her leave her seat and that she was on a wooden porch where there were no rocks nearby to pick up.

"No, because that was a jackass move." And then I _threw_ the rock at her, because I said I would, and she effortlessly plucked it out the air with her free hand.

"You're a few decades too young to think you can hit me." She said. "Still, while a 'jackass move', you can't deny my results."

I really couldn't.

"From what I know, Devil Fruits are mostly instinctive. It doesn't matter how much you overthink things and try to 'work it out'. You don't _think_ about it, you just _do_ it. Notice how as soon as you stop deliberating over how to do it, you were able to get some results."

"How do you know so much about Devil Fruits anyway?" I asked her. "I thought most people in the Blues were ignorant of their mechanics?" Or at least that was the impression East Blue gave me, since even a Marine Captain seemed largely ignorant of them, while everyone else seemed to think of them as myths.

"Most people are." she agreed.

"Plus, how did you catch that rock?"

"With my hands? I'm old, not out of shape?" The look she gave me was scathing.

"You get what I mean." I rolled my eyes. "Who are you anyway?"

"I told you, my name is Verte. When I was married, I took on my husband's family name- Mascade. But my maiden name is Portgas."

"So your name was Portgas Verte?"

"If you want to be strictly accurate it was Portgas _D_ Verte, but I hardly use my middle name anymore because everybody used to ask me what the D stands for, but I could never give a straight answer about it because the D just seems to be… well, Dee."

" _Dee? A fucking D!"_

I reeled for a moment from the revelation. Because holy shit, she just said she had a _D_ in her name! You don't just _get_ that initial handed to you! Admittedly I did, but I'm a Special Snowflake like that! But her- she's a natural born D. Plus there's that Portgas bit.

Where have I heard that name before? Oh yeah!

"Holy shit! You're related to Portgas D Ace!" I accused.

"Why yes, yes I am. He's my grandson through my dearly departed daughter."

"Holy shit! You're Portgas D 'I'm a gonna fire punch you' Ace's _grandma_."

"Why yes, yes I am. I just said I was, actually."

"Holy shit! You said these were your daughter's old clothes, so am I wearing _Portgas D Ace's MUM'S clothes!?_ "

"Oh for the love of-" Verte planted her face into her palms and groaned. "Yes, I am! Now are you done freaking out already?"

Good question? Am I done freaking out? Apparently I've been arguing with the bonafide grandmother of the son of the King of Pirates. Hell, she was literally the Mother in Law of _Gol D Roger_. So, am I done freaking out? "Probably not." I admitted.

WHOOSH! "Sonnuva-" She threw another of her rocks at me! "You threw a rock at me again!"

"I did, because you're being hysterical and _pissing me off_. Now pay attention because I'm throwing more rocks at you now, and if you have another freak out about just who grandkid is then I'll find a _really_ big rock."

"How big?"

"REALLY big." She threatened. "Now, start reacting. We're either going to bruise you black or blue, or we're going to find out what your Devil Fruit power is."

"Yes Ma'am!" I cried, preparing myself. _"Why is every old woman in One Piece apparently a badass!? And really cruel!?"_

XXXXXXXXXX

"Honey, I'm home!" Horace shouted triumphantly, brandishing a tied-up fish and rod as if all should kneel beneath his superior fishing ability. "And I come baring carp!"

"That's good t'hear. Now get out the way. You're blocking my throwing range." Verte demanded.

Meanwhile, I could give no coherent reply, too busy rocking on the floor in a tight ball of trauma. Verte was not only an apparent Retired Badass, she could also hit hard with a rock, and had deadly aim. Even with my new reflexes and power I was still sporting a dozen or so bruises all across me. That wasn't the problem though. "The rocks. The _rocks_. Where does she get them from? I watched her! She didn't get up from that damned rocking chair _once_ , and she's on a wooden porch, so where oh WHERE did the rocks come from!?"

"Just don't think about it." Horace declared wisely, leaning over slightly to pat my shaking form reassuringly. "Still, I see that you've finally met Hurricane Verte. Quite the violent shrew, isn't she?"

"Shrew? More like a maniac! Screw sticking around, I'd be safer lying down in the shallow end of the sea!"

"Come now, aren't you hungry from the beating this little old lady gave you?" Jeered the surprisingly violent lady. "We have fish ready for dinner."

"Which _I_ caught." Reminded Horace proudly.

"And I think we've learned all we can from this training session."

"Training!? All you did was throw rocks at me! What could you possibly have learnt!?"

She pondered for a moment, then _finally_ got her ass off that chair. "Well, firstly we know that you're really bad at dodging."

"Dodging!? You told me to _catch_. That was _specifically_ what I was meant to be doing!"

"You are also apparently bad at catching rocks."

"That's because you were a cricket pitcher in another life!" She had also likely been tutored by Garp in the act of throwing unusual projectiles at high speeds.

"Plus, we learned a bunch about your power."

"Like what?"

She turned to me and gave me a wry smile. "You don't have to catch with your hands. I distinctly recall you missing the rock but still 'absorbing it' before it bruised you- through your shirt at that. Plus, you aren't limited to _one_ thing at a time, as when I threw two rocks at you at the same time you were able to catch them both. Speaking of which, you only released one, so you might want to do that."

"Huh. I never noticed." Without another word, I recalled said rock from wherever I put it, let it shoot into the air and caught it in my hand on its way down again.

"Question, can you summon it from anywhere but your hand?"

"Who knows? Let's find out." I pulled it back in, noting the familiar sensation of absorbing it, then tried to imagine the ripples appearing on my feet. Seconds later and I could distinctly feel a stone in my shoe. "Yup. Doesn't have to be my hands." I promptly sucked it back up and dropped it from my open palm straight to the ground.

"So that's one more thing we know." Verte reminded. "Next, you don't have to release the captured item immediately or release simultaneous captures together either. I threw _that_ rock right near the beginning of the session, and it's been sitting there _wherever it was_ until now. Furthermore, your power isn't limited to rocks. I threw a spoon at you somewhere in the middle, and you fired it off at me without even noticing."

"And I _still_ don't know how you blocked every shot." I spat.

"It's because I'm old, not incompetent." She waggled her pointing finger at me chidingly. "And don't you forget it, Cactus."

"Name's not Cactus." I reminded.

"Yes, but you still haven't actually told us your full name, so that's what your called." She was right; somehow, I still hadn't gotten round to naming myself. "Still, you're a smart girl." I flinched, almost unconsciously. "A-anyway, now that I've stopped _training_ you, surely even you can figure out _something_ about your power."

In my defence, I'd been too busy trying to not get hit by rocks to really pay attention to the exacts of what I had been doing- when it's a case of get bruised or get good, my attention had been largely focused upon survival. Still, Verte had given out some good analysis of our session, and I'd had a little breathing space to think.

Quite frankly, there was one little detail of our session that really stood out to me.

"I think the biggest and most abusable thing I've learned about my power, is the simple fact that anything I Absorbed into that rippling Field _maintained its speed and momentum_."

And holy shit was that a good thing. In the words of GLADOS, 'fast thing goes in, fast thing goes out'. I still didn't actually know what my power _was_ , but I could already imagine a dozen situations where that could be helpful.

"Anyhow, I think I've beaten you up for now. Head on in and get washed up before dinner." Verte dismissed me.

"Yes Ma'am." I saluted tiredly, then marched inside. I was already at the bathroom by the time I even thought to think through what I was doing. _"Holy shit, she really is a D, isn't she?"_ Why yes, yes she was. _"And she's good- really good."_ For all I complained, Verte's 'training session' turned out to be quite fruitful. I could now activate my power whenever I wanted (Even if I didn't fully understand what it was I was doing), and those observations she made at the end were actually quite useful.

"She might be good, but that doesn't make her any less of a bitch." I firmly decided. Feeling a bit better at myself for not getting soft, I washed my hands and slapped some water onto my cheeks to wake me up. This still felt a little unreal, and the face in the mirror still seemed like that of a stranger, but I at least felt a little better about my situation now that I'd trained a little with my Devil Fruit.

"Wonder what it is though?" I pondered. "The Catch-Catch Fruit? Portal-Portal? A spatial Fruit of some kind? Or was what I did earlier just a peripheral use of my _real_ power?" It was hard to tell, but I wasn't going to get any more answers today. And I was far too hungry and tired and sore to worry.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Anyway, now that I am fed and arguably less grumpy now, I don't suppose you'd mind if I ask some questions?" Like the humble house cat, with my stomach full and my needs sated, my metaphorical claws had subtracted, meaning my question actually came out without the usual snark.

"Nah, I don't mind, girlie." again, a flinch from my end. "Nothing wrong with questions. Unless they're dumb ones."

I raised an arm, much like a student before a teacher, "Soooo… isn't this where you say sagely 'there are no dumb questions'?"

Sceptical look is sceptical. "No, because there _are_ dumb questions."

"Well, let's assume mine won't be."

"Then go ahead and ask."

"Sooo… about you and Ace…"

"How's about a question that isn't gossip related?" Verte smiled pointedly and in a definitely-not-nice fashion.

"Fair enough." I suppose there are some questions just not asking, even with the curiosity of a cat to match the eating habits. "More seriously, just where is thingymejiggy island?"

"You mean this one? Baterilla?"

"Indeed."

"Well, I'd say we're towards the centre of South Blue. We aren't exactly a massive island, but we're big enough."

"Big enough for boats, right?"

It was at this point that Horace chimed in. Up until now he'd been emulating the Grizzly and been hibernating on the sofa to sleep off the massive meal, but here his head popped up and said "This is about the 'going to East Blue' thing, isn't it?"

"I'm not giving up on that idea." I said firmly.

"Not asking you to either." He waved his arms in an exaggerated fashion. "Just checking. Because it's not an exaggeration to say that you've got a tricky journey ahead of you. I don't necessarily have a problem with the fact that you want to be a pirate, save for the fact that I wonder if a girlie like you is cut out for that kind of life."

I was about to either interject to defend my honour, or to finally shout out about just how little a 'girlie' I really was, but he pressed on before I could speak. "And yes, I know, Cactus, that you can survive, I'm sure. Point is, I have no problem with that. It's just that if you want to be a pirate there are easier and quicker ways to do it than to run off to the Weakest Sea."

"Yeah, but I don't _just_ want to be a pirate. I wanna be a certain kind." I couldn't really go into too much depth considering Luffy wasn't likely to be notorious yet, but I didn't want to join just _any_ Pirate crew. At this point my expectations had been raised- it was either Straw Hat or nothing. "So, if I wanted to go to East Blue, how would you suggest I get there?"

"No clue." Horace shrugged, and then his face vanished as he slumped back onto the sofa. "There's nowhere around here that I know about who would ever sail to East Blue. For one thing, you need a very fancy ass type of ship to get there, since you have to cleave straight through the Grand Line normally to get there."

"So, I need to go elsewhere at the very least?"

"Head to one of the bigger islands." Verte recommended. "The Briss Kingdom has its problems, but they have a big focus on merchants and goods transportation. Worst comes to worst, you could enter the underbelly of Briss and enter as a Smuggler. If you could figure out the limits of your power, you could be quite useful for sneaking contraband items through security, and doing a job or two might be enough to get you to East Blue. Meanwhile, Karate Island is less busy, but people come from all Four Blues to study and battle there, so I'm sure at least somebody there would be aiming to return to East Blue at some point."

"This is all I can do? Travel to a larger island, then hope for the best?" It didn't seem like the odds were that high of finding a reliable way to get there.

"Basically." I heard Horace sigh. "Go there, and hope for the best."

"I suppose that's all I can do." I released my own sigh. "I don't necessarily want to do anything too Illegal or harmful, so smuggling is out unless I'm desperate. I guess Karate Island is as good a start as any." And if it does end up as a dead end, I might be able to get in a bit of training there.

"When do you plan to go?"

"As soon as possible." While I'd like to stay, I'm a procrastinator. If I don't do it now, I never will.

"You sure I can't tempt you to stay for more training?" Leered Verte.

It was tempting, as she was fairly competent, but I didn't much like her training methods, and if I stayed too long I might end up missing Luffy. Best just to train on the job. I'll have plenty of chances once I join up with Luffy, anyway. "No thanks. I'm grateful for your hospitality, but the sooner I leave, the better."

"Welp, I guess that's that." Horace stood up suddenly. "I'm heading into town tomorrow. Got some bits and bobs to buy. If you want, I can lead you there."

I smiled honestly. "Thanks. I'd really appreciate that."

XXXXXXXXXX

I was as ready to leave as I was ever going to be. I had dressed myself in whatever I could of my original clothes, though the jeans were too large now and had to be held to me with a belt and the hoodie a bit too warm for the tropical climate and thus had to be tied around my waist, while my t-shirt was too uncomfortable to wear with my new breasts (Modest though they may be) so I had been forced to 'borrow' one from Portgas D Rogue's old clothes. I was still using male underwear and had to chosen to forego a bra though- because _fucking hell_. There was only so far I was willing to accommodate this pesky new body of mine.

"You ready to go, Cactus?" Verte asked gently from her rocking chair.

"I believe so. Ah- thanks for the supplies and stuff, by the way." I thanked her, because I hadn't just gotten a shirt from her, but she had also given me an old bag and put some basic supplies in it for me.

"Heh- it was just going to waste in my cupboards. Try not to die though."

"I won't." I told her, and hefted the bag onto my back. "By the way, my name is Samu-" No, not Samuel. Not anymore. "Sam. Sam D Clarke. Keep an eye on the news. I'm sure someday you'll see me on it someday."

"A Dee too, eh? I suppose I might do. By the way, if you ever figure out what that damn initial means, make sure to give me a holler, y'hear?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sure. Horace, you ready to go?"

"Of course." Horace smiled, already starting to walk along the path to the next town. "Follow me."

XXXXXXXXXX

When we got there, the town was on fire, and it wasn't my fault. As in it literally had nothing to do with me, and was burning even before me and Horace got there.

"Fuck." Horace growled as we entered the outskirts of the seaside town. "Its… its burning."

Not necessarily all of the town, but a significant number of buildings had been put to the fire, and I could hear screams in the air and the sound of gunfire.

"What the hell is going on here?" I asked, though deep down I already knew the answer.

"Pirates." Horace said, then gestured to the coast where a single, lone ship was docked. One with proud black sails, and white skull and crossbones.

"Pirates." I repeated, tasting the word. Yes- this was the typical sight of piracy. A town on fire, civilians in danger, looting and pillaging galore. This was the precisely the kind of thing the Straw Hat pirates stood as the anti-thesis of.

It was people like this that I was no doubt going to have to fight someday. Except someday might just have to be _today_. I had hoped to have way longer to train and hopefully figure out my powers, but time had run out.

Honestly, I was terrified. I'd never fought a proper fight in my life. Never went beyond minor schoolyard scuffles, and pulled hair and punches. And if I were to fight, I could die. More than that- I was ill prepared. The real question was: 'do I walk away until I'm in a position to fight', or 'do I dive into the deep end now'?

"Come on, Sam. We should go." Horace grimaced. "We can't do anything here, and if we leave they might never know we were here. Chances are they'll skedaddle when they've had their fill, before any Marines show up."

"No." I shook my head sadly, stepping forwards instead. " _You_ can't do anything, but I can. I have a Devil Fruit, which puts me at a higher level than most other people."

"Maybe so, but you also _only got it a day ago, and still know JACK SHIT about how to use it_."

I winced at his brutally honest words. I really wasn't in a good position, but heading forwards was the only way to left for me to go. Ultimately, I must get strong to survive the Grand Line, but to get strong I must fight. Therefore, logically, I should fight while I still can before things hit the insane level of the Grand Line. Maybe I'll get really badly hurt, but I have to start somewhere, and fighting off some no-name pirates might be just what I need.

Plus, there's no way this is random. I could _definitely_ feel the unsubtle presence of IROB about this, because like hell would I be just _unlucky_ enough normally to wind up _walking_ into a pirate attack just as soon as I set off on my adventure. IROB put this enemy in front of me, so on a meta level that means I can _probably_ win, as IROB wouldn't send someone _too_ strong after me.

Then again, much of my argument only works from a meta level. Grind early game to serve better later on in the Campaign, and desperately hope that the unseen hands of the Gamesmaster are at work to direct me down the narrow path to victory.

"Sam, you're gonna get yourself killed." Horace said harshly.

I stepped forwards again. "Maybe. Maybe not. We'll have to see, won't we?" Then before I could change my mind, I ran away from him, towards the burning town.

 **AN- Well, that was that.**

 **In case anyone cares about Verte, she is** _ **technically**_ **an OC, yes, but there were also so few named people in South Blue named that I think I can be excused. For a starting island, I picked Baterilla as it had some nice lore to it, and I ended up making Verte** _ **his**_ **grandma because I realised halfway through writing her that it made more sense for this grumpy old goat to be peripherally involved with the canon, as opposed to being some random NPC.**

 **Fun fact. I didn't find room to bring it up in story, but the only reason Verte took in Sam was because 'she' reminded Verte of her dead daughter, back during her teenage years. Why is it that most One Piece characters parental figures keep getting offed?**

 **Actually- don't answer that. Anyway- next chapter will be out in a few days time. A reward for your patience, I guess. Undying Soul out.**


	3. I Can Take 'em

**Chapter 3: I Can Take 'em**

 **AN- a quicker update this time. Not much to say this time, really,** **except that coming up with chapter names** _ **sucks**_ **. Like, really- I just kept blanking on it. No clue why.**

 **Disclaimer: I WISH I had the dedication to be able to write/draw a series as loved as One Piece for like… 20 years? So yeah- I don't own One Piece.**

The town had looked bad from afar- but things were even worse up close. I'd decided to fight, to try and deal with the pirates pillaging the town (Somehow), but despite knowing pirates were objectively _bad_ in the same way your teacher is obligated to tell you that drugs are _bad_ , but I hadn't expected this level of devastation. Here, I could properly feel the heat of the flames and hear the cries of the innocent, and could even see man of the pirates as they pillaged. Bulky, beefy men the lot of them. With scars and swords and all the other things showing that they were prepared to kill. I watched them a moment before ducking into an alleyway.

I might have been suicidality charging into a fight I wasn't ready for yet (Because maybe, just _maybe_ an omnipotent being was behind it and would send something even worse after me for entertainment if I just ignored it), but that didn't mean I had to be _dumb_ about it.

" _Okay Sam, assess the situation. There's one of us and like two dozen of them. So… numbers advantage goes to them. But what advantages do I have?"_

Well, not many, actually. The element of surprise since they don't know I'm coming, and a Devil Fruit I could only half use.

" _So how do I use what I_ do _have?"_

Ambushes and sneak attacks seemed to be the only way to utilise the surprise factor, but as for my Devil Fruit power?

" _It's still unknown. I've thought up a few combat ideas but I have no idea if they'll work in practice. However, I guess this is the time if any to try them."_

I didn't know what my power did, but a few properties of what I'd discovered might come in handy. I had been able to Absorb items that came into contact with me- so if I timed it right, I could probably become effectively bulletproof. Verte said she saw me absorb things not just using my hands, and I'd proved it by sucking up the stone in my shoe, so if I could perform this effect with my entire body for at least a second or two I might be able to catch the bullets before they could hurt me.

Swords and other melee weapons might also be absorbed too, though a size limit might inhibit me. Hadn't had the chance to check out just how much I could absorb, so I wasn't exactly going to let them swing at me without checking something first.

"Just what can I absorb?" I took off my rucksack and focused on that feeling in my gut, until I'd called up my powers, then pushed the rucksack gently into my stomach. I felt the odd sensation and saw the rucksack vanish from view. "Okay, that's out the way now, and I can definitely absorb items larger than rocks."

I didn't feel any heavier either, so that was something. "How long can I keep up a field?"

I found some wooden fragments on the floor and activated my power, and concentrated on making my rippling field appear across the entirety of my torso. I was able to get it to show up, but it flickered off after a few seconds or so. I tried again, only this time rammed a wooden piece in halfway through. I could control the speed of the absorption and noted that I couldn't turn off the field while absorbing, but that my Field was definitely pulling it in- it was impossible for me to just keep something in halfway.

" _Well, that's one weakness to look out for_."Now if only I knew the advantages.

"Okay, so I think I can bullshit a bulletproof shield." I got the Field to stay open a few seconds, and could do it on my torso, so that was fine. As long as I saw the gun aiming I'd be able to get it up in time to block. "That's defence. How's about attack?"

All I could think to do would be to fire projectiles at him, but I had nothing stocked up to launch _"Need to rectify that at some point."_

As for ammo, there was only some random junk about me that I could use. Even if I did use it, as I had to keep the base momentum and speed that meant that if I absorbed the junk all I'd be doing if I fired them would be to drop a stationary object from my hands. In other words, my only real offense was my capability to _counter-_ to reflect attacks back at their source.

"Okay, plan time. Find someone with a gun and taunt him until he shoots me. Catch the bullets then shoot _him_ with them. Find gun and shoot self until sufficient number of bullets are held. Then shoot everyone else."

With a bare bones plan prepared, I felt far more confident. _"Hell, they're only some no-name non-Grand Line Pirates, so what exactly am I worrying about anyway?"_

XXXXXXXXXX

I found my first target. He was a man of average height and average mass. He had the sharp appearance I imagined most criminals and pirates would possess, but didn't exactly seem… special. In the world of One Piece there is one golden rule- typically, the dumber you look and act, the stronger you actually are.

Fun fact- one of the strongest members of the Revolutionary Army is a scantily clad transvestite with a massively oversized head. He can also cause things to _explode via blinking intently at them_.

" _NOTE TO SELF. Go see the only canonical genderbender about my 'problem' if the chance arises. Though, then again, I don't imagine IROB would be very happy if I did manage to circumvent his little 'payment'."_

So yeah- this guy looked like a cake walk. At least comparatively. I was still kinda… what's the word? I was nervous, for lack of the actual term I wanted. Apprehensive. Scared that despite his appearance he was gonna cut me up with that sword he was wearing or shoot me with that pistol and then I'd be _dead_.

" _Screw it. JUST DO IT ALREADY!"_ I mentally screamed at myself. Rather than rousing me to a roaring fury, it instead prompted a mild sigh. _"Meh. Trained pirate with weapons and a willingness to use them against guy turned girl with no combat experience and a Devil Fruit he/she can't properly use."_

Yet despite this, these were still the best odds I had. "Hey Jackass!" I finally screamed out at him just as he was about to begin pillaging another store.

"What was that, you bitch?" He turned around, snarling.

I let out what could approximately be a 'meep'.

"Ummm…" Now that his attention was on me, I suddenly had no idea what to say. I needed to taunt him to the point that he _shoots me_ , yet I couldn't really think up anything sufficiently witty. All I could think about was the holstered pistol at his side, and the menacing look in his eyes. _"God damn it. I'm gonna fall back on dumb references, aren't I?"_

Before I knew it, my mouth started to move on its own. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!"

" _Fuck it. Monty Python? Of all the things to parrot, did I REALLY say THAT of all things?"_

"What the fuck do you mean by that?" The pirate began to strut towards me, brandishing his cutlass threateningly.

Maybe honesty would work? "Look, I'm not good at pre-fight banter it seems, but for the love of good, just _try to kill me already!_ "

"You looking to pick a fight with me, girlie?"

"Well what the hell do you think, dipshit?"

"Who are you calling a dipshit, you dumb tart?"

"Who are you calling a-" breathe, Sam, breathe. Just shouting insults seems to be taking you in circles, and doesn't seem to be working anyway. "Okay. Fuck it. Don't make me resort to Yo Momma jokes. Just _fight me already_."

He leered at me. "Don't look like much of a fighter. But I'm still gonna make you pay, girlie."

 _Now_ I was just getting bored. My pre-fight terror was evaporating because I wasn't getting anywhere- I was literally getting tired of being scared of this guy. " _Finally_. Now are you going to keep saying that you'll do it, or will you _do it_."

The man growled. "Well if you're that eager to get hurt…" and with that he advanced. Clearly not taking me seriously, but with his pride still hurt enough to actually follow through, he swung his sword at me. It was a weak swing and I was easily able to sidestep it- I hadn't even been shocked by how easy it had been to do. He followed through with a stronger slash, but I was easily able to bring my hand into place and grab the blade with my left hand. As soon as my palm met the steel, I activated my power, hoped for the best, and triumphantly sucked the cutlass up using my Field.

"What the fuck!?" The man's eyes opened, and he backed away.

"Devil Fruit." I said casually, and shrugged. "Now, if I was you I'd start using that gun."

"Stop getting cocky, you bitch!" He listened to my advice and got the gun out. Here, I focussed. The sword was easy to obtain, as even a strong swing is still relatively slow. But a bullet's speed is on a whole different level. I waited, and I watched. I saw his finger go to the trigger. I took a deep breath, and turned on my power.

BANG! The gun fired, and I saw a faint blur, then it struck me and I felt it go to the same place the cutlass was.

Fuck it. Calling it what it is- my Hammerspace. The bullet hit my Field, and fell into my Hammerspace.

"You missed." I blatantly lied. "Try again."

"I will do!" A quick motion, and he'd already put in the next round. Say what I will about him, his reload time was excellent. He went to fire, and again I activated my power, focussing on the torso- where he was most likely to shoot.

BANG! Another shot, another hit, another piece of ammo for me.

"No way! That should have hit!" He complained.

"Third time's the charm." I began to walk to him, cutting the distance between us. The third shot (A bit off on my timing- activated it too soon, to such a degree that it almost turned off before the bullet hit). This time I knew he'd noticed the impact by virtue of his eyes widening rapidly.

"Have a taste of your own medicine!"

My 'portal' opened on my torso and released the first bullet at almost point-blank range.

"FUCK!" The pirate cried as he fell to the floor. I watched impassively as he bled there. My left fist was trembling, so I forcefully stilled it with the other one. I forced myself to watch, because if I was going to enter the Grand Line I couldn't let myself get upset at the thought of hurting someone else. Of killing someone.

I'd never really been a fighter. Had never thought I'd need to be. Even so, if I wanted to survive the Grand Line, I had to become one- to harden myself. So, I watched the man bleed out from the wound _I_ game him, and ignored his curses as with shaking hands he put one more round into his flintlock pistol and fired.

"I told you. That doesn't work." Then, I removed my right hand and put it on his forehead. I shut my eyes, and let loose the bullet he'd just shot at me.

An unfamiliar noise, and the sound of liquid spilling everywhere (Spilling on me). I opened my eyes, and saw the corpse. The one I made. I looked down, and saw that my hand was covered in brain gore and blood.

"I'm gonna be sick." And I was. Right by the body.

"Wish I got his name." I muttered as I wiped my mouth with the back of my least bloody hand, and then wiped as much of the gore off as I could on the man's cleanest portion of clothing. "Feels like a name is the least I should have to remember my first kill."

I got back to my feet just as two more pirates showed up.

"Holy shit- she killed Frank!" The first pirate called, gun already in his hand.

"Oh- another gunner. Lucky me." I muttered. With a deep sigh, I tried to get ready to fight. I'd just killed, but I could freak out more later. For now- I had to fight or I'd die. "Still, sorry about this. Thanks for telling me that name anyway."

"Just die!" He snapped, and shot two bullets at me.

" _Double barrelled."_ I noted. This time my powers activation was far more instinctual. I'd barely been able to react a second before the gun was fired. The first shot 'hit' but the second missed.

"It didn't work!" Pirate Number One panicked.

"And she killed Frank!" Reiterated the second. "I'll go get the boss!"

"Oh no you don't!" I snapped, and fired off my first round (Two left now), but it was way off target. With a curse I shot off another bullet, but missed again, and the man was able to escape.

"If guns don't work…" Pirate One muttered, then tossed aside his gun and drew his shortsword, before charging.

Like before, I was ready, and with my bodies new reflexes it was relatively simple to remove the weapon from his hand, especially as I needed but a single touch.

"Hand to hand then." He settled into a boxer's stance, and charged.

" _Hang on, I don't know how to fight up close. If he gets close he really could beat the shit out of me. Even a badly trained man can beat an untrained girl like me. Men are physically stronger, nine times out of ten."_

So, there was no choice. I couldn't fight so I _had_ to waste my final bullet. When he got in range I punched at him, and fired the bullet from my fist. That close, it was impossible to miss. He stumbled as it tore through him, but his momentum was strong, and he barrelled into me.

"Get off me!" I snapped. Trying to push him off.

"F'ck off." He snarled from above me, bleeding and clearly in pain, but still able to move.

" _Dang it. It's One Piece. Even the Mooks have superhuman endurance, so they can live through anything the good guys throw at them. You have to knock 'em out."_

"I'm gonna make you bleed like me, girl." He raised his fist, and brought it down against my face. For a second, I blacked out from the pain. I'd never been punched in the face like that, and I didn't even notice when the second fist came, hitting my torso.

" _Damm it!"_ I cried out wordlessly, and tried to roll away as he punched again. I strained my body and _pushed_. The tables momentarily turned, but with his weight pressing down on me, I couldn't throw him off. Instead, I threw all my weight to one side, rolling atop him, and delivered a punch of my own.

I remembered the only advice I knew about how to throw a punch. _"Don't tuck the thumb in. That's a vice and will crush it. And more importantly, aim behind whatever you're hitting."_

And so, I punched, and the man laughed off his broken nose, and threw me off, pinning me again. "That almost hurt. So, what you gonna do now that you can't shoot me?"

" _Can't I?"_ I had no bullets left, but did I have anything else in my Hammerspace? Maybe I had something left over from Verte's training session?

I looked inwards in a way I couldn't properly put into words. I wasn't perceiving any physical place, and couldn't actually observe anything, but somehow now that I was concentrating I just _knew_ everything I'd absorbed- everything that I was holding onto. It was vague, and I needed to concentrate, but I _knew_.

I presently had two rocks, but more importantly, I had two cutlasses.

With a roar, I activated the portal on my palm, and smacked my hand onto his chin, as if I was trying to force his mouth shut.

"Whur you doin'?" he spoke through my minor application of force, and reached with one of his hands to pull my palm off.

I smirked, and fired off the first cutlass.

Question time- the cutlass had been swung at me when I sucked it up. I knew projectiles maintained velocity and momentum and all that jazz, so what would happen when I was releasing a melee weapon at this close distance?

The answer- even if the speed wasn't great the very act of forcing out a sharp objective from a portal at point blank range meant that the weapon had to go _somewhere_. In this case it went straight through the underside of his chin and straight and through his head.

Pirate Number One struggled and gargled, and then he stopped moving. I lay there, with the body of the second man I killed on top of me, and shoved him off. I rolled away, and just lay there panting for a minute. Now the fight was over, and the adrenaline was leaving me. In its place came the pain from the punches and manhandling.

"Ouch." The word wasn't enough to express how much my face was _aching_. "Shoulda' seen the other guy." I joked, with no smile on my face. A quick glance and I saw the body- at least he'd been the one to die and not me.

Finally, I got up, and began to jog away from the crime scene. Who knows when another pirate would show up, attracted by the sounds of the scuffle, and would force me into battle once more.

"Hide for a bit." I muttered. "Can't win another one. Got no bullets, no ammo. Can't get ammo easily either. Don't know how to reload a gun, especially an old timey one, so literally need them to do a Han and shoot first. But not all goons have guns. And not all goons die in one shot. And, apparently, I am terrible up close."

I noticed a house that had already been looted and snuck in, careful to make sure nobody was inside first. The building was deserted, and the valuables already either smashed or taken. I entered the kitchen, then settled down besides the upturned table, and hugged my legs to myself.

A big part of me just didn't want to get up. Another part wanted to go home and sleep. Meanwhile, part of me just wanted to throw up again due to the whole 'I am now a Killer' thing.

"Just a few minutes to rest." I vowed. "Then I'll go back out and stop the rest of the pirates. Somehow."

XXXXXXXXXX

My break was short and uncomfortable- and was halted prematurely after only around ten minutes due to a loud, shouting voice.

"Girl! Get to the docks within fifteen minutes! The docks! In _fifteen minutes!_ If you don't, then the hostages start dying!" The voice was loud, and then twenty seconds later the message was repeated as the same man continued to shout. I listened intently and heard an echo as another voice elsewhere yelled the same message, and then another.

" _Hostages? Since when were there hostages. Wait- dumb question. Since I intervened and offed two of them. Now they want to draw me out since I'm hiding."_

But was I going to walk into the obvious trap? On the one hand, I was in no condition to fight, and was still trembling occasionally at the recurring memory of what I'd done not even a quarter of an hour ago to people (Who probably deserved it, but whom I still killed). Plus, the fact hadn't changed that I _still_ had no ammo, and had no training.

But on the other- not showing up would be just as bad. If they really _did_ have hostages, could I bear the weight of their deaths on my shoulders? More than that, what if Horace was one of them? Large leap in logic, but a hostage situation like that would be just the entertainment a bored ROB would enjoy. More than that, what would be the consequences of avoiding the blatantly raised flag that IROB was dangling in front of me? Plus- I'd already noted that getting combat experience early in against mostly mundane threats would be kinda necessary if I wanted any chance of surviving the Grand Line.

"No. I… I can't just run away or hide. Even if it's the smart move, and even though I really, _really_ want to hide." For all the reasons listed above. I can't walk away without severe consequences, and in the end a few more dead pirates couldn't possibly be as bad an outcome as the murder of some innocent civilians, whoever they are.

A good person wouldn't run away. A _Straw Hat_ wouldn't run away.

And I wanted to be a Straw Hat, so I couldn't turn my back. So fuck it- the odds were against me, but I was just going to have to win.

"But how…" The memory of the second man I killed flashed through my head, and I recalled the way I'd managed to kill him. Then I thought back to Frank, and noted the similarities. Both times I'd gotten close to make up for the lack of accuracy I had at range due to inexperience, then inflicted a direct fatal attack. I didn't necessarily need bullets- I'd used a cutlass and that turned out fine, as the motion of the swing carried over when released and inflicted an immediate and unblockable attack.

A messy attack, but it works. A single touch to a vital location, and I can surprise my enemy and get a free stab attack.

"A knife carrying all of its momentum… how else could I work with this…" I had just one other idea, and while it didn't beat a fast-moving bullet, it certainly offered a little more range for me.

"I think I can work with this." I had about five minutes to loot this and the other houses in the area, and then I'd need to rush to the docks.

With a grin, I started on the kitchen, hurriedly pulling door handles until I found what I was searching for- a drawer filled with cutlery. And most importantly among the cutlery, half a dozen sharp knifes'.

XXXXXXXXXX

I walked through the empty streets towards the swathe of blue I knew to be the sea, and consequently the docks. At this point in time the town had been almost completely ransacked, and I could still see many buildings in various stages of fire damage, and others with smashed windows and broken doors.

My prep time was over, and now it was time to face the music. No sneak attacks or running away- I had to see if there were hostages, and if there were, the only way to free them would be to give the pirates Captain what they wanted- a Fight.

And there, I could see the docked ship, and in front of it a crowd. About twenty odd men clutching weapons, with kneeling men, women and children in front of them- ten hostages. Luckily, Horace wasn't among them. And at the front of them there was the man who was undeniably their leader, sitting casually on the floor as he waited for me. Nobody else could have fit the bill- and it was clear that he was the one that was calling the shots based purely on the way all the pirates looked at him and how he stood apart from the rest.

Finally, I had gotten close enough for him to be satisfied, and he rose to his feet, giving me my first proper look at him. I immediately stopped dead in my tracks. What little confidence I had vanished in a moment, and I had the sudden urge to curse and rage and ultimately run away like a coward.

Because this was the second time I had been wrong about something I'd been very sure of.

Well, half wrong, perhaps. I'd assumed this to be just a random pirate attack, with perhaps somebody who was Avilda or Captain Morgan level difficulty to face at the end. Basically, I'd thought that I would be able to get an 'easy' boss fight or two in before things got dangerous.

" _But nooo… fucking IROB."_ I frowned. _"Does he want me to die or something? He has NO sense of proper scaling, and while I'm sure he's finding this hilarious, did he_ really _have to be so harsh as to make my first fight be against…"_

I looked the pirate dead in the eyes, and addressed him by his name, "Eustass Kidd."

 **AN- well, I** _ **did**_ **say Sam was in South Blue, and it** _ **is**_ **mentioned that Kidd comes from there… and thus we get this chapter. This got a bit darker than I expected it to, but I couldn't really justify or write off Sam just brushing the whole killing thing of- nor could I expect him to go the entire story without** _ **once**_ **killing someone. In One Piece, it isn't showed often, but people die. And I, and consequently Sam, are realistic enough to know this. Still- I doubt thing's will get this dark very often (Or at the very least, this angsty about said darkness). I'm trying to keep to the overall tone of the source material, afterall. Or perhaps a Konosuba-esque feel?**

 **Apart from that, thanks for reading, and look forwards to next time. Sam VS Kidd. Place your bets now.**

 **Undying Soul out.**


	4. I Can't Take 'em

**Chapter 4: … I Can't Take 'em**

 **AN- Here we are. Sam VS Kidd. Who will win?**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing. One Piece is Goda's- I only** _ **wish**_ **I could someday come to create something as magnificent as the world he built.**

 _I looked the pirate dead in the eyes, and addressed him by name, "Eustass Kidd."_

"So, you've heard of me then?" The pirate asked, crossing his arms and sneering at me.

"One or twice," I admitted. I was careful not to show the panic I was currently experiencing. He took a single step forward, and I found myself stepping back in turn. He noticed my badly hidden (i.e.: creeping distress sounds better, in my opinion) distress and laughed.

"Well at least _somebody_ in this dumb village knows the name of their future King of the Pirates!"

Yes, that was Kidd's deal. His Dream- the exact same one that led multitudes of other people to take to the seas. But whereas Blackbeard was like the distorted reflection of Monkey D Luffy in a funhouse mirror, Kidd was instead the sort of person to smash the mirror and laugh while he did it.

He wanted to be the King of the Pirates, to prove himself the best and spit in the eye of everyone that denied he could along the way. And sure, I could respect that determination. But on the other hand, I'd hate to see him ever achieve his goal. Of all the Supernova to meet up in Sabaody Archipelago, Kidd was the only one whose bounty was higher than _Luffy's_ , and had gotten it purely by virtue of the sheer number of civilian casualties attributed to his name.

And it was this man, somebody who arguably equalled Monkey D. Luffy, that I had accidentally picked a fight with.

"Would you excuse me for just _one_ moment?" I asked Kidd as politely as I could.

He raised an eyebrow skeptically, before he noticed the sincerity in my words. He began laughing again- even harder. "Sure, why the hell not!?"

"Many thanks." I told him, before turning away and looking to the sky. " _Really_ IROB? Kidd? _Motherfucking Eustass Kidd?_ SCREW YOU TOO!"

The laughter only intensified, and his lackeys echoed him and joined in. With a sigh, I stopped shouting at the sky, and returned my attention to the bloodthirsty pirate. And so I asked him, "This is gonna suck, isn't it?"

The laughter only intensified- _especially_ when his lackeys began to join in the fun. I heaved a deep sigh, and turned my attention back to the bloodthirsty pirate. And so I croaked miserably, "This gonna suck, isn't it?"

I did not like the wide and vicious grin on his face. "Yup. You're pretty much fucked. Because when you mess with my men, you mess with me." Kidd momentarily paused, and he seemed to study me more intently. "Must admit though, I didn't expect a pretty girlie like you to have the balls to face off with me."

"Who are you calling pretty?" I snarled. _"Or a girl?"_ I finished in my mind. Because despite the danger, he very thought of a man flirting with me absolutely _repulsed_ me. "Besides which, your minions started it."

He shrugged uncaringly. "But a challenge on one of my men is a challenge on _me_."

"But it would still be dumb to escalate this further. Especially when if I'd known they were yours, chances are I would have would've taken one look at them and walked away." I told him, desperately seeking to stop this from reaching a point of actual fighting. "To become a pirate is to accept the danger of the sea. If one is prepared to kill, they should accept they might die. To hold a grudge over the outcome of a fight like that is foolish. This isn't a challenge in any way, shape or form. _Please_ don't turn it into one."

I'd said it before and I'd say it again: this was an unwinnable fight. Kidd was a fucking beast on par with Luffy. I might have been able to deal with a Morgan, or a Buggy, maybe even a Kuro or Krieg- _if_ I was clever about it. But fighting this fight would only get me killed! So my only hope of surviving was to hunker down, and try to unwind this _carefully_ , diplomatically...

Kidd's expression took a sudden turn for the worst. "Are you telling me what to do? Because a fucking _hate_ it when people try to tell me what to do."

" _Okayokayokay. Less strength, more respect, careful word choice, got it."_

"Not at all." I said a bit more demurely, choosing to change track. "I'm merely offering a suggestion. We don't necessarily _have_ to fight. You invaded this village. I don't like that, but what's done is done. You've killed plenty and pillaged a fuck tonne. You've _won_. All I want is to end this fight now. Is there really a reason to continue when you've got what you want?"

"Want? No. I'm not done. I don't have what I want yet."

"Which is?"

"Respect." With a wild gesture, he pointed to his left, and I saw a corpse of what looked to be a fisherman lying face down in a pool of blood, with what looked like a giant nail rammed into his back. I hadn't noticed him- it was hard to amidst all the death around me. "He disrespected me. He laughed at MY dream!"

" _Well shit. If there is one thing you don't do to Eustass Kidd, it's laugh at his dream."_

"So, since he laughed at me, I had to kill him." Kidd continued, and it was disturbing how casually he had said that. Like he was discussing the weather. "I had to kill his friends too. And burn it all to the ground. I'll just keep killing until everyone's learned better than to mock me, because I WILL be the King of the Pirates."

"I don't doubt that." I said, as honestly as I could. Sure, Luffy would inevitably take the throne in the end, but at the very least I could acknowledge his strength of will and his potential- if Luffy wasn't Luffy, he very well may have been good enough to claim the throne. He would have been a terrifying Pirate King, but still. "But haven't shown them enough? He's… dead. And so are a lot of other people. Is it worth sticking around? Surely Marines will show up eventually, or at least some form of help? Wouldn't it be better to leave now that you've paid back the insult?"

"I told you- it's all about _respect_." Kidd said. Then he stepped forwards and flexed his large muscles. "Sure, you aren't wrong. I've paid back _that_ insult. I sure as shit don't care about this little speck of a village. But he isn't the only one to have disrespected me here, is he?"

"Me." I noted, almost clinically. It was an easy deduction to make. I killed his men, I'd shown him up. And if he left without killing me then wouldn't that be a sign of weakness? This whole setup- calling me out in the public like this. It was about regaining face and paying back his crew mates. I bet he didn't even care that they died so much as he cared about the loss of face he'd get from his crew and from others by _not_ avenging them.

"Aye. While it hurts me to kill such a cute face, I think I'll sleep sounder with you dead."

" _Aaaand now I'm fucked."_ What more was there left to say? Diplomacy had failed. Kidd could literally see no other option but fiery retribution. He couldn't afford to falter- not this early on before his legend has been made. So, I couldn't escape from this fight because if I ran the hostages would die… thus the only option left was to _fight_.

In an instant I was moving, and so was Kidd. Nothing more needed to be said- there was no more time for words, only action. I couldn't afford to hesitate, or falter, or think. I had to act _now_ , while I had the will to fight and the understanding of the necessity of it.

The fight had begun. And I was gonna have to win it, or die trying.

 **(Play Persona 4 Ultimax- Adachi Theme)**

I charged as fast as my new body could move, and closed the distance between us. Seeing this, Kidd whipped out his pistol and fired. I took the initiative, and quickly captured the bullet inside my Hammerspace the instance it left the chamber. Then I pointed, and fired it back at him.

Kidd barely flinched when he saw his own attack reflected back at him. He stretched out his hand, and the bullet stopped in midair. " **Repel!** " He declared, and then the bullet fired back ten times faster. I was amazed I was even able to raise my absorption Field quickly enough stop that one! All the while, I practically sprinted towards Kidd.

" _His power is magnetism."_ That much I could remember. I had one advantage in that I had watched One Piece, so already knew Kidd as a character, and as such, as a fighter. I knew his powers, but he didn't know mine. I just had to hope that was enough. _"_ _ **I'll get nowhere if I keep firing projectiles- he'll just keep stopping them.**_ _In a ranged battle, he wins hands down. Therefore, my only chance is to get in close and release an attack too close for him to reflect."_

"Hyyyaaaa!" I was in melee range in a heartbeat, shouting a warcry. A cutless came to my left hand just after I started swinging. Kidd was smirking though. He batted away the sword racing towards his midsection with his own left hand, and like that the gap between us was _gone_. I looked up at him, realising just how _big_ One Piece characters could be, just as I realised how _big_ of a disadvantage I was at.

I also realised just how fucking _terrible_ this plan wa-

THWAP! _THUMP!_

"Gahh!" I couldn't breathe. The sucker punch tore the air from my lips, and sent me flying. I saw the sky pass overhead before I hit the ground, skidding a good metre.

"Interesting, you ate a Devil Fruit too!" His tone was inquisitive and eager, but his grin was wild- almost bestial. "Guess that's how you killed my boys too, huh? It's almost fun to have the shoe on the other foot! To have someone reflect _my_ attacks for a change!"

"G-glad you enjoyed that." I spluttered while getting to my feet, wincing all the while. I felt like one big scraped knee- he hit hard.

"If you have a Devil Fruit though… well, I suppose that means there's no reason for me to hold back!" the pirate raised his right hand high- and I received a sudden sensation of dread. My body was sprinting before I even knew it, leaping for cover behind a nearby wooden shipping crate, just as I heard Kidd utter a single word. " **Attract!** "

It was almost beautiful to watch, seeing every metallic item in the area shoot towards his outstretched limb, swarming it like a thousand jagged insects. Masses of junk metal shot up from the ship Kidd arrived in as well, and joined the rest of the mass. In seconds, it started to take on the distinct shape of a giant's arm.

"Die!" Roared Kidd, and he swung down his arm like the axe of an executioner. The even larger limb followed suit, and fell. I didn't even hesitate, letting my body instinctively do what it needed to do. I rolled from my spot, barely avoiding being squashed, and continued to roll as I heard the arm collide with the ground and explode in all directions. I flinched, certain that I felt several cuts open up along my side even as my power Absorbed several other metal shards that doubtless would have killed me.

"Holy shit." I murmured, gazing back at the destruction wrought from the attack. The crate I had cowered behind was _gone._ "If that hit me, I would have _died_."

Beyond that, tons of tiny cuts and grazes littered my new arms and legs, from all those shards of scattered metal I had failed to pull into my Hammerspace. If IROB had not given this body, I would have been squished long before my puny reflexes kicked in.

"Tch. Still can't keep it together." Kidd sounded disappointed as he assessed his work- presumably the technique he had nearly flattened me with. "Oh well, at least now I have tonnes more shit to use."

" _Oh god, this is bad. There's metal_ everywhere _. This is like picking a fight with Akainu in a volcano, or a fishman in the ocean."_

"OOIIIII!" Kidd called out, snapping me out of my daze and reminding me that, y'know, _I was in a fight to the death right now_. "How long you gonna sit there, girlie! Don't dishonour me by making me kill you while you lie on the floor like a coward!"

"Fuck off, you almost crushed me!" I snapped at him. "I'm just happy I dodged, you dick!"

"That fire's better." He concluded. "Get up. I want to kill you while that fires still there."

"Not if I kill you first!" Yes, this was a fight to the death. I couldn't afford to die right now. I was scared senseless, but… I wasn't powerless. And I was NOT going to roll over and die easily!

I used my position from the floor as leverage to rise into a dead on sprint, much like how an Olympic athlete would start a race. _"He might be strong, but that doesn't change anything! My only chance of victory is within striking distance, where he can't barrage me with projectiles in case he hits himself, and where my lethal attacks can hit him without giving him time to see and reflect them."_

" **Reflect!** " Kidd declared again, and here he showed just how scary he was. Even this early on in his adventure he had great control over his powers, and was able to lift much of the scraps around him up into the air, then at his command dozens of these pseudo-bullets raced towards me. I pressed on, intently trying to ignore my incoming 'death via impalement'.

Despite the deadly assault, I kept my mind clear and focused- waiting until the last moment to throw up my defences. I narrowed my power down and concentrated on my torso, the front of my legs and the arms crossed in front of my face- for this moment, I was safe from the flood of attacks. When my field fell, I carried on sprinting- not having even missed a footstep due to the assault.

The redhead's eyes lit up in comprehension, and he took a step back. "Not reflection at all!"

Then there was no more time for words, as I was upon him. I mentioned before that this body was conditioned for running- I hadn't been lying. I wasn't superhuman- not even close. I had a One Piece _ready_ body, one that someday had the _potential_ to reach the levels many in this world had met, but I didn't have the Zoro level conditioning for this body to be a true boon.

But what I could do was be _really_ fast when I needed to be.

"Yaaaghh!" Another wordless cry, and I held nothing back. I had no clue how many things I could release from my Hammerspace at once, but now that I was barely 2 meters away from him, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to find out.

" **REFLECT!** "

It was pandemonium, plain and simple. From my torso, I let it all out: all the scrap Kidd had fired against me this battle, and as many of the items I'd gathered before coming here as I could. Knives, blades and sharp edges of all kinds- all absorbed with as much force and momentum as a knife being literally being plunged into one's own chest with all their strength. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things, but even such a thrust carried enough force for the knives to fire reasonably quickly and for a reasonable distance of a meter or so before it lost its impact.

I couldn't release them all at once. But I released a hell of a lot.

On the other hand, Kidd pushed _everything_ he could away from him. The dozens of attacks from me were far too close to be stopped, and far too large in number to individually reflected back at me, but he sure as hell could _redirect them all away from him_.

When the dust finally settled and the sound of steel meeting steel stopped, I could see the fruits of my efforts. Unfortunately, the results weren't nearly as fatal as I wanted. Kidd had thrown himself to one side, which when coupled with his redirection field had managed to stop most of my shots. Some had got in though- had gotten real close. Cuts and scrapes covered him, his coat was in tatters, a small vegetable knife was lodged in his shoulder, and blood ran down the side of his face from where one of my many projectiles had brushed his cheek.

"Damn!" Kidd yelled, almost appreciative of my work. "That was close! Anyone else would be dead from that."

"Anyone else wouldn't have given me all the goddamn ammo I needed to do deliver this beatdown." I told him, with small proud grin. I had honestly expected my fight with Kidd to be hopeless, but I had been wrong. Across this fight, I had noticed something: I was terrified of the _idea_ of Eustass "Captain" Kidd, the brutal Supernova whose bounty was larger than Luffy's. This wasn't him though, this was Eustass Kidd, the man who had just began his journey and had yet to even sail into the Graveyard of Pirates.

This fight was closer to fighting pre-Arlong Luffy, as opposed to post-Thriller Bark Luffy. Still scary- but not _as_ scary.

For the first time since I met the redhead, I felt like I actually stood a chance.

"Beatdown!? Don't make me laugh!" Kidd roared, and got to his feet, then pointed his finger at me accusingly. "That barely even tickled! I won't lose to you!"

"The blood running down your face says differently." I teased him, before I shut my mouth with a snap. I had just realised that I had made a mistake. A big one. A really big one. I had just mocked Kidd. _The one thing you don't do to him, as the corpses he had strewn around him testified to him._ You don't mock Captain Eustass Kidd, because if you do, then you don't mock him for long.

"Sure, go ahead and mock. But we'll see who's laughing when _your whole body is a fucking pun cushion!"_ Once again, Kidd called upon every single shred of metal he could, only this time he didn't form an arm. He didn't bother with that- instead gathering and compressed it, making a massive cluster of metal. Then, he fired it at me. " **Slaughter Raid!** "

The repelling force shot the spherical collection forwards, as if fired from a cannon, then mid shot it broke apart into its base components and scattered as it closed in on me so it more resembled a wall of bullets being fired at me than a single item. It was scary to watch- fast and terrifying in just how many things there could kill me if even one of them hit the right place.

And it was aimed solely at me. Fuck my big mouth.

However, I couldn't forget that I _did_ have one big advantage. I was scared, damn it, I was, but I had a Devil Fruit power. I could absorb these attacks. So why should I be scared in the face of this? If my Field was up, _then I was nigh invulnerable to a frontal attack like this_.

I had no time to scream out in defiance. All I could do was activate my Field and maintain it for as long as I could, and see if I could weather the storm. My torso, my face, my neck, my arms, and my legs. I had never made my power activate on so many parts of my body before, and the strain of just doing it for one second was enough to make me feel like I'd just had a bout with a Black Belt. Once I hit three seconds I could barely hold up my barrier, and when I hit five I _knew_ that time was almost up. Any longer, then surely my defence would fall and I'd end up as dead as doornail.

" _But the attack isn't over yet. They're still coming."_ Since I could literally defend for no longer, then there was no other option. I shut my eyes, unwilling to look my potential death in the eye if this failed. Though, I did smile- because if I was going to go down, I was going to give it my all. Then I did something really suicidal. I lowered my defences. All of them. For less than a second I left myself absolutely and completely vulnerable. Without my field, every single attack in my path would hit me, and I'd have nothing to stop this.

But in return, I had the opportunity to _attack_.

BANG! CLACK! CRASH! CHING! KACLACK! CLINK!

The cacophony multiplied, and to an outsider it would sound as if a war was raging, with steel clashing against steel and metal striking and breaking and falling. I released everything I could, then when my missiles had left my body I repeated and repeated, until eventually the war ended.

I opened my eyes. I'd weathered the storm, and lived to tell the tale. From the look of things, I hadn't escaped unharmed, and was bleeding heavily from multiple areas, but Kidd wasn't looking so good either. He looked exhausted. But also, triumphant.

Pain! Oh so much pain. It was a sudden shock- one that I hadn't been expecting. I hadn't seen any attacks, so what could have possibly just inflicted this pain? Then I located the source. It was behind me. I turned my neck and saw a long, rusty shard of metal lodged into my back.

"Oh my." I concluded, and fell to one knee.

"Fuck me, you almost got me there! Really, you did. Shame you failed." Kidd taunted. "I figured it out, see? That power of yours."

"Great! Please share your findings with the class!" I snarked back, then winced. Because, you know, _oh my god I was in pain_.

"You can absorb shit, but you can't fire it off at the same time too. More than that, you can't keep it up forever, and you can't do it _everywhere_. Attacks that brushed your sides and didn't hit you head on were the ones to make you bleed. But really, all that is just some observations. Want to know how I beat you? I attracted a blade towards me, and made sure you were in the path. If you can't see an attack coming, you can't block it, can you?"

"Duh." I told him, trying to stall him while my mind searched for answers. I was injured, pretty badly at that. I'd lost. But I couldn't give up. I had to get Kidd to make a blunder or something. _Some_ kind of opening, anyway. "Still, I should have seen this coming. You couldn't hit me with any of your attacks so you had to resort to stabbing me in the back like a coward."

" _WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!_ " Kidd was livid. Absolutely furious. His face was red, his arms trembling and his fists clenched so tightly I wouldn't be surprised if his fingernails drew blood. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A _COWARD!?_ "

"A-aye." I agreed, hoping my voice wasn't too squeaky. "That Raid thing you did was your trump card, right? I beat it. Don't even f-fucking deny it. I'm still standing. So you _had_ to stab me in the back to win."

"SHUT. UP." Kidd began to advance, while the metal around me reacted to the rage that was being displayed by the magnekinesis user. He was barely three feet away now. With a glare, he pulled out his dagger. "I am going to kill you." He decided, quite quiet compared to his earlier fury. "It's going to hurt real bad too. Then I'm going to slaughter everyone else on this island just because you made me bleed."

I needed _something_. Something to turn the tide. Something to let me escape with my life. I didn't want to die, ergo, I needed to come up with a plan. _"Come on Sam! You always prized your brain! Surely, we can think of_ something? _Maybe I could absorb his knife and counter up close? No, he expects it. Something else. Something,_ anything _else. Can I talk him down? Stupid- of course not. Run? No- dummy. Can't escape. I can't fight back fairly either. And I sure as hell am not physically_ overpowering _Kidd. So how? Kidd has all the pieces. Hell, his Devil Fruit basically counters mine entirely. Most of my projectiles are metal, because I didn't expect I'd be meeting Kidd so soon,so they're all_ useless _. And even if I can block his stuff, I can't do it forever, and if I ever try to fight back then all I do is give him back material he can use me to stab me in the back again._

 _So after all this thought, just what the_ fuck _can I do except_ bluff _."_

"Pussy!" I spat. "Really, I was gonna win, but then you stabbed me in the back. _Because you couldn't win without fighting dirty_."

"Do you want to be skinned alive!?" The calm fury was gone, replaced once more by the fiery and more violent anger. One beefy arm grabbed my collar and lifted me into the air, while the one gripping the knife laid it against my skin.

"Not really, but you will! Especially when your crew knows how you're so weak now that you need to use tricks to beat a little girl like me!" Sure, I was a guy on the inside, but in order to save my life I was willing to abuse this one point. "Strike me down and you only prove me right. Prove to everyone you're too chicken to win a fair fight! Just do it! Kill me! I dare you! I double dog dare you!"

The knife drew blood, and I almost pissed myself out of fear. Literally the only thing keeping me upright was the man holding me there, and the primal knowledge that if I fell unconscious the blade would slip and carve deeper. I was terrified… but this bluff was all I had. Only question was if my words would register to Kidd, or if he'd just go "fuck it" and murder me anyway.

A tense silence fell, and stretched on for over ten seconds as the Captain decided what to do. The knife still held towards my neck was a clear reminder just how the stakes were. Finally, he made a decision, and dropped me. I fell to the floor in a pile, and let out a groan. _"That was close."_

"Fine." He spat at me. "You say you won because you beat my 'trump card'? Then use yours. I'll beat it down, then when that's over with, I'll gut you. How does that sound?"

"G-great!" I gave a hasty thumbs-up and a confident smile. One the inside though, I was surely crying. _"Great. I have been given a chance to show of my trump card… except I just got my powers the other day so don't HAVE a FUCKING Trump Card and am basically just making it up as I go along!"_

So, now I had leave to offer one final attack. I had _one_ chance, in other words. But what could I do? What could I _possibly_ do? Hell, I didn't even know just how much stuff I had left inside my Hammerspace to use. Sure, if I focused I could vaguely sense what I had, but I doubted I had the concentration left for that what with all the _PAIN_ and all that. I had no idea what would come out of my body when I unleashed the arsenal hidden inside me.

" _Then again… he has no idea what's inside it either."_ You know that moment in cartoons when everything clicks, and an idea comes together under the metaphorical symbol of a source of light? Well- lightbulb!

"You want my best shot? An attack that will make you lose? Sure- I'll give you that." I staggered to my feet, and was amazed when I was able to walk despite the pain. Kidd watched me cautiously as I walked away, as casual as I could. My target in sight, I continued to walk.

"Well!? Where is it!?" Kidd spread his arms, as if inviting an attack. "Where is this 'attack' of yours, or are you just all talk!?"

"Oh no. I just had to get into position." I replied. I looked to Kidd, then back to my real target. Yes- it seemed I was close enough now. I raised my left arm and placed my palm against the surface of the large ship Kidd used to sail the seven seas- we'd been fighting at the docks after all. "Okay, all ready now."

However, my intentions clearly hadn't registered with Kidd yet, as all he did was look at me in confusion. "My ship? What are you doing? Are you planning to absorb then fire my ship at me?"

"Oh no. That would be silly." I just got these powers like a day ago, after all, "There's no way I could do that. I don't have the necessary control. Just touching this ship, I'm sure. I have a size limit. Not sure _quite_ how large it it yet, but a limit exists."

Kidd couched loudly, and gave me a sharp look. "Get on with it."

"Fine, fine, fine!" I snapped back on track. "Anyway, this was a doomed encounter from the get go, and no amount of projectiles is gonna change that. I just don't know my power enough to use it to its full potential, and lack the training in other areas to make up for it. Quite frankly, _Sam D Clarke cannot win in a fight against Eustass Kidd!_ " Yes- this was the plain and simple truth. Victory was never in the cards to begin with. Only someone with luck on the level of a Campione could ever possibly claim victory in a position like mine.

"Then again, I went about this the wrong way. I wanted to defeat you to make you go away. I wanted to _win_. In truth, I don't need to win." I shook my head, then I gave him the biggest shit eating grin I could. "Nah. I just need to make you lose too."

Confusion turned to understanding, then to shock and to anger. "You bastard. You hypocrite! You speak to me of cowardice and do _this!?_ "

"Yeah, I'm a coward. I quite literally have no balls left to talk about." Hah- genderbending jokes. It's funny because I'm actually still quite distraught! "Then again, I never denied it, and don't really mind the label. But you can't deny it. This is check."

"Ummm… I don't get it." A random voice said, one of the crew members of Kidd that was presently huddling inside one of the nearby homes called out. Various others echoed their confusion.

"Mooks. Never quite as smart as you want them to be. Let me educate you on just how fucked you all are." And thus, like all JoJo fans secretly desire, I explained the true nature of my 'attack'. "This is no physical attack. It's a threat. Just how many projectiles were fired this fight? I released many of them to counter the end of that Raid attack. But in the end, I defended more than I attacked. Likewise, just what do I carry that you aren't aware of? Sure- I could try to throw them all at your Captain, and maybe some hits would stick. But this is far more efficient. If I release my attack now, not at your Captain, but at the ship, then what happens? I am in direct physical contact with your ship, so what happens when I attack?"

And _now_ people were starting to realise the problem. I was too damn close. Pirates are dependent upon their ships in order to sail, and to most a ship is thing of pride, much like a Jolly Roger. I was threatening this pride, this livelihood. If necessary, I can fire all my arsenal at this ship _very_ easily, and unlike Kidd it can't dodge. Maybe Kidd can use his Attraction power to pull the projectiles towards him, but could he do it quickly enough to stop my first wave? Hell was it even possible for him to do it when I was in _direct contact_ with my target? Did he have the control to accomplish this anyway, or the endurance to carry on attracting for as long as I had items left in my Hammerspace to throw?

These were far too many maybes. All it took was one attack in the wrong place and the ship could be heavily damaged. This close to it, if I aimed away from the hull, I could potentially pierce the sails, cause leaks in the side, or just shred the entire things side. Kidd had been throwing around a lot of heavy hitting metal shards in that fight. Merely with his contributions alone I could probably breach the hull, but what about when it was added to whatever things I also had?

Admittedly I had jack all that could actually pierce it considering the short time I'd had these powers, but _Kidd didn't know that_.

If I grounded his ship, what then? If he stayed to fix it, a Marine patrol could find him. If he stole another, then it was a giant black mark of shame on his record. Either way, even if he killed me afterwards, _he would still lose_.

"So, Eustass Kidd, whatsay me and you make a deal. Sail away. This is your win. You got your 'revenge' and messed me up pretty bad. We both go our own ways, with no significant losses on either end. Or, you can push me, and we can see just how badly the two of us can lose."

I was bluffing. I was lying through my teeth. I wasn't ready to die- to force a pyrrhic victory upon him. The question was how an erratic and violent man like Kidd would react.

"So, _are you feeling lucky punk?_ "

For a moment, it looked like Kidd was just going to flat out murder me. I could tell, he was _fucking pissed_ , so pissed that he was almost willing to kill me anyway, just out of spite. But finally, a tinge of rationality entered his eyes, and I saw the bloodlust abate. "Tch! Fine. I get it already."

Now, the Devil Fruit user just looked more begrudging than murderous "We'll go our own separate ways. Okay? Just so you know though, I ever see you again, I _will_ kill you."

"Fine." I agreed, sounding far more confident than I really was. "Now, take your men and go."

Without another word, the men began to emerge from whatever pits they were hiding in when the fighting began. One by one they filed past me, while four of them carried the two bodies of the fallen pirates with them, while I maintained my ready position _just in case_. Then, Kidd passed me by. For a single moment our eyes met, and a sort of understanding came about. I think both of us knew it- that if ever we met again, only one of us would leave the encounter alive.

I wasn't naturally a murderous person, but Kidd was, and I was damn well going to have to put him in a shallow grave if I ever wanted him to stop.

"Hey Kidd!" I shouted, just as he had gotten onto his ship. "Wait for me in the Grand Line. Because when we next meet, _I'm gonna kick your shiny metal ass_."

With that, I had nothing left to say, nor did he. The ship sailed on, and I watched nervously as it slowly became smaller and smaller. Then, when I was sure that they weren't going to come back, I turned around to look at the audience that had gathered while I wasn't watching, that was now staring at me partially in awe and partially in fear.

"They're gone now. Fan-tucking-tastic. Now, can someone please get me some medical help please? Because oh god _the pain_." Then I could say no more, as the adrenaline in my system ran out and toppled forwards. All I could see was darkness, and nothing else.

XXXXXXXXXX

When I woke up all I could do was _groan_. I was lying in bed, face down, and my whole body felt like it had been put through a meat grinder.

"Ouch." I said, for lack of anything better to say. Soon I was able to blink the sleep out of my eyes and notice my surroundings. I was in a simple room with clean, white walls covered in medical diagrams, while to one side was a comfy looking swivel chair and table. It was in a doctor's office, or something.

" _Kind of expected this. Last thing I remember I had just picked a fight with_ Eustass Kidd _and bluffed the fuck out of him."_ Then it hit me just how dumb I'd been. _"Fucking hell. Reminder to self. STOP DELIBERATELY TAUNTING MENTALLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE WITH A HABIT OF MURDERING AND CRUCIFYING PEOPLE!"_

Still, I was alive. That was the best I could hope for.

"You gave us quite a scare, Cactus." A voice spoke to my left. I turned my head, and saw Horace at the door. Clearly, I had been lucky enough to wake up just when he showed up.

"Why're you still calling me that nickname when you _actually_ know my name now?"

His expression as bemused. "Would you _rather_ I call you Samantha?"

I shuddered. It just felt _uncanny_ having him call me that name. My mind was that of Samuel, and for most of my life I'd had a body that matched that- so a day or two was nowhere near long enough for me to be happy with a name like that. "No. I'm Sam."

"Well, better to be Cactus, eh? It definitely fits. Even if the weary traveller cuts you up and drinks you to parch their thirst, you still have the last laugh."

"… that analogy made, like, zero sense."

He rolled his eyes. "Youngsters. Always a tough crowd."

"So, what'd I miss? Did the hostages get out of there alive?" I'd honestly forgotten about them in the heat of the moment, so I _really_ hoped I didn't accidentally murder a punch of innocent people.

"Oh, sure. Once you two started throwing down, everyone got the fuck out of the way. Pirates, hostages, normies and all."

I felt a small tension leave my body. Something weighing me down that I hadn't even noticed has been relieved from me- the fear that maybe one of _my_ attacks had unknowingly caused collateral damage. "That's good."

"Aye. Now, I just have one question… _were you dropped on your head as a child!?_ " Hector, quick for his age, was upon me in a moment, and smacked the back of my head with all the might and skill of a professional chider.

"Ouch! What the hell was that for!?" I protested. I was in bed and in no position to defend myself! Geez, I was still face down! Speaking of which…

"No! Bad Cactus! No rolling over!"

"Did you _have_ to hit me again!?"

"Yes." Simple question, simple answer. "So, why did you think it was a good idea to pick a fight with a bunch of pirates when you have _no training_ , _no real idea about your Devil Fruit, and was greatly outnumbered and outpowered?_ "

… the answer I _wanted_ to give was 'Sorry- I figured that an omnipotent deity had enough common sense to ease me into One Piece tomfoolery slowly and would at least let me get one fight's worth of experience in before I was pushed into the deep end?'.

Unfortunately, this answer would likely end with me in a straightjacket, so I went for the safer answer of "It seemed like a good idea at the time?".

Luckily, Horace deemed me suitably chastised and didn't whack me again. "Well, think a bit harder before you do something that dumb again, dummy. A town can be rebuilt. The people can't."

I smiled a little. "I sure can do." I'd think about it, certainly. Doesn't mean I'd be able to stop myself though. "So, how long until I can turn over?"

"The doctor said you'll be able to sit up later. Taking a stab injury is no joke, but you're healing quicker than expected. Won't have to stay here for more than a day or two."

I looked up to the sky, and offered a simple thank-you. _"Welp, thanks for keeping your end of the bargain, IROB. If Zoro can get up after a life-threatening injury like its nothing, then it's only fair I should get similar recovery times."_ Still, that sounded almost grateful. I quickly amended my 'prayer'. _"You are still a dick though. REALLY? Kidd? For my FIRST fight? This is almost as bad as you stealing my dick! I mean, how else are you gonna fuck me over next, huh?"_

I was coming to the understanding that I _really_ didn't like IROB and his constant meddling. Most people assume that being a Self Insert would be fun, and that having a ROB would be more irritating than genuinely threatening. They'd likely be wrong. Take the Greeks as an example. Most of their heroes had a whole plethora or Divine beings watching and manipulating their lives as if they were mere entertainment, and few ever lived to retirement. Hell, I'd argue that only the luckiest ever got anything resembling a happy ending. Having a ROB was kinda like that.

" _In many ways, I would have been a hell of a lot happier if me showing up in One Piece had been spontaneous- nothing more than an error in the grand system of reality. Because at least then I wouldn't need to worry about the consequences of failing to live up to the 'expectations' of my patron."_

"So, what do I do now?" I wondered aloud, figuring that spending all my time thinking about such things was largely pointless. Better to take all my doubts, annoyances and worries and slam them into the tightest box imaginable- compartmentalise as much as I could until I was in a stronger position to deal with all of it. In other words, deal with it later, and move on now.

"Sit down, shut up, and get some bedrest." Horace commanded.

"Geez, you sound like my grandad." He had the same protective streak at any rate- but at the very least he cared.

"Girlie, you get to an old enough age and you become _everyone's_ grandpa."

XXXXXXXXXX

Bedrest was terrible. I had nothing to do and was a terrible patient, and I think it showed. The doctor only showed up to test the wound on my back every so often and administer medicine, before sodding off and leaving Horace to endure my bad mood. Poor man. Even I wouldn't subject him to me.

At this point in time though, I was alone. Horace was back with the missus, and I'd been left to my own devices, with only the day's paper to entertain me. Luckily, I was allowed to sit upright now that the wound had been properly treated.

But there, as I was ruffling through the only readable material available to me (Since Kidd's attack ended up burning down the small one room library the town maintained), searching for the puzzles page to do some Sudoku's while I was kept in overnight, I saw it. A single, solitary advertisement- one page that basically solved every problem I had.

There it was, in big bold lettering:

 **The 43** **rd** **World Fighters Tournament!**

Below, a massive cartoonish picture showcased a muscular boxer decking a bulky tank of a man in the chin. I prodded the image, and smirked. "There we go."

I continued to read, because it wasn't the Tournament that was relevant- it was the reward.

 **Grand Prize- 50,000,000 berries, and an all-expense paid cruise to the destination of your choice!**

"Come on…" I prayed. "C'mon… YES!"

In the small text displaying all available destinations, I saw what I hoped I would find. Loguetown, East Blue. One of the potential destinations for the cruise I could take was _Loguetown._

"All I need to do is to win this fighting tournament, and I'm set! Money, experience, and a one-way ticket to exactly where I need to get to- East Blue!" I couldn't have been luckier to find this if there had been Godly intervention.

" _Oh wait- IROB. It wouldn't be beyond him to throw me this bone to see me squirm when I need to enter it for the prize."_ After all, this was a _fighting_ tournament. And I had no experience. The chances of me winning were so slim that they were negligible. And yet…

"Isn't this exactly the sort of dumbass thing a Straw Hat Pirate would do?" I whispered. "And didn't I just survive a fight with goddamned _Kidd_? Hey, who knows? With a little cheating, a bit of prior training and my Devil Fruit bullshit, I might actually be able to pull it off! I have to enter at the very least."

So, there it was then. My next destination was Karate Island. I would go there, enter this world's equivalent to Street Fighter, cross my fingers for the best and hope that I could somehow pull off a win through sheer stubborn will alone. And if not, I still had the backup 'smuggler' option.

And thus, there was only one major roadblock between me and Monkey D Luffy. Winning a _test of physical fighting ability_ with literally _no prior training_.

My good mood at finding a solution dropped quicker than a suicidal man on a bridge. "Fuck me, it's never easy, is it?"

 **AN- oh Sam, poor silly Sam. They have yet to realise that the only outcome of being one of my Self Inserts is Suffering...**

 **But yeah. This chapter was primarily Sam VS Kidd. I wanted to drop Sam in the deep end, and I figured this takes the cake. I figured that Sam and Kidd were real strong counters to each other, and I figured a conflict between the two. But ultimately, Sam lost. Because** _ **duh**_ **. No training or experience with a half-assed Devil Fruit power- it's like a gave him a gun and he uses it as a club. Kidd just had more experience, plain and simple. So Sam: 0, Kidd: 1.**

 **Oh- and on Killer, the Supernova that hangs out with Kidd. In canon, it never says WHEN they met, so for the sake of giving Sam even the slightest chance of victory, I decided to bench him. Regardless of what shows up in canon in the future, you can assume that they either split up for a bit, or Kidd meets him on the island after this one.**

 **As for next chapter… well, can anyone hear the words 'Tournament Arc' upon the horizon? Undying Soul out.**


	5. Montage

**Chapter 5: Montage**

 **AN- what sort of tournament arc is it if it doesn't have a Rocky style training montage within?**

 **Disclaimer: One Piece is the property of Oda- may he continue to profit from it late into his seventies, as it will no doubt still be continuing strong at that point.**

 **Beta: Nigris**

Finding a way to Karate Island was far easier than I expected. Thanks to one of the fisherman I ended up saving from Kidd, I arrived at my destination in no time at all. But as I took my first steps onto the island it finally hit me just how stereotypically _Chinese_ this place was. They could not have made it more Asian if they tried. Large oriental statues faced out towards the ocean, beautiful flowers bloomed from trees, photogenically scenic rivers flowed throughout the island, and about every building I passed by was either a pagoda or had that "upturned roof" design. This was the only city on Karate Island- Jade City, the oriental gem of a capital. There was just one problem with the relaxing and traditional city.

The Tourists.

They were like flies: noisy, bothersome, culturally ignorant, and _loud_. The sole unifying factor between them was their single-minded determination to watch people _kick the shit_ out of each other. I pitied the locals for putting up with them, but then again, tourists were the expected downside to having an economy focused on tourism. And this city really raked it in- souvenir stalls and mobile cooking venues lined the streets, passing off their shoddy goods at extortionate prices. I loathed to know just how much the hotels here would cost.

"To think it's this busy, even when the grand event is still a week away…" admittedly, the qualifiers were being held over the week, so there _was_ entertainment here to attract them, but it was still surprising how many people there were.

Speaking of qualifiers, I still needed to sign up. Luckily, it was very easy to find the necessary place- all I had to do was look for the loudest, most muscular and most diverse in background people I could find.

By the time I finished queuing and had filled in my paperwork, it was getting close to twilight. While I was with the administrator in charge of registration, I did have something else I needed to say.

"Oh yeah! I also have this letter of recommendation." I pulled out a simple envelope from within my Hammerspace and handed it over to the baffled, bespectacled man.

"Hmmm… where did you get this from?"

"I fought off some tough pirates for the town I was staying in, and when the mayor heard I was planning to enter the tournament, he gave me this, presumably as proo."

He gave me a hard look. "I'm guessing you hope to be pushed through the qualifiers?"

I nodded. "Pretty much."

The frown on the man's face deepened. "This is highly irregular. Only 8 people are allowed to be automatically added to the tournament via invitation, and you weren't one of them."

"Weeellll… can you check? Pretty please?" I gave him the nicest smile I could muster. I'd practiced this look in the mirror all the way on the three-day boat journey to arrive here. I was cute as hell, and while I was… _unused_ … to my present body, I wasn't above using what I had for my own needs. A nice smile costs nothing, and was way better than potentially getting my ass handed to me in the qualifiers. Cut out the excess risk, y'know?

His stony expression softened, if only for a minute. "I suppose I can check."

He entered a backroom, leaving me to twiddle my thumbs for 20 odd minutes until he returned. "You're in luck. The letter is authentic, and one of our 8 candidates has ducked out. Apparently the participant suffered a rare case of spontaneous lightning strike, followed by an equally unlikely instance of him getting severe head trauma from a falling rock. So lucky you, we might just be able to push you through."

I fistbumped. _"Go IROB! Also… fuck you IROB!"_ Yeah- I couldn't lose my priorities. No matter how convenient IROB's shameless reality warping could be, he was also the one to dump me in this mess in the first place. He also threw that psychopath Kidd at me and gave me _bewbs_. So yeah- fuck that guy.

"It's not like this is the first time we've given an offer out to a relative newbie." The man muttered to himself, before shaking his head and getting back on track. "Alright then. Show up here on the day an hour before the matches begin, one week from now, got it?"

I nodded resolutely. "Don't worry, I'll be ready."

Now it's just a matter of actually getting good enough not to instantly die in said matches…

XXXXXXXXXX

Considering how the island was named 'Karate Island' and was famous for its martial artists, it was surprisingly hard to find someone willing to train me. I'd expected to find wise old monks everywhere, just _waiting_ to find a worthy main character to tutor.

Instead I got this:

"HALF PRICE KARATE! For a limited time only, you- yes, YOU THERE- can be trained in the valiant arts of kicking ass and taking names! Now with 10 percent more complementary bubblegum! In only 500 sessions I can _guarantee_ you will be the equal of any Blue Belt this side of the Red Line! Using the fabled teachings of Daniel Habuki himself, you will be amazed by your progress! For a limited time only, you can buy 50 sessions, and get another 50 weeks free! All of it- Half Price! So come on down, boys and girls! This really isn't a scam!"

Or I got this:

"Strong woman seeks tutorage, but _wise_ woman seeks it _before_ there is only one week left to go until major tournament she plans to enter."

It was a simple problem. Half of the instructors were tools more interested in selling lessons to gullible idiots than actually teaching, while the actually competent teachers already had students. Honestly, what had I been thinking? With a week left to go before the year's most prestigious event, just who the hell did I expect to find that was free to teach me?

Hey there! You! Kiddo!" I halted in the street as I tried to pick out who was calling me. But I couldn't see them.

"Huh." I muttered. "Could have sworn someone was-"

"Ignoring someone is _rude,_ didn'tcha know?"

A sudden stab of pain, and I cursed. Looking down, I saw a small, balding man in a tracksuit with his foot planted atop my own, clearly responsible for the pain.

"Jesus, what was that for?" I spat, pushing him away and hopping about on my uninjured foot.

"For ignoring me." He repeated.

"Not my fault you're so short!" I snapped.

"Ya got fire, kiddo! That's good! Ya gonna need it!" he announced dramatically, pointing up at me. It was a little hard to take this man seriously though, considering he only went up to my waist.

"Need it? For what?"

He smirked. "Why, for the training, duh! Don't think I didn't see ya skulking about, looking for an opening! I had my eye on you, see! As soon as I saw you hand over that letter to the qualifiers guy, I said to myself 'Phil, this girl's a keeper! You have just _got to_ train her!'."

I frowned. "Hang on a sec, have you been _stalking_ me!?"

"Details, details!" he brushed this very valid concern off like snow from his shoulders. "What matters, kiddo, is you're stuck! I saw the decent one's all reject you, while the others are posers barely worthy of their bleached robes! Nah- what you need is a _proper_ Coach."

My eyebrow was as sceptical as the rest of my demeanour. "And let me guess, the unimpressive, middle aged bald man before me is _clearly_ the proper choice?"

"Clearly." He agreed. "Lookie here, kiddo! It's me, or the road. Believe me when I say you'll find nobody worth their salt with any openings left for a student this close to the event! _I'm the only choice left._ "

I rubbed my chin as I looked down on him- quite literally. Now, on the one hand, he did have a point. I had gotten nowhere asking around, and it was doubtless that any 'masters' would even be willing to take a random girl in at the last minute. On the other though…

"Didn't you just say that 'nobody worth their salt' has any openings left? Therefore, what does it mean that _you_ have open spaces?"

"Clearly nobody is worthy of studying under the majestic and wonderful Coach Phil!" He declared, striking a pose that would have seemed almost JoJo-ian, had it not been a balding dwarf trying to pull it off.

"Either that, or nobody could stand you…" I mumbled.

"So, what do ya say? I need a student, and you need a teacher!" he gestured between us. "We have. So much. In common! Stick with me kiddo, and for a measly 10 percent of the prize fund I _will_ send you straight to the top! Hell, I'll even throw in a roof over your head, since believe me when I say that you'll be lucky to find somewhere not fully booked _and_ in your price range!"

It was a tempting offer. I knew from listening to all the nonsense the instructors gave to try and sell their lessons that one cannot always trust an instructor based on their words… but, did I have any other choice?

" _Please be a Master Roshi in disguise, PLEASE be a Master Roshi in disguise!"_

 _ **Play Luffy's Theme**_

"Fine." I sighed, and offered him a hand for him to shake. "You have a deal, little man."

"That's _Coach_ Little Man to you!" He announced triumphantly, wild grin on his face. He rubbed his hand on his tracksuit, then grasped my own hand with his own. "This is gonna be great! You'll see! It will be a partnership of the ages! The Amazing Coach Phil and his pupil… his pupil…" he gestured to me.

"Sam...Sam D Clarke."

"Right! The Amazing Coach Phil and his Lovely Pupil Samantha!" he seemed happy with the ring of it, though I sure as hell didn't. "This is gonna be great!" he repeated, releasing my hand. "I promise, you won't regret this!"

XXXXXXXXXX

I was _really_ regretting this.

"Momma! Momma! I've done it! I've got an actual customer!" Coach Phil yelled, running inside the run-down bungalow that was his abode. The door was hanging on by one hinge, several window panes were loose and I think the wall was missing a plank or two- all in all, I doubted that it would have been cleared as 'liveable' were a housing inspector to investigate.

"An _actual_ customer!? You shitting me boy?"

"No! She was flat out of luck enough to accept! When she wins, we're gonna be able to eat meat for weeks! No- _months!_ "

With that said, Coach Phil rushed back outside and ushered me down into his back garden. "Come on! Here's the Gym! A real beauty, ain't she!?"

I was as equally unimpressed with the gym as I was with the home and man. A run down shed, some battered dummies and a square, dirt ring (Painted with several different shades of paint, and uneven lengths of side so it was more a rhombus really) were not my idea of a good training environment. I also spotted some weights off to one side, though the fact that they were boulders tied to random metal rods using copious amounts of duct tape kinda subtracted from any value they brought to the table.

"Chris was right. The Dark Side really _does_ get a better gym than us."

"Rubbish!" Coach Phil roared, jumping onto a tree stump to give him a significant elevation. "A Gym's not about its equipment, or its supplies, or its location! It's about the _heart!_ "

"… pretty sure a good part of it _is_ the equipment, though."

"Shut up! Do I tell you how to do _your_ job!?"

"Well, you _are_ a Coach!"

"Shut up!" he leapt from the stump angrily. "I don't pay you for backchat or lip!"

"Pretty sure I pay _you_ actually, if I win…"

"Leave common sense at the door! This is Coach _Phil's_ turf!"

I raised my arm and gave him a mirthful smirk. "Your garden has a _gate_ , and it's broken."

"Geez, are you here to banter or are you here to learn how to beat shit up? Now get onto the floor and give me 20!"

I rolled my eyes, but dutifully said "Yes, Coach."

This was what I wanted, after all.

XXXXXXXXXX

This wasn't what I wanted at all.

I looked like a mess. I was covered in mud, half of my clothing had been torn off, I had twigs running through my hair like I'd gone mad with the decorative clips, and I still had a leech attached to my bare shoulder.

"Look, you were complaining about my facilities so I was all like 'sure, let's go on a field trip'. Can't win with ya, can I?"

"Phil," I began darkly, abandoning the 'Coach' suffix as he really didn't deserve it. "you dumped my bed into the middle of the forest aptly named the Forest of Dismay… _while I was sleeping_."

"I gave you a lie in as opposed to waking you up at the crack of dawn. Show your gratitude to the great Coach Phil!"0.

"Then you left me a note telling me to find a way back to the gym… _but conveniently left no directions_."

He shrugged. "It was to hone your fighter's instinct! Learn to navigate a forest, and you can easily navigate a battle field!"

"That's bullshit and you know it!" I hissed. "More than that, Phil, why didn't you warn me that the wildlife was so gosh damn aggressive!?"

"It's a forest. Did you expect the critters to be hosting _tea parties_?"

"Well, no… but the wolves!"

"It's really your fault for having bacon hidden in your clothes. You were just _asking_ for the wolves to maul you."

I had the sudden urge to murder someone… one person in particular. "And _what bacon_ is this _?_ "

"The bacon I hid in your clothes, obviously." He nonchalantly announced.

"Uhuh, so that's what I was smelling?"

"Pretty much. I recommend ya wash that scent off and soon. Those fella's are like bloodhounds with the stuff."

"Phil, I hate you. Those wolves almost killed me!"

"Meh." He waved his hand in a wishy-washy fashion. "You would have been fine."

"Phil, why did the wolves know kung-fu?" I felt this was a _very_ important question to ask.

He scoffed. "We at the Institute of Phillip's Combat Instruction do not believe in mollycoddling our students."

"Answer the question." I glared. "Phil, why the hell do the wolves know _kung fu!?_ Love of god- they're _wolves_. How are they even able to get up onto two legs long enough to hit someone!?"

"This is Karate Island! It's more a surprise to know which animals here _don't_ know how to throw a punch! Still, ya came out in one piece. I think that today has been a valuable training experience, wouldn'tcha agree?"

Between my desire to kill my Coach with fire, and my desire to get stronger, I really had no idea which instinct would have won had Momma Phil not announced at that moment about how dinner was ready.

In the end, the urge to feed and get a bath won out, and I stormed past Phil.

"Well, at least you know what to expect when I send you out into the woods tomorrow now!" Phil called out after me, cheerfully.

To the surprise of nobody, I snapped like a brittle twig- the 'maim-burn-kill' urge won out. "I'M GONNA TEAR YOUR SPLEEN OUT FROM YOUR STOMACH AND MAKE YOU EAT IT!"

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, Phil got his way, and we went to the Forest of Dismay the next day. And the day after. And the day after. In fact, when I wasn't sleeping, eating, being taught basic fighting stances or doing exercises in his back garden, I was typically in the woods plotting the death of my 'mentor' while running from dangerous animals.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Oh god! The Wolves are back! And they're disappointed that we didn't bring meat!" Phil roared in terror. In one swift move, he leapt swiftly onto my shoulders and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Run you fool, run!"

I complied.

XXXXXXXXXX

For a change, I wasn't crying murder in the woods. No- it was 'rest day' apparently, and I was standing in front of a gleaming window, wiping a cloth methodically up and down across it, while chanting a little song. "Cloth goes up~ cloth goes down~ cloth goes up~ cloth goes down~"

"Wow, these windows are spotless! Hell, you even managed to wedge the loose ones back in! I'm impressed!" Phil declared happily. "When I asked you to do this, I expected complaints, not work like this!"

"Fear not!" I said, while continuing my work. "I've seen the Karate Kid! I know how this goes! Menial chores are actually a great set of katas to help train the body to react!"

"What, really?" Phil looked dumbfounded. "Never knew that. I was just pushing along the jobs I was too lazy to do, to be honest."

From within my Hammerspace I pulled out a rock in mid-motion and let it sail straight into Phil's face. It was a grand moment of satisfaction, but one I would no doubt come to regret in the next day's training.

XXXXXXXXXX

Phil got his revenge in a spectacular fashion- namely in the sense didn't really need to try to get his revenge, since any and all visits to the forest inevitably resulted in my intense regrets afterwards.

"The bears here are kick boxers. Why should I be surprised?" I sighed at the latest problem in front of me, while nimbly dodging the swift assault of the massive grizzly I was facing off against. Once more Phil's idea of training was 'leave me in the forest, throw rocks at the nearest deadly animal, then giggle from behind a nearby tree'.

"It's no stranger than that Judo using Deer from two days back! I heard legends about that beastie from my principal back at school!"

I agreed with his initial statement. That asshole deer could literally dislodge trees using his brute strength alone.

"Any advice?!" I shouted, still desperately trying to dodge the bears assault. If anything, his failure to strike me was only motivating him to try and kill me all the harder. That time he broke his kicking pattern and almost clawed my head off due to his frustration. "He's getting pissed off! And his arm strength is much effing better than his legs!"

"You should get up on the Grizzly's back!" Phil yelled.

"How the hell is _that_ supposed to help!?"

"Just trust me! Get onto the Grizzly's back! Get onto the Grizzly's back! Get onto the-"

"No! I will not try and get onto the back of the _deadly wild animal trying to maul me_."

"Its valid advice!" Phil argued. "If you get onto the Grizzly's back then he _can't_ kick you… or scratch you… or bite you… _or_ maul you!"

I paused for a moment to comprehend his statement (Almost losing my head to a deadly jump kick if my instincts hadn't led me to dive out the way beforehand), then sighed. "Fuck. Welp, it's better than what I'm presently doing."

And thus, I prepared to try and climb up the body of the beast that wanted to eat me. _"I really hate my life."_

I had a target in mind now though, and so when it came up to me with another strong kick I knew how to tackle it. I rolled under its legs, then leapt up and span around, clamping onto fur as tightly as I could. As the beast roared and struggled, I quickly tugged myself up, then dug deep and held onto its shoulders with all my might.

" _Pleasedon'tfalloffpleasedon'tfalloffpleasedon'tfalloff!"_

As the bear bucked and writhed, and spun, seeking to throw me off, I was amazed I was still keeping hold. This ride was wild, like mounting a bull within a red room. _"Oh god it's gonna buck, it's gonna buck! I can't fall! I can't fall! It will kick my face in!"_ and then it did. With a roar it shook, throwing all its weight around. For a moment, I felt weightless and I was lifted from its back by the force of the throw. By now my only points of bodily contact with the beast were my hands gripping fur. Then the force tugged me, and I lost my grip.

 **Play Luffy Moukou**

 _Except I didn't fall_.

No. Despite everything that says I should have fallen, I did not. I flew up in the air due to the force, but throughout it all, I did not fall- my tightly clenched hands retained purchase. Once the buck ended, I collapsed against the things back, and didn't even attempt to try and keep myself atop my mount. And yet, despite this my hands maintained their grip upon the grizzly's shoulders. _I did not fall off._

I laughed in relief, while the bear only got angrier and angrier. "Well, somehow it seems I was able to keep hold of the Grizzly's ba-"

And then I stopped, mid-sentence. Because suddenly it made sense. The clouds had parted, my vision was clear, the lightbulb was on upstairs and the angels sung down upon from the heavens above. It all made sense. _It_ _all made sense_ , and it was oh so bloody obvious that the only thing stopping me from face palming was the fact that the hands necessary to palm me were the sole things keeping me from falling off the bear's back and getting trampled.

"Bloody hell, my power literally turned my body into _a Bag of Holding!_ Why did it take so long to figure out that I've eaten something as blatant as the Hold-Hold Fruit!?"

Yes. That was the best explanation I could think of. Devil Fruits were an odd duckling as far as powersets go- hardly consistent. Sometimes the powers gained were very literal, yet other times they were quite abstract and only limited by the user's creativity. And in this case, my power somehow let me _hold onto the bears back_ because I REALLY didn't want to be thrown off; if I let that trail of logic continue then my grip was nigh unbreakable because if I _had_ eaten the Hold-Hold Fruit then that would mean I _could hold anything_. I could even hold things _inside my own body_ , as seen by how I've mostly used my power so far.

Maybe I was wrong, but I was confident. I just… _knew_. I was a Hold-Hold Ma… a Hold-Hold Woma… a Hold-Hold _Person_.

"I can always Hold on now, big guy, so just _try_ to throw me off!" and so it did. For like, two hours, before I was somehow able to get it to knock itself out by running into a tree.

On the one hand, I knew my power now, so progress had been made. On the other hand, I was _pissed_ with Phil, because Bears are Bad News!

XXXXXXXXXX

"Is that a- is that a _panda_?" I asked Phil while jogging, as he sat atop my shoulders (He claimed it was traditional).

"Well, yeah. This whole place's shtick _is_ Chinese Kung Fu Land. I'm surprised why you haven't asked why the wildlife we've fought so far has been so, well, not-Chinese."

"Eh. Grand Line logic." We ain't there yet, but the principle applies. Go into One Piece with expectations of sanity, leave with chopsticks shoved up your nose. "Speaking of which, if that's a panda, why are we running from it considering how Panda's eat bamboo?"

Phil rapped my forehead with one hand. "Hey, can _you_ see any bamboo here? Nah- the panda's here learned how to eat meat, and have adapted over the years to hunt it."

"Wonderful. Ever wonder how a herbivorous panda ended up on an island without anything it could eat, and was somehow able to breed to the point where _mass adaptation of diet through the centuries_ was even possible to begin with?"

"Meh." Phil raised his shoulders and spread his hands, as if saying 'eh, who the fuck knows, who the fuck cares?'.

"Fair enough." I continued to run.

XXXXXXXXXX

"You have done well in your training, young one. I think you are ready for one of the final challenges I can offer." Phil sounded almost sagely as he led me through the woods, to the deepest darkest section of it. "This is an arduous trial- one _my_ sensei didn't even dare let me attempt until I was 27. In truth, you will most likely perish from facing the foe I wish to pit you against."

I gulped, quite audibly at that. "That doesn't sound good. Do I _have_ to fight the monster that's likely to send me straight to my certain death?"

"I am afraid so!" Phil sniffed, wiping away tears that were suddenly running down his face. "In the road to greatness, risks must be taken! Sometimes the student must be pushed beyond their lyrics, and the poor teacher must watch them be torn apart afterwards! Oh, woe to the teacher for losing such promising cash sour- _students_."

"… _amazing how Phil always makes it about him."_

"I have faith though! I escaped, and I am sure you will too!"

"Escaped?" I queried.

"Oh, yes." He nodded absentmindedly. "I don't expect you to _win_. Just run the fuck away."

I sighed in relief. If there was one thing I could do, it was run away. "Great. So where is this monstrosity then?"

"We're here! It lies straight ahead, just down that gorge, by the Cave of Certain Doom!" He gestured towards the foreboding cave that lay ahead. I strained my eyes to see just what creature would be there. A mountain lion? A tiger? Another fucking bear? Maybe some One Piece exclusive horror? But I could see nothing. No beasts, ghouls or monsters.

"Phil, where the fuck is it?"

"It's right there!" He yelled.

"Invisible?"

"No, you dumbass! Look, by the hollow tree!"

I followed his gaze, but the only thing I could see was a common red squirrel scuttling across the floor.

"By the squirrel?" I confirmed.

"Nae. It _is_ the squirrel. The Red Blooded, Slaughter Squirrel!" Phil winced, barely able to look at the small animal.

Within seconds of hearing his confirmation of the enemy being the squirrel, I paled, and my whole body seized up in unbridled terror. _"Oh shit. I suddenly realise_ exactly _what reference our conversation just sounded like_."

"Phil," I began, turning to the _horrid_ little man. "Don't you dare-"

PUSH! With a jump, and a strong spartan kick to the torso, I was sent flailing backwards over the edge of the gorge and down into its depths. I hit the ground with a loud THUD, and a groan. I pushed myself to my feet though. If I'd been taught anything here, it's _don't stay on the ground where there are carnivorous creatures ready and waiting to maul your face off_.

"I will KILL YOU when I get out of here!" I roared up at my coach.

"Only if you survive!" he shouted back, and began to run away himself. I cursed, and began to sprint myself. I didn't even look back at the squirrel. I knew it was hopping after me.

I'd seen _Monty Python's Holy Grail_. I knew exactly how this would end.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was done. I had managed to escape, albeit barely. There had been a few close calls with the demon (Especially when I realised that climbing a tree and hiding wouldn't help due to my assailant being, y'know, a squirrel), but now I was free!

Free to collapse to the forest floor and rest. "Gonna… kill… Phil…" I grunted, between rasping breaths. I shut my eyes, despite myself, and began to feel myself nodding off despite myself.

" _Don't be dumb Sam. Sleeping in the forest is the dumbest shit ever… but resting your eyes for a few minutes won't hurt."_

I jerked back to attention an unknown amount of time later when I felt something on my torso. My eyes shot wide open, and I looked down. Then I screamed the ever-living fuck out, until my voice went hoarse. I couldn't move, I could barely breathe. Because sitting atop me was probably the worst thing that could ever be there.

A spider.

But it wasn't just any spider. It was a gods damned _tarantula_ , perched atop my torso (And just below my breasts), staring me dead in the eyes with its own eight, dark voids.

Now, let it be said now. I don't dislike bugs, and I'm not scared of spiders. Rather, I am _pants shittingly TERRIFIED_ of spiders. When I see a spider in the bath tub, I promptly turn around and leave the room- and tentatively take a peek of the room later to see if the spiders sodded off yet. The act of me trying to _deal_ with a spider on my lonesome literally requires liquid courage for me to so much as try to ram a glass over it.

Having any spider climb onto me would be enough for me to freak the fuck out, but it wasn't just any god damned spider on me. It was a _tarantula_. The biggest, hairiest and scariest of all its ilk. And this bad boy was big- looking more like a small, horrifying puppy in stature than the hand sized ones I've heard of in the past.

So yes. I was more than likely seconds away from a heart attack, and there was nothing I could do about the monstrosity atop me!

" _Oh wait. Bullshit Devil Fruit powers."_

I thusly took advantage of my Devil Fruit being able to ignore the thin layer of clothing I was wearing, and launched the largest rock I had from my torso, directly beneath it. I could almost swear it let loose a yip of surprise as it was fired into the air, but I didn't exactly sit around to listen. Instead, I sprang into action. I rolled like I'd never rolled before, and screamed my girly lungs out.

Eventually, I heard something hit the floor, so I jumped to my feet and pulled a cutlass out from my Hammerspace.

"And there's the blighter." I hissed.

The little monster was on the floor, looking thoroughly unconcerned with the small flight it had just gone through. Instead, its body was shaking on the spot, loosening itself up. Then, it turned to me, and titled its body to one side, giving me a lopsided look while its mandibles chittered. "Kekikekikek."

"Oh god, you are horrifying." I told it, brandishing the sword like a lifeline, and backing slowly away while refusing to let the arachnid out of my sight. "Has anyone ever told you that? You're all black and green and hairy and you are _fucking enormous_."

The arachnid chirped almost happily, and bounced on the spot. I was not joking- it literally leapt up in excitement.

"Okay. That wasn't a compliment. Still, you're big and scary and I'd rather never see you again, so I'm gonna walk away now. We can go our separate ways. No need for me to try and stab you, or you to try and eat my skull."

The arachnid drooped, as if sad, and let loose a little warble. I had no idea how this tarantula was displaying emotions so intently, or how it could understand me, but I didn't care.

"Look! A bribe!" I reached into my Hammerspace, and pulled out my emergency food supply. I couldn't store living material (Believe me, I had checked on some of the animals I'd fought in this forest), but dead stuff was A-Okay, so I had a bunch of food stashed away, seemingly in suspended animation as I'd seen no sign of decay from anything I'd put in. I threw the cooked chicken pieces behind the spider and _far_ away from me.

With a cheerful "Kekikek!", the spider flashed over to the meal within the time it took to blink, and began to devour its prey quickly.

"See? Fooooood. So, I'll just leave some stuff, and then _you_ leave me alone." How best to deal with terrifying wildlife? Bribe it, especially if it seems able to comprehend exactly what you are saying.

Then the food was eaten, and the tarantula turned back to me with sparkles in its many eyes. Clearly satisfied, its mandibles twitched happily. I stepped back, and it skittered a bit closer. I took another step, and it closed distance equivalent to two.

"Nonono!" I protested loudly. "Y-you aren't getting it! I give food, and you _leave me the fuck alone_. I don't like the look on your face! It looks far too excited! And the way your legs are twitching, as if you're about to-"

Leap.

"Eeeeeeek!" I screamed. "It's on my leg! Motherfucker!" I shook my leg madly, but the spider held on. Were another animal doing this, it might look cute or amusing- having something wrapped around someone's leg as if hugging them, while rubbing its hairy body against them in a display of apparent 'affection'. However, in reality a mother fucking spider was climbing up my body and was probably planning to crawl onto my face and lay its eggs inside my warm stomach or something.

No matter how many of its actions could be comparable to that of an excitable puppy, it wasn't.

"Getoffgetoffgetoffgetoff!" I had a large stick in my hands as soon as I could physically pull it out of my Hammerspace, and jammed it beneath the spider. With a loud roar, I leveraged it and threw the creature off me. I saw it land on its back, and then I turned and sprinted away.

If I was lucky, it would be stuck like that for a while, and I could be a good few miles away by the time it tried to get its revenge.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Phil, I want to check something." I told my trainer, upon finally clawing my way back to the house, where Phil was sat at the table with a warm mug of coffee served in a misspelled 'best son ever' mug.

"My god! You survived!" Phil stated, a trace of disbelief in his voice. "Perhaps this wasn't a doomed venture?"

"The only doomed venture here is my hopes for competent teaching." I groaned. "I just spent an hour running away from a squirrel, and got facehugged by a mother fucking _tarantula_. You make HOGWARTS seem like a safe place of learning."

"... I'll take that as a compliment."

" _Don't_." I told him, with a growl.

"You do realise that you just look really cute when you try to growl?"

I paused. No, I stopped, and gave Phil the most dead-level look I could. "Phil, my voice may be high pitched, and I may have mounds of flesh on my torso, **but at this point in time, I'm so close to the edge of snapping that I must ask if you're truly willing to test me?** "

Phil considered his options before finally concluding that yes, while I probably wasn't as intimidating as I wish I was due to the undeniable fact that I wore the body of a very cute girl, that didn't change that fact that I could still be scary as fuck and he probably shouldn't push his luck. "Fine. What did you want to try out?"

"This." Then, I punched him. It was quite casual. I allowed no sense of doom to emanate from me, no Intent at all- merely punched him.

"Ouch! Mother fucker!" Phil said, stumbling away with a bloody nose. "What the fuck was that for!?"

"A week of hell." I told him. "And for an experiment."

"What? 'Just how much blood does a poor and innocent coach lose when you thump him in the face'?"

I smiled a little. "No. A different question actually. One I probs should have tested earlier. 'What happens if I try to Hold onto a human'? Like, I can absorb all kinds of stuff, but I didn't know if I could absorb humans. I tried it on some of the animals I fought in the forest and it failed, but I wanted to double check if humans made any difference. See if there was an all around no-living-material handicap, y'know?"

"And that has to do with punching me in the face, how?" He snarled, holding his nose with one hand to stop the blood flow.

"Well, I decided that a punch was a more satisfying test than just laying a palm on you." I admitted. "If it worked, the punch would fail and I'd Absorb you, and if it didn't, I'd get the satisfaction of slugging you in the face to make up for all the shit you've put me through. Tomorrow is the tourney, and so I can conclusively get away with smacking you, _because you can do fuck all to me now that you've taught me everything you know_."

"Heh. Hahahahaha!" Laughed Coach Phil, cackling so loudly and intensely that he was almost bent over a full ninety degrees. "You're a few too years to say that, you brat! I could still hand you your ass fifty times over!"

I Smiled. "Oh really?"

He nodded, resolutely. "Absolutely."

With that declaration, I shrugged. Then, I walked over to the small man, picked him up by the back of his shirt while he struggled futilely with his smaller limbs, and hung him atop the coat hanger by the door.

"Ahhh- that was satisfying." I released a content little sigh while Phil cursed and frantically tried to reach up to unhook his shirt from the surprisingly tall rack. "I mean _really_. I knew I had been a little… pent up lately, but I didn't know that this would be so cathartic."

"O-okay, you've had your joke! It's been a laugh! Hahahaha! _Now get me down already!_ "

"Sorry, I didn't hear you." I told him with an evil little smile. "It's just that I'm _oh so tired_ from all this training that my ears just aren't working considering how the squirrel tried to _bite them off_ earlier today. I'd best get straight to bed, ready for an early wakeup tomorrow, hmmm?"

Then, I walked away without another word. Gosh- it felt good. As I shut the door of the guest room, I heard one last comment from the peanut gallery.

"… Momma, it happened again."

" _Yes. Revenge is sweet. I should make sure to indulge in it more frequently…"_

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, I woke up to a curious weight on my head. I couldn't see the sunlight, as something was blocking my vision. _"Probably my pillow."_ I reached up to pull the offending item off me, and felt hair and distinct parts as opposed to a large, soft item.

"Meep." I quietly noted. The dark shape moved, turning around and repositioning itself so I could see it properly. The tarantula was back. It had followed me home. It had spent who knows how long sitting on my face, and was now chittering joyfully.

"Save me Phil!" I cried aloud. From the next room, I heard loud snores. "Curse you Phil!"

"Keekekekikek!" The mandibles clattered together, and I got a good up-close look at it. It was even worse to look at when I didn't have a few meters distance between us.

"Get off!" I cried, and managed to throw it off me. It struck the floor, bounced, and flipped upright again. Barely affected, it shook the whole experience off and ran a wide circle by the bed, before dashing underneath it.

"Okay." Shudders racked my body, and my voice came out very tired and very weak. "I am _not_ getting off this bed anytime soon. And I better hope that Phil has a big damned baseball bat and is willing to use it."

XXXXXXXXXX

When Phil entered the room, the tarantula came out to greet him. Rather than doing the sensible thing of, I don't know, _killing it dead_ , he instead declared the horror to be adorable- almost like a 'small puppy'. Phil then proceeded to give its hairy body a good scratching, and fed it some leftovers from the fridge. In his eyes, it was official. It's name was now Cuddles, and I had been tasked with looking after it since it had apparently decided that I was its new owner.

I didn't have the guts to try and kill it since I was too scared to get anywhere close to it, while it wanted to lay eggs in my stomach so much that it was unlikely to leave me alone. To Cuddles, this was surely a beneficial relationship. I give it food and let it lay eggs inside me, and I get to not have it eat me immediately so that its offspring can feast on me from the inside out instead.

To me, this was a nightmare, and I couldn't wait to leave the island so I could escape this monster. And really, I blamed Phil for this whole experience.

XXXXXXXXXX

Finally, my training was over. It was a week of hell; at some parts I didn't think I would survive, but in the end, I overcame it all. I still had no clue how all the shit I'd been put through would actually help me win a _human fighting competition_ , but I did feel stronger, tougher and more-ready to tear someone's eyes out.

Huh- I was doing this training not just to get ready for a tournament, but also to prepare to fight the monsters far stronger than me that lived in the Grand Line; in many ways, I was actually quite ready for this goal, since I'd spent so much time over the last week running away from and fighting beasts bigger than I was.

"Maybe this training was better thought out than I first anticipated." I mused. Were Phil's increasingly ridiculous training sessions far deeper and meaningful than I had assumed? Beneath his outwards appearance of a short, balding middle-aged man still living with his mum … did a training genius actually lie beneath?

"Enough mumbling!" Phil bellowed. "We need to get a move on! That tournament starts in two hours, and you need to be there on time or I don't get any of the money I'll be suckering you out of!"

" _On reflection, no. Coach Phil really is as dumb and shallow as he initially looks."_ At this point though, my thoughts on him were more irritable than murder inducing. A guy can only throw you off a mountain (And at the mountain lion) so many times before you become numb to the entire situation.

"I just need to gear up first." I told him. "Now, shoo, shoo. I'm changing."

Had to look my best after all. Looking the part is half the job, and if I didn't think that I looked like someone capable of winning a fighting tournament, then I would never succeed.

Piece by piece I put on my outfit on (Making sure to throw some food scraps outside for Cuddles to eat and slamming the door on it so it wouldn't be near me in my state of undress), and readied myself mentally for the rest of the day. A set of light grey trousers went on first, then the second-hand combat boots Phil had gone out and _procured_ for me from somewhere. Then came the navy blue, long sleeved shirt I'd gotten with the small monetary fund's Verte and Horace had left in the supplies they gave me. To complete my fighting attire, I took the thick red strip of cloth Phil had left and tied my hair back in a ponytail (To keep it out of my way when fighting).

Looking myself over in the wall mounted mirror, I saw the same stranger I'd been glancing at ever since I was dropped into this world. However, there was something different about her. Maybe the way she carried herself? A certain level of confidence and familiarity that can only come with being able to dance around a bloodthirsty panda for an hour. She looked… strong.

" _Samantha D Clarke definitely looks ready for a fight, even if the_ Samuel Clarke _within does not. This is the moment of truth, though. If I can't succeed here then I sure as hell don't deserve to go to the Grand Line. Either I win the tournament today, or my dreams of joining up with the Straw Hat Pirates will die along with Phil's hopes of being able to afford to eat anything but rice for the near foreseeable future."_

I couldn't delay any longer. Here and now, I was ready. If I waited around any longer then the only thing I would gain would be doubts.

"Come on, let's go." I told Phil as I left the room and practically sprinted past him out of the house and onto the main street (Mainly to put some distance between me and Cuddles). Ahead of me the streets were crowded and bustling as people rushed towards the stone structure in the distance that was the arena. "The 43rd World Fighters Tournament Awaits."

 **AN- Well, that was fun. Writing Coach Phil was a joy. He wasn't the Personal Coach Sam wanted… but he's the one that he deserved. No- that's not it. He wasn't the trainer that Sam deserved, but he was the one his city wanted? I dunno. Something like that. Either way, that nutjob definitely fit the tone of this thing.**

 **Other things to note about this chapter? The Devil Fruit. I'm sure I'll reveal more about it in story, but Sam was definitely correct when he identified it as the Hold-Hold Fruit. Its basic capabilities let him maintain body contact with anything he is touching (Ignoring a layer of clothing in the process), and 'hold' items within his own body. He can't Absorb and fire shit at the same time, and there is a 'non-living thing only' clause at play when he tries to absorb stuff. It should also be noted that while he may be able to Hold anything, that doesn't necessarily mean Sam can** _ **carry**_ **it.**

 **Then there is Cuddles. Because really- it can't be a One Piece Self Insert story nowadays without a Hip Animal Companion tagging along. Now, since this whole fics purpose is to ridicule these standards and tropes and have the whole thing go as colossally wrong as possible, it totally made sense to give Sam an Animal Companion too. Shame that the animal in question belongs to the one species of creatures Sam hates above all others, because despite having the personality and behavioural patterns of an affectionate puppy,** _ **Sam will never grow to like or escape their tag along**_ **.**

 **Next chapter the actual tournament will start. Place your bets: will Sam flounder, or prosper? And just who do you think will show up? Undying Soul out.**


	6. Did Someone Say Tournament Arc?

**Chapter 6: Did Someone Say Tournament Arc?**

 **AN- TOURNAMENT ARC! TOURNAMENT ARC! TOURNAMENT ARC!**

… **no, I won't shut up.** _ **You**_ **shut up.**

 **Disclaimer: I own basically nothing but the shirt off my own back, and even then it's doubtful due to the hold One Piece has upon my soul and my wallet.**

The Chinese style arena stood tall and proud- a perfect location for the day's festivities. I was stood in the centre- a massive indentation in the ground, with tall walls surrounding the perimeter of the fighting ring, which led up to the stands. Stones pews had been carved into the arena itself, and gradually climbed up to the very top of the arena. Just with a casual look, I couldn't see any free seats; the tourists had arrived by the droves, and were anxious for blood and violence. _"I hope I don't get much of the former."_

" _ **Welcome, one and all, to the 43**_ _ **rd**_ _ **World Fighters Tournament! No Weapons! Melee Only! FINAL DESTINATION!"**_ The first announcer bellowed at the top of his lungs from his place in the stands upon a specially raised platform. His voice was projected all throughout the arena by peppy Transponder Snails, and was so loud that it even drowned out the rumbustious cheering of the crowd.

" _ **I'm Zoom and this is Boombox, and we're here today to study these fighter's skills, talents and sheer combat ability-"**_

" _ **To see which one of them would win in a DEATH BATTLE!"**_ The second announcer butted in, roaring with enough enthusiasm to incite bloodlust by the thousands.

" _ **Boombox, you know they outlawed fights to the death back in the 12**_ _ **th**_ _ **Tournament."**_ Chided Zoom, sighing as if he _always_ had to say those words. _**"Kind of hard for the crowds to have fan favourites when everybody kept dying after they lost a single match."**_

" _ **Ahhh shucks! Here I was hoping for BLOOD! Anyone else up for that!?"**_

"BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!" Many voices in the crowd cheered, much to my worry.

" _ **But since**_ **Zoom** _ **over here has to be a killjoy, I guess we'll just settle for watching a bunch of fighters… KICK THE SHIT OUT EACH OTHER!"**_ Say what you will of the bloodthirsty announcer, he could certainly rile up a crowd.

" _ **Let's meet today's Combatants! We'll surely get to know them more as the tournament progresses, but here are the basic introductions!"**_ And thus began the introductions, as each person was introduced by name, background and sometimes even title. I looked over them all as they stepped forwards and took in the shouts of the crowds- these would be the obstacles I would need to overcome, after all.

" _ **Firstly, we have Mercedes! born to a warrior sect in Aztecra!"**_ A tanned man stepped forwards, though Boombox moved on quickly- eager to get announcements out the way.

" _ **Then there's the man built like a wall! Joe. K Brick!"**_ Joe himself was a short yet thick man with an overall rectangular shape scheme. Silly looking- but those muscles were thick.

" _ **Contestant Numero… umm... Threeo! Rotten Robin!"**_

"I'M HERE TO BE NUMBER ONE!" He screamed out with a maniacal laugh- his gangly form curving as he bent over backwards. The contestant next to him smacked him on the back of the head for interrupting.

" _ **Give a warm welcome to… Kanji! The thug with a heart of gold!"**_ The one responsible for giving Robin a good smack turned out to be this 'thug'. I was definitely getting Persona vibes from that one.

" _ **And don't forget about THIS one! One of the four fighters allowed to skip the preliminaries! Ryunosuke the Wanderer! This guy is a frickin' beast!"**_ With one look, I knew the only thing that mattered. He was literally just Street Fighters Ryu. IROB wasn't even trying at this point.

" _ **Speaking of those four… here comes the second. Bear Grills!"**_

" _Oh my god."_ I blinked in surprise. Because as far as competitors goes, this was an opponent I wasn't expecting, yet would also be one I would do surprisingly well against.

" _ **Yup. He's basically just a bear. And no, we don't know how he got this far either."**_ Zoom continued.

Said Bear snarled in confusion at what he was doing here in an arena surrounded by people, but his tamer did a good job of keeping him under control… up until the Bear _spat fire at him_. _ **"But hey! He's a FIRE BREATHING BEAR! ENOUGH SAID."**_ Boombox countered.

Still, this is One Piece. The silly moves on quickly, and already the literal bear in the room was being ignored. _**"Anyway… back to the roster. Give a roar for Capote! This is the third time he's entered. Mayhaps this time he'll get past the second round."**_ The Fishman certainly looked put out by the description. Still, at least this meant he wasn't particularly strong.

" _ **... damn!"**_ Boombox continued. _**"We're only at number seven out of sixteen. Fuck it! I'm speeding this up!"**_

" _ **Boombox!"**_ Warned Zoom.

" _ **LIGHTNING ROUND! We got's Snarky the Dwarf, estranged from his siblings! The Underpayer- the worst kind of Boss! Strangah Dangah- keep your kids away from this 'un, I'd say! Sun Bring Louis Anderson- Marines represent! Oh! We also have - the psychotic brawler! Them we have the star of many a martial arts performances- the Kickass Jaqueline Chang! And-"**_

" _ **That's enough Boombox!"**_ Zoom warned, interrupting the rapid fast introductions. _**"Like really! This is both disrespectful to the fighters and terrible for the viewers! After all, where is the drama? Where is the build up? The rivalries and the stories? The fans want a narrative! And Boombox, where is the narrative?"**_

" _ **I dunno. Wherever the fuck the author dropped it. Don't care. I WANNA SEE TEETH FLY!"**_

" _ **And I want to see this handled properly. Give me your mic. I'm revoking your speaking privileges until the matches begin."**_

" _ **Aww shucks! Get it if you-"**_ A brief sound of scuffling from the commentators, as well as a bunch of thuds which I was sure was the microphone being mishandled.

" _ **... and we're back to our scheduled broadcast."**_ Zoom remarked, slightly out of breath. _**"Let us introduce our 14th competitor. Maribelle Edelfelt, the heiress hailing from her native home of Shironia."**_ Now that we weren't going a mile a minute, I actually had the chance to see the woman in question- a blonde with long ringlets, a put out look and a long flowing dress that looked so unsuitable for violence.

" _ **And now, our second to last fighter. We all know him from his splendid victor last year. Round of applause for the third shortlisted fighter. Jerry the Boxing King, hailing from this very island!"**_

I blinked at the man who stepped forwards to bask in the applause of the crowd- because it was a very long, single step. Out of all the fighters he was actually the most noticeable to me. Because firstly, he was really fucking tall. Like, I've seen tall people, and this guy puts them to shame. His legs alone were longer than I was. Secondly, he was introduced as the previous year's champion. Thirdly, _that he was a canonical character_.

" _Jerry… pretty sure he showed up in the Enies Lobby Arc as one of the mini bosses, and was taken down pretty easily by Sanji. On the one hand, he's a champion, so likely competent. On the other… he's a joke character."_

Any further musings were cut short though, as the moment I'd been dreading had appeared. I had been left for last for some reason, and my introduction immediately snapped my thoughts to the words of Zoom. _**"And then to end off our roster, we have the final invitee: the mysterious dark horse- Samantha D Clarke!"**_ I got far less claps than the other more famous fighters, and even got a few confused whispers. _**"Offered a place at the last minute, who knows what her skills are?"**_

" _ **Don'tcha mean, 'wonder how many**_ **sausage-rolls** _ **she had to sample to buy a place here'?"**_ Boombox interrupted, prompting a bunch of "ooohhhs!" and "burns!" from the crowd at the savage put down I had been given. He'd apparently managed to somehow pry his mic back from Zoom to inflict that sick burn down upon me, so I had to at least give him props for stubbornness. Didn't mean that I didn't want to ram my fist down his throat because _that fucking asshole_ was accusing me of _sleeping with the director to get here_. And yes, I kinda DID do that (At least in the sense that I didn't honestly get invited here), but fuck that guy, even so. _**"Heh! I'm BOOMBOX! I CANNOT BE SILENCED!"**_

" _ **Boombox…"**_ Zoom groaned. _**"You're the worst! And how the hell did you get back the mic?"**_

" _ **It's because I'm**_ **BOOMBOX** _ **."**_ Was his only response. It answered nothing, and yet answered so much too.

" _ **... anyway. Moving on from the impossible feat of you sneaking the mic back, let's move onto your inappropriate humour. What has the network said?"**_

" _ **That children're watching… and that dick jokes are a step too far?"**_

" _ **Exactly! No more dick jokes!"**_ It didn't matter though. The idea had been planted now, and all the street-cred I gained via my 'mysterious' status went up in smoke. I'd been left for last, and I was now a laughing stock.

The only saving grace was that my foes might underestimate me. But that wasn't much of a silver lining- nobody likes to be looked down upon, and egos bruise easily.

" _ **Anyway! Let's move onto what we're all here for! TO SEE SOME ACTION!"**_ Boombox roared. _**"BRING ON THE CHOPSTICKS OF DESTINY!"**_

An attractive, scantily clad bikini model trotted into the centre of the ring, and held up a massive handful of wooden sticks, clasped tightly in her hands so none could see the bottom of them.

" _ **Fighters will draw lots to see who they will be facing for the first round!"**_

One by one, we stepped forwards to claim our sticks. My own, once pulled out, had the number 3 on it. Looked like I would be one of the first to fight, and that for the most part I didn't need to worry about the second bracket of fighters at all- not until I reached the final to face the strongest foe from that side.

Then, a chalkboard was rolled over from one side, and the necessary names were added to the diagram placed there to show the scheduled matches, before it was rolled off to one side. Things quickly moved on, and everybody prepared for what we were actually here for- the fighting.

" _ **Now, without further ado, it's time to kickstart this tournament! For our first fight, we have numbers 1 and 2! Introducing the Elegant Lady herself, Maribelle Edelfelt!"**_ The woman in question stepped forwards, revealing a woman of about my stature, who screamed 'Victorian Lady'. Long, puffy, blue dress, with a silly hat adorned with frills and elbow length black gloves. She huffed aloofly, and posed for the crowd.

" _ **And her opponent will be the Masked Dugong known only by his stage name! The Underpayer!"**_ The fighter stepped forwards… to reveal a motherfucking Kung Fu Dugong dressed like an average office worker (Grey suit, polished black shoes and a tie with holes cut across it serving as his mask).

" _ **We could waste time here breaking down their techniques, abilities and talents… but that would be BORING! FUCK IT! START THE BATTLE!**_ **MARIBELLE VS OVERSEER… GOGOGO!** _ **"**_

And then the fight was on, and I was left dazzled. This was my first time seeing true One Piece level fighters in action, and in many ways it left me in awe. Kidd had been a good example of how bullshit Devil Fruit users could be and just how far I needed to go, but our fight had consisted mostly of 'spam projectiles and sometimes try to punch each other'. This, meanwhile, was a battle of skill far more in line with what Sanji and Zoro would get up to. The fighters were tough as nails, clearly knew what they were doing, and it showed.

The Underpayer was the physical superior of the two, despite his diminutive stature. His kicks were cracking the concrete where he struck, and his punches were swift enough to cause small blasts of air to roll forwards when he missed. He supplemented his pure strength with a style that took cues from WWE, and was both ruthless _and_ stylish.

However, it was Maribelle who was dominating the bout. Her agility was unreal, and she sped across the battlefield like a tempest, raining down kicks and knee jabs with such ferocity and speed that I would have been unable to even see her move if I wasn't used to the deceptive agility of the animals dwelling within the forests of Karate Island. Even as she fought though, she maintained the ability to present a calm and lady-like demeanour. Not once did I see more than her knees as a result of her kicks- she was somehow an _anti-Fanservice Girl_ , capable of NOT having her clothes torn to shreds across the course of a battle.

Still- while I was joking about her, it was only to hide the growing panic I was experiencing. She was _good_. Damn good. Fast and nimble, her acrobatic abilities let her _cartwheel about the battle_ (Again, without a single panty shot). So yeah- I was certainly terrified of having to go up against her.

And I _would_ have to go up against her, if I won, since she was finally able to pin down her smaller foe and drive her foot down upon him with the force of a jackhammer. The Underpayer wasn't getting up again.

" _ **The Deceptively Deadly Ojou-Sama finishes it off with a crushing curbstomp! That has got to hurt!"**_

" _ **Yup! Have to admit it though, I was more worried about asking for Liliana's Transponder number than about how hurt the chipmunk is!"**_

" _ **Dude. Just… she will literally**_ **crush you** _ **the moment you speak to her, since you're such a rude jerk and all!"**_

I could almost hear Boombox nodding in comprehension. _**"True. I**_ **do** _ **have good tastes though. Nothing hotter than a woman who kick a guy 47 times a minute without breaking a sweat!"**_

" _ **Moving on from your… fighter's**_ **analysis** _ **… let's move onto the second match of the day!"**_

" _ **Hell yeah! Fight numero two-oh."**_ Boombox began, _**"We have the Sausage Eater, Samantha D Clarke!"**_

"Fuck you too!" I shouted, wondering if Zoom would thank me for murdering their partner.

" _ **Boombox…"**_ Zoom warned.

" _ **What!? Not like we have a better title for her!"**_

The less-likely-to-be-killed-at-a-later-date announcer cleared his first. _**"We have Samantha D Clarke,**_ **THE MYSTERIOUS CHALLENGER.** _ **"**_ Again, the audience's response was more mocking and aloof than supportive.

" _ **And her enemy will be the Deadly Steel of Azteca! The almighty Mercedes!"**_ My opponent stood forward and glared at me distastefully. I complied, and glared back with unspoken contempt. Who did he think he was, showing off his tanned, muscular body by wearing an open vest and drawing attention to his godly chiselled torso, and looking down on anyone that didn't have hair as long as his silver, supermodel level locks!?

" _ **So, who'll win? Will Samantha turn out to have a better bite than her blow and surpass the badass pillar of badass-ness? Or will Mercedes overcome… ummm… her strength? I guess? Or something. I dunno! BUT I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT! FIGHT START!"**_

"Hmmph!" Mercedes scoffed, turning his back to me disdainfully. "To think the quality of fighters has fallen to such a degree that I, the almighty Mercedes, must whet his battle appetite upon a… upon a…"

"A harlot?" I offered, smiling through my teeth so my Pissed Off-ness was clearly visible behind my light mask of politeness.

"Yes!" He nodded, then brandished his pointing finger at me. "This _harlot!_ "

"Are you gonna fight me, or keep slagging me off, you alpha bitch?" I asked, crossing my arms sassily and raising an eyebrow.

"Very well! I, the great Mercedes, will deem you worthy of my attention." However, he didn't look back to me, instead continuing to stare out into the crowd while he brandished his pectorals like they were national treasures.

" _That's quite rude of him… let's get a little closer."_ I allowed the smallest of smirks to grace my features while I slowly shuffled forwards.

"Let us put on a show for this mundane audience! Awaken! My Musicians!" From the stands, as if they had been awaiting this line, seven men sprang up, each with an accompanying musical instrument, and began to play… a surprisingly swaggy piece of soundtrack.

 **Pillar Men Theme!**

"… _oh shit. This is a mother fucking JoJo reference, isn't it? This guy is posing more than an action figure, his hair is fabulous enough to make_ me _jealous, and his musicians are playing_ the mother fucking Pillar Man Theme! _"_

Quite frankly, I didn't even mind this. JoJo was cool, and sure, I knew IROB was screwing with me by inserting such blatant references into my life, but I could live with that. Hell, I didn't have a problem with the fighter calling upon a band to play for him either. it wasn't that out of place for someone to literally hire people to play middle-eastern fight-song music whenever they battled, even in a universe like One Piece. Sure, it was silly, but I could accept the silly.

No- I think what was bugging me wasn't his JoJo-ness, or his music, nor his inability to make his body postures apply to the rules of physics. No. It was his sheer _disrespect_ towards me that pissed me off. Even now, he was treating me like a joke… and _that_ I could not accept.

Finally, he turned around to continue his speech… only to find my fist ploughing into his face as hard as I could fucking throw a punch. His expression was shocked- almost comically exaggerated as my fist burrowed into his cheek- then the full force of my swing was delivered, and he was sent stumbling back. I stepped into his guard and followed through with a short kick to the torso- taking advantage of his posing to strike him while he was in no stance able to properly defend against my attack.

It was an underhand move- borderline Dick Move. But damn it- "Who the hell said talking was a Free Action!?" I roared, then rushed forwards to press my advantage while I still could. I might have been inexperienced, and I may not have deserved a place on this stage- but at the very least I deserved the benefit of the doubt to prove them wrong- to prove I wasn't a joke.

And I had definitely earned a reaction from Mercedes; he began to actually fight back. Even while being off-guard and staggered, he was able to slide into a position to deflect my next elbow jab and push himself away to create some distance.

"H-how!? How is this possible!?" Mercedes gasped audibly, while a hand went to his face. When he felt blood coming out of his mouth from when I struck him, his gaze darkened as he exploded. "HOW DARE YOU MARK MY PERFECT FACE! It was aesthetically unmatched! Beyond that of any mortal man! And you bloodied it!"

His muscles strained, and his poses became even more intense- as if his anger was bleeding through into his body language. "For this atrocity, I shall now no longer hold back, wench! Prepare yourself for a world of-"

Suckerpunch to the stomach! Once again, I struck in the middle of his monologue, knocking the wind right out of him, before following through with a horizontal strike to the other side of his face. _"Hey, if he's gonna leave the same opening for me to take advantage of, I really can't be blamed for doing it, can I?"_

" _ **AND IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF DISRESPECT, MYSTERIOUS FIGHTER SAMANTHA ONCE AGAIN ATTACKS MERCEDES WITH A RUTHLESS STRIKE!"**_

" _ **Poor Mercedes!"**_ Boombox actually… sniffed miserably… at this. _**"Only a heartless woman could strike a man while he performs his given right to monologue and deal out pre-fight banter! Surely there are rules against this, Zoom!?"**_

" _ **Afraid not, Boombox! That rule was abolished in the 37**_ _ **th**_ _ **Tournament after the grandstanding match between Daniel Habuki and Mr Staan lasted 89 minutes!"**_

" _ **Drats! Here's hoping Mercedes has a comeback though! That gal is asking to be taught some manners!"**_

"… _great. Even the commentators are hoping for my failure. I mean, is it really that unforgivable for me to flaunt shonen tradition and take a cheap shot like that?"_ Okay… in hindsight it probably is in a setting like One Piece, and within a formal competition set in such a world.

"I deserved that." Mercedes finally spoke, spitting out a bloody tooth. "Yes, after your first attack I should have anticipated that you were a dishonourable cur! For the sanctity of this competition, I will now face you will all my attention, and all my strength!"

Mercedes stance was different now- more serious. Still a bit silly, but functional. I now knew that cheap shots wouldn't be allowed. The fight had truly begun!

The bronze man raced forwards, and a deadly chase ensued as I dodged punch after punch, kick after kick, and everything in-between. I had the manoeuvrability advantage: I was smaller and faster, while due to my training I could practically weave between his moves. Mercedes has the _mobility_ advantage, though. His experience far surpassed me, and the battlefield was his. He moved about it effortlessly, herding me between strikes while I could barely dodge- planning my overall motion was impossible since I was acting on instinct.

"Now!" Mercedes announced, and I gained a sudden feeling of dread. I lunged away, hoping to escape my dread, but it was too late- the trap was sprung. From the ground, thin metal erupted and shot upwards- climbing my body like vines and clinging tightly to my body. Almost instinctively, my power activated and I started to absorb it, but the wire covered my whole body and I could only absorb part of it at a time, and the wire kept on coming.

Then, Mercedes raced forwards and for the first time this fight he had been given the chance to land a safe, clean shot on me.

" _This is gonna hurt."_ Some part of me thought, then his knee smashed into me and I couldn't breathe. The world ran in slow motion, and I saw spittle erupt from my mouth when he connected. It hurt. It hurt like a bitch. Not like a knife wound, but pretty damn bad. And it had come so suddenly I had barely been given time to think.

" _But how!? How did this happen!?"_ Then I saw. It was Mercedes _hair_. It wasn't just dyed silver- there was metal string woven through it, that he presumably controlled and extended somehow. Looking down, I saw lines in the dust of the floor. He'd set a trap, weaving his threads less than an inch below the surface of the ground so only the natural dirt and dust covered it, then when it was laid enough he moved me into position and sprung the trap.

I was helpless, winded, and there was no way in time to escape the deliberating follow through that I knew was coming.

There- I saw it. His fist was closing in, the music was swelling to a crescendo, and Mercedes was snarling. "This is it, _you sneaky woman!_ "

But then, just before he connected…

 **TWEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!** The sound of a whistle being blown. I looked to the side, and saw a typical football referee clad in shorts and brandishing a red card.

"YOUUUU'RE OUT!"

The first stopped inches before impact.

"Wh-what?"

"Didn'tcha hear? YOU'RE OUT!"

"Bu-but what!?" Mercedes was befuddled, and so was the audience. Even the musicians had stopped- with the squeaking sound of a record being cut short. "What do you mean!? I'm out? As in… disqualified?"

"Ayup!" He nodded resolutely. "Ya know the rules! No Weapons! Melee Only! Final Destination! No! _Weapons!_ "

" _ **In a stunning conclusion, it seems that Samantha has won… by virtue of Mercedes being disqualified due to illegal weaponry!"**_

" _ **Wait. WHAT!?"**_ Boombox was confused, and he was enraged. _**"What the fuck, Zoom!?"**_

" _ **LANGUAGE. PG!"**_

" _ **JEEZ!"**_ Eyeroll is obvious. _**"Okay. WHAT THE *%$£ ZOOM!?"**_ You've just gotta _love_ the censorship button on a Transponder Snail. _ **"Disqualified!? For the hair thing!? Surely not! That ain't a weapon! Not like a shotgun is… and what a mighty fine weapon one of 'em is! A-anyway! Surely there are allowances for this shit?"**_

" _ **Nope. Sorry, Boombox. The 23**_ _ **rd**_ _ **Amendment allows 'Devil Fruit abilities and other miscellaneous powers' to be used so long as they only reinforce physical capabilities or comprise a role in the fighting style of the combatant. Had the metal wire he used been produced by a power he might have gotten away with it, but they are clearly external hair extensions!"**_

"They are _Battle Accessories!_ " Hissed Mercedes while he ground his teeth in anger.

" _ **Though to be honest, since Mercedes used the wires to entrap his opponent from afar, that would likely disqualify him too due to the whole 'melee only' thing too."**_

" _ **Pfooty!"**_ Boomstick pouted. _**"Well, you heard it straight from the Rules Lawyer's mouth! Mercedes is…**_ **disqualified** _ **. Meanwhile, Suckerpunch Gal goes through to the next round! Here's hoping her next opponent fares better against her …**_ **fucking anti-climax."** he concluded, as if it were an afterthought.

"You _can_ release me now." I told Mercedes now that my breath was back. He hmphed and released me, gave a final lingering look to me, then stormed off without another word. With him I saw his background musicians get up, carrying their instruments away gently, and leave via the back exits to chase after their pay-check. I was just glad to see him gone.

" _Well. I won. Somehow. One down… three matches left to go, I guess."_ And with that, I wandered back to my seat to rest and prepare for the next battle.

XXXXXXXXXX

It had taken me awhile, but I think I'd managed to come up with a gameplan while the rest of the fights continued. I couldn't say that I had paid much attention to the rest of the matches- I was far too focused on my next fight. Though, there had been one or two moments that had struck out. Joe. K Brick was booted for pulling his Chekhovs Gun attack out against his opponent, Jaqueline, while Bear Grills gave no shit for rules and earned himself a disqualification after setting Kanji on fire.

Because he was a _bear_. I don't know why anybody actually expected him to do anything but maul and/or melt a guy.

Anyhow, I'd racked my brains, looking for _something_ to give me the edge in my next match. I sure as hell could not beat Maribelle Edelfelt in a straight fight- I was certain that even pre-Grand Line _Sanji_ would have had difficulty keeping up with this lady's legs (Were he to get over his aversion to kicking feminine derriere).

I wasn't quite sure who said it (Pretty sure it was that Sun Tzu guy), but someone once declared "Victory is decided before the battle begins". When I asked myself how to defeat a powerful Lady like her, in the end I had found only one answer.

Was it effective? Hell Yes!

Was it honourable? Hell No!

" _But do I want to fight or to_ win _?"_ Dumb question to consider, as the answer was obvious.

" _ **The break is now over! With all the Round One matches over, we enter into Round Two!"**_ Zoom hollered.

" _ **Eight fighters left. Four battles! Time for the next battle!"**_ Boombox continued enthusiastically.

" _ **First up in bracket A, we have the Mistress of Kick Ass! Maribelle Edelfelt herself, from the republic of Shironia!"**_ Maribelle took to the stage, and curtsied elegantly with a confident smile.

" _ **Then, we got this chick."**_ Clearly, that was the nicest Boombox was willing to go for me since he'd kept getting shit from the 'network' due to his manner. _**"She's pretty decent, I guess. Anticlimax Samantha enters the fray."**_

" _Better than last time, I suppose."_ Either way, I too stepped forwards to nod my head, acknowledging the audience.

" _ **No weapons! Melee only! Final Destination! NO ANTICLIMAXES! Aaaaannnd…. BEGIN!"**_

 **Guilty Gear Big Blast Sonic**

Maribelle had clearly learnt the lesson her predecessor had not- she offered no witty banter and no catty dialogue. No grandstanding either. Instead, she came at me like a wrecking ball… and wrecked shit. This was a fight, not a discussion, and she was here to beat me black and blue.

The first kick was dodged, the second blocked, but the third nailed me right in the shoulder. I lashed out with my own punch, but she took to the air- pouncing up in a dodge, spinning in mid-air to deliver a crushing blow from below.

Even as I toppled backwards, rolling across the floor several times merely to clear some space, the only thought that came to mind was _"Huh. I should ask her how she avoids dem Panty Shots. REALLY impressive."_

Then, there was no more time to think- only to react- as even more blows whooshed towards me, so fast that only my vast reflexes kept me from getting a heel to the face. Speed was my biggest advantage, and I was vastly surpassed by her in that regard. I had no breathing room- only a missy in a Victorian dress raining death on from me above and below as she swapped between low and high kicks like a kid first realising the up and down button actually exists in a Fighting Game.

" _Fuck! I can't keep up! Not even ten seconds have passed, and I'm already being pushed back and whittled down. Fuck it. Fuck my pride. Looks like it's time to Get Serious."_

I REALLY hated having to resort to this, but… I NEEDED this win.

When Maribelle dashed at me for her next attack, I stood still, waiting patiently. The aim of the game now wasn't for me to outspeed her or pierce her defences. No. All I needed was for her to get close enough to me for me to act, and enough of an opportunity for me to act.

"Hyaaa!" she cried daintily. In an amazing feat of flexibility she leapt up. One leg raised… and then it plummeted like she had an axehead attached to her dropkick.

I dropped to one leg for support and raised one arm. The dropkick reached me, and I blocked. The pain was immense, and I could already feel the bruises forming. Had I got the angle wrong here, I was certain my arm would have broken.

Even so- for that moment she was stuck in place- her leg locked in place due to the delay of her attack. And thus, I struck.

" **Strip Strike**!" I lunged out like quicksilver, and snatched at the deep folds of the dress. It was so easy to grab it- there was oh so much of it. And when my fingers reached the soft material…

… I absorbed it. I Held on tight, opened up the rippling Field upon my palms, and tore the dress straight into my Hammer Space with only minimal resistance.

Within a moment, Maribelle noticed the sudden absence of dress, and looked down. She screeched. Because her dress was entirely gone- and she was reduced to her petticoat and undergarments.

" _I am_ so sorry _for this."_ And I _really_ was. No woman deserved this. Having her clothes stolen and her dignity taken advantage of.

Still I allowed none of my real thoughts or emotions to slip onto my face. The smirk came easily to my lips, and I placed the dirtiest and most suggestive mask upon my face as I could. "Hehehe. I'll give you one chance, Madame Edelfelt. Forfeit."

"Y-you swine!" She cried, stumbling away, literal tears in her eyes. "You dirty, perverted girl! H-how dare you strip me bare before these common monkeys!"

Even as she said this, the audience was already reacting. The men were out of their seats, roaring and banging their chests like gorillas at the sight, while all the women gave me the Darkest Glare imaginable. Now, I had made myself a friend of all of mankind… and an enemy of all womankind.

"Forfeit!" I repeated, lunging forwards while she was still reeling in shock to remove her petticoat- leaving only the lacy unmentionables to protect her modesty.

"Waaghh!" She wailed, stumbling further away from me.

"I told you! Forfeit!" for this was my only chance. I couldn't win in a fair fight, so I had to make it an unfair one. And what better way to do that than threaten a modest and uptight noble lady with stripping her nude?

"Why I ought to beat some manners into you, you… you bitch!" she finally snarled, her indignation starting to overcome her shame. Her face was beetroot and… was that steam coming from her ears? Were her tears _evaporating_ due to the sheer force of her rage?

"You could try." I Smiled, and cupped my hands before my face- doing the universal gesture for all gropers everywhere. "However, if this fight continues… well, in the words of a certain Tristan Timothy Taylor: 'I'm gonna touch your boobs!'."

" _Why!?_ " She sobbed, in abject confusion and despair at how I, an apparent figure of the same gender as her, could do such a thing.

The crowd went nuts.

" _ **Oh my! What is this!? A blackmail manoeuvre executed via close-ranged Devil Fruit utilisation, taking advantage of the fears of all females everywhere and forcing a premature ending? Never in all my years of commentating have I seen such a display of unsportsmanly behaviour!?"**_ Zoom sounded horrified, but also a little bit happy at the result?

" _ **Who am I kidding!? Sure, as a**_ **commentator** _ **this is the worst way I've ever seen someone bag a win. But as a**_ **man** _ **? Well, I have one thing to say: 'SHINE ON, YOU MAGNIFICENT WOMAN'!"**_

"WE ALL LOVE YOU!" the men of the audience declared, almost reverent at the inherent perversion one could commit with my Devil Fruit.

" _Yes. I have won the love and admiration of a gender… and the hatred of another. Only one thing left to do."_

"Behold, the fruits of my combat style! No-Garment Style!" I announced triumphantly, towards my shaken and defeated opponent. Speaking of her… right now she was curled up in a tight ball, trying to preserve her dignity and rolling backwards and forwards.

"IsubmitIsubmitIsubmitIsubmitIsubmitIsubmit!"

" _ **And this, without further fanfare, the victor of this fight is the merciless Samantha, who crushed her foes hopes of winning along with all her own self-respect!"**_ Declared the voice of Zoom. _**"Truly, she is…"**_

" _ **...a Devil!"**_ Boombox finished his peers sentence, before pressing on. _ **"In fact, I'd argue she was a**_ **Demon Stripper** _ **!"**_ the perverted looking Transponder finished, almost smugly.

"De~mon Strip~per! De~mon Strip~per! De~mon Strip~per!" Half the crowd cheered, echoing the newly announced and technically accurate title.

I sighed, and released the dress I had stolen. The act of ripping it off Maribelle had made it completely unwearable, but it was mostly in one piece, so I gave my opponent the only mercy I could and dropped it upon her Broken form. _"I swear to God that if that becomes my epithet…"_

 **AN- well, that was fun. Apologies for the long wait for this thing. The first draft was actually done a while back, but then I really started to hate it and tried to rewrite it to include more canon characters, but I just couldn't make it work. So I sat around for awhile, got distracted, tried NanoWrimo (And promptly gave up due to the stress in my life), and then decided to go "Fuck it. Release the imperfect result, because at least it'll arrive quicker than the Winds of Winter".**

 **Now, onto the content itself. This Arc is a treasure trove of various references and puns, so I challenge you to go back and take a look at all the fighter introductions for some fun shout outs. Boombox and Zoom are blatant rip offs of Whiz and Boomstick from Death Battle, but I honestly couldn't see anyone else better suited for the job.**

 **Onto the first fight- Mercedes is a shameless JoJo Part 2 reference. He wasn't the meme you were looking for, but he was the one you've got.**

 **Second fight is a little less of a direct reference. She's your classical Ojou-Sama type character, so originally she had an original name that vaguely referenced some lesser Fate characters. But just to make sure the reference was clearer and closer to the actual character (And to make up for the lack of many canonical fighters, because come on, _what would any of them be doing in West Blue?_ The best fighters have no reason to prove their worth in a tourney), I changed the name. Maribelle comes from Fire Emblem (And shares her general personality), but has the close quarters capability of the Nasuverse Edelfelt family.**

 **So yeah- as a reward for your patience, Chapter 7 will be uploaded next Saturday, so look forwards to the conclusion to this Arc. Two fights left… I hope you enjoy them. Undying Soul out.**


	7. TOURNAMENT ARC!

**Chapter 7: TOURNAMENT ARC!**

 **AN- And now it's time for the stunning conclusion of Man/Woman/Confused!Person VS His-Own-Inadequacies-And-Absence-Of-Proper-Training.**

 **Disclaimer: I own sweet naff all. One Piece is the cash cow of Oda- may his reign as our anime overlord be as long and prosperous as the actual freakin' show will probably end up being.**

Miraculously, I had accomplished it. I'd gotten to the semi-finals. I was _somehow_ one of the top 4 competitors in this entire competition (Mostly due to the almighty power of Rules Lawyers and blatant blackmail, but enough about that). Now it was just a simple matter of winning my final two fights.

I had no delusions on just how difficult such a feat would be.

For the semi's, I was scheduled to be the first one up to fight, and I was largely panicking due to this. I hadn't paid much attention to the other brackets matches, largely focusing on the more imminent threats I needed to overcome, and now I was paying for it. Luckily, Phil had foreseen this and had managed to wade his way through the crowds until he was close enough to my own seat for his screams to be heard.

"Kiddo, you're almost there!" he yelled with an encouraging fist shake. "Man, it was a pretty close one in your first match, and while I personally enjoyed your performance in the second, you ain't made any friends! I think the only person almost as hated as you was that Rotten fellow, after his ill-fated match with Strangah. Still, what a match! Shame he lost the one after…" Phil trailed off a little, perhaps imagining a world where Rotten Robin had managed to survive beyond the second round.

"A-anyway," Phil managed to coax his short attention span back on track. "next match you're dealing with a guy called Louis Anderson! He's a Marine Captain and is a real freakin' tank! Like, if muscles could grow biceps, that's what his torso looks like!"

"Lovely." I commented, rolling my eyes at the image.

"Eh- don't take him lightly. He's a _fighter_. A formidable one. If he gets a good, clean hit in then bones _will_ break. I sure as hell wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alleyway. Though to be fair, he's the kinda guy I'd rather not meet anyway. Let's be honest here- when you hit a certain power level, you automatically become a weirdo."

"Wow. I feel so reassured. Any _actual_ advice?"

"Hmmm…" Phil seemed deep in thought, but eventually 'ahah!'-ed after reaching a relevant conclusion. "You're faster! He's tough but slow, and you're smaller and far nimbler. Save your strength, and hit him where it hurts. Also, try not to look at him directly. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later!"

With his advice given, Phil waded back into the thick mass of crowds, apparently looking for the greasiest snack he could purchase in the vicinity. And so, I was left to my thoughts and my planning.

However, time passed by quickly, and the light break that we'd been given didn't last nearly long enough for my liking. Before I knew it, the announcers had taken their place it kickstart the third round of the tournament- the semi-finals.

" _ **Now that our fighters have had a brief rest, it's time for the fights to continue. Who will take the title home? Well, stay tuned and we'll see, because the first semi-final match… begins now!"**_ Zoom's words prompted a great cheer to sweep through the arena, and the yells of the spectators almost met the rapid beating of my heart.

I stood up, and didn't even need the prompt- it was time for me to fight.

" _ **Now welcoming the newest heroine of the Arena, the amazing Demon Stripper herself, Samantha D Clarke!"**_

My eyebrows twitched, and for a second I stumbled- almost tripping up on my walk down to the fighting pitch. My hands clenched, my teeth ground together, and my body shook. Never before had I felt so murderous. Hearing the female version of my name announced in conjunction with that title… it was a poor combination. A stripper was the last thing I wanted to be known as- hell, I knew I would eventually _have to_ adapt to my new gender, but I doubted I could ever adapt to _that epithet_.

Because I was fairly sure that sooner or later I was gonna snap when I heard that title used, and I'd happily keep on snapping until I'd shed so much blood that they couldn't possibly keep naming me that.

" _ **Oh man, Boombox. Samantha does NOT look impressed."**_

" _ **Meh. If the boot fits. She ruthlessly strips her opponents of their clothes and their dignity. I call what I sees, and she's a Demon Stripper."**_ Even with the noise, we could all hear the tiresome sigh from the other presenter.

" _ **Either way, Samantha stands ready to brawl. And as is her opponent… the Sun Bringer, Marine Captain Louis Anderson!"**_

The man in question stood at his summoning, and marched down to the battlefield. Now that I could see him, I knew exactly what Phil was getting at when he called him 'formidable'. He stood taller than the bears I had fought in the forest, for one thing, and I was fairly certain he had greater muscle mass than them too.

The blond man wore his Marine coat shut and buttoned up, and even with the looseness of the fabric his chiselled body stood out against it. Based on the colourful patches of cloth and string weaved across the arms, I could tell that Anderson was so muscular that his body _physically tore open the material of his coat_ , and this it happened often enough that the thought of getting a new coat seemed silly and costly compared to just constantly repairing the same one.

In other words, I wish I was fighting the grizzly again, or that Bear Grills had managed to burn his way to the semi's.

" _ **Semi-finals, match one! No weapons! Melee only! Final Destination! And… begin!"**_

At those words, Anderson moved and tugged his coat off with practiced ease and tossed it to one side. He looked to me with grim determination, and nodded with respect. "Samantha D Clarke." His words were hard like stone, and solemn as a priest, "It is a pleasure to meet you. Despite your… quirks, you have earned your place here fair and square, having even defeated my rival in the course of arriving here."

"Rival?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"The vampire! Your first match!" he exclaimed loudly. "At first, I thought you were a goner, but after your second match, I instead realised that your apparent weakness was ACTUALLY a cunning defence! Yes, you _must_ have willingly walked into his trap, knowing that you could save your energy by letting him eliminate himself due to your superior understanding of the rules!"

"Umm… sure, let's go with that. Thank you." I said honestly, with a smile. Admittedly, his initial opinion of me was more accurate, but it was nice to know that someone felt I belonged here. I felt my rage leaving me, and I scratched my head sheepishly. "I think you are the first one to actually approve of my presence here."

"Of course! How could I not respect the potency of your No Garment Style!?" He asked rhetorically. "Such terrible power, not even requiring a fight sometimes due to the psychological trauma it can inflict! Truly, a pragmatic style! And so, I shall give you my full attention and treat you deadly seriously!"

And then I remembered that Anderson was built like a Russian Tank l and could very easily be the Bane to my Batman if I wasn't careful. "… could you not? I like my spine intact, thank you."

"I am afraid not, Samantha! You have ignited the flames of my passion, and you deserve nothing but my very best! So, I shall shrug off your psychological warfare, and allow my rugged physique to do the talking for me! Hrrrggghhh!" He growled, and then his muscles strained, and his white vest and standard marine trousers shredded themselves, revealing his buff as fuck body beneath, now clad in only polka dot boxers. "Behold my manly physique! I have saved you the trouble of stripping me by prematurely removing them before you could!"

I blanched at the man as he posed. Suddenly, almost explicitly, he began to _shine_. As if he'd walked straight out of the pages of Twilight, his torso erupted into luminance brighter than a thousand torches.

"Oh god, my eyes!" I cried, and shut my eyes. Even so, the image remained. Anderson, ripped and flexing, his body as it glowed like a flash grenade.

"I see you averting your eyes from the _rugged and manly_ form of my body!? You have proven yourself worthy of glimpsing the secret skill of the Anderson family, that has been passed down for generations! Behold, the might of the **Vampire's Bane**!"

"… _fucking hell, I finally noticed who this guy reminded me of. It's like someone took the lovechild of Alex Louis Armstrong and Edward Cullen, and then that guy made_ another _lovechild with Alexander Anderson."_

"… can I _not_ behold its might?" I asked, with my eyes still shut. "I will literally pay you any amount of money if you could just _put some gosh danged clothes on_ , before the light is permanently burned into my eyelids?"

"I am afraid not." The gravelly voice intoned sadly.

"Like, isn't this against the rules?"

" _ **Afraid not."**_ Announced Zoom. _**"This phenomenon is clearly a result of the slickness of his torso reflecting the light of the arena bouncing off his diamond hard ab's. All this is caused by the physical capabilities of the fighter, and is clearly a part of his tactics in close ranged fighting. The usage is legal."**_

" _ **Hear that, little miss Anti-Climax!? No technicalities to get yourself out of this one! Now shut up, AND GET BACK TO KICKING EACH OTHER'S TEETH IN!"**_

"Indeed! The time for talk is over. You are a tricky fighter, and if there is anything my family has taught me, it's that one should retaliate in turn against the unfair. Now, prepare yourself to taste the MIGHT OF THE FISTICUFFS PASSED DOWN THROUGH MY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!"

 **(Play You Say Run)**

Then, I heard him give a bellow of determination, and heard the thud of heavy footfalls as the Captain charged at me. Talk was over, back to the great pastime of making another guy (Gal) bleed.

"Fuck my life." I cursed, then I dived to one side, tucking my body up into a roll to put me out of range of the charge. Then, I heard the sound of stone cracking where I had just been standing, and jumped away.

" _Damn. He's stronger than Mercedes, but in addition to that his shining torso means that I literally can't even properly see him coming. How can I win a fight with my eyes shut?"_ Quite simply, I couldn't, so I opened my eyes and squinted, but the blaring light meant that I could barely see anything but a dark shape that I could tell was Anderson.

" **Fisticuffs of the Hunter!** " he announced, and then he was upon me. The fists came fast and sharp, each heavy enough to be incapacitating, and all in positions to prevent escape. By now my eyes were clamped shut, and I had nothing to stop me being reduced to a bloody stain on the floor, but the instincts honed against the creatures of the wild, and my inherent reflexes. Several times I felt the whoosh of air from where I narrowly avoided the strike.

Then one of the hits grazed me, and I wondered if surrendering was a safer option, _because freakin' hell did that hurt_.

" _Fuck it! I need to see!"_ I looked, and surprisingly his chest was dimmer. It must have been because I was in the way of it, being so close, so it could only reflect so much light. With that, I had a better idea of the mechanics of the attack, because I could clearly see the light was coming _only_ from the torso. _"Idea!"_

I hit the floor, ducking as swiftly as I could, then lashed out at the floor with one hand, Held tight to the ground and _pulled_ myself forwards. From there, I effortlessly entered a roll and ducked beneath the gap beneath Anderson's legs, then continued rolling. A brief look was all I needed to know- the **Vampire's Bane** technique, as Anderson called it, faced forwards only.

In other words, I wouldn't be blinded if I came at him in any direction but dead on. "Now if only I knew how this would help me."

Because it didn't really matter that I knew a flaw in the technique if I couldn't abuse it. I was a lot stronger after all the weights training, but most of the experienced I'd gained in the forest was geared towards my mobility and ability to dodge and react. It was a strange feeling to be able to move in such a superhuman manner, but my mind was finally able to keep up with the full potential of my body, while my body had been further strengthened.

Point was, I was faster now, and nimble as fuck, _but I still couldn't hit hard enough to bring the mother fucker down to the ground_.

Anderson spun, and then the glare of **Vampire's Bane** was back. I cursed as I saw him bend down, then rise suddenly- ascending into a jump that took him high above him. " **Anderson Family Secret Technique, Sun Stamp!** "

The light was coming from everywhere now- his position in the sky meant he could point the beam directly downwards upon me- there was no darkness around me- I sure as hell couldn't see him coming.

" _Oh wait, he's coming from above."_ So, I shut my eyes, and braced myself for an attack from the sky. Then, a thud from behind me. The meaning was clear, and I spun in alarm- but it was too late- and a roundhouse kick smashed into me with the force of a meteor.

" _ **Ouch!"**_ Zoom winced. _**"What a devastating misdirection from Sun Bringer Anderson. The expectation of a stomp from above, turned into a surprise attack from behind."**_

" _ **Dayam! She was sent**_ **flying** _ **."**_ He wasn't wrong. I was presently slumped against the wall of the arena, having just hit the side of it with a thud. My head was spinning, and I could barely stand. I'd clearly found my weakness- stamina. Sure, my Devil Fruit power gave me a massive advantage against weapon users, but against any physical brawler I was toast, since I could barely take a hit. In a funny sort of way, Monkey D Luffy was actually the worst sort of opponent I could face.

"Its impressive that you are still standing." Said Anderson.

"Its impressive that _you're still not winning._ " I snarked back at where I heard his voice come from.

That, however, was a blatant lie. He was kicking my ass, and I had no idea what to do.

"-the MARINE'S back!" one obnoxious voice in the crowd yelled. "Geez, I pushed through… and… GET ONTO THE-" then the voice was cut off again by the crowd.

I blinked dumbly (And immediately regretted it due to it allowing the light in again). _"Hang on a sec, was that PHIL!?"_

Then, more screaming from the crowd- perhaps a little closer to me. The sound of struggling, yelling and shoving, then a louder roar closer to me. "GEEZ KIDDO!? WHAT DID I TEACH YOU!? GET ONTO THE MARINE'S BACK! GET ONTO THE MARINE'S BACK! GET ONTO-" then, Phil was silenced. I had no clue why. Maybe he'd pissed someone off from his pushing, maybe his voice had broken, maybe it was the sudden surge of the crowd's volume as Anderson announced that he was going to 'finish it'.

Phil could be like a broken record sometimes, and he acted like a dumb brick, but he sometimes had good ideas. I thought back to my training, more accurately the first time I fully realised that my Devil Fruit had been the Hold-Hold Fruit. _"If you get onto the Grizzly's back then he can't kick you… or scratch you… or bite you… or maul you… or in THIS case, the Marine can do fuck all."_

So, now I had a game-plan. Get onto the Marine's back, and see what the fuck happens.

My hand lashed out to get the feel of the wall beside me, guessed the curvature of it, and then began to run alongside it- heading at a straight right angle away from Anderson. I was sure he was turning too, adjusting his advance so his Twilight-Torso was still pointing straight at me, but that didn't matter. I didn't want to be anywhere near Anderson. I wasn't getting in range of him. I needed to outmanoeuvre him somehow.

Then, once again, I had another idea. I stopped- suddenly and sharply. I turned to face Anderson (Eyes still shut, and wondering if I was being _dumbdumbdumb_ by abandoning the smart idea of bravely running away), and began to walk towards him.

"Take this! **The Speeding Knockout Punch Passed Down Through The Generations!"**

I could hear him, if I concentrated. His shouts gave away his position, and I could just _tell_ where he was. Then, when he was as close as I could accept, and I turned on my heel and charged straight towards the wall of the arena.

" _ **What the hell is Samantha doing?"**_

" _ **You said it, Zoom. If she keeps running, she's gonna hit that wall head first."**_

I sped up, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best. _"Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, pleasedon'tkillme."_

Then, I hit the wall with an "Oooph!", and then I Held on. Using the force of my impact and the power of my Devil Fruit, I gripped onto the side of the arena, then I pulled myself up- trying to throw myself up as high as I could go. Like a Spiderman, doing whatever a spider could, I pulled myself higher. I didn't have the time to climb too high, especially as the wall itself wasn't even that massive, but I got as high as I could, and I needed all the elevation I could get. Then, I kicked out with my left foot and pressed it against the wall- feeling the ripple of my Field telling me that I was successfully Holding on. I used my momentum, to bring my other foot up… and then I kicked off the wall with all the force I could muster.

There was no way to tell if this was going to work splendidly, or go spectacularly wrong. I figured that I needed to get onto Anderson's back, but there was no way I could climb up with him trying to squash me like a bug. So, I tried to rethink my attack plan, and remembered his own attack. Question was, if I used my Devil Fruit power to scramble up the side of a wall and kicked off it, would I be able to catch a speeding wrecking ball of a man off guard due to him overcommitting to his 'finishing blow', or was I about to be punted out of the air like a baseball being sent on a homerun?

Based on the surprised yell of Anderson, I assumed the former. My eyes snapped open, and I had to blink the spots of light out my eyes, but already I could tell the glare was gone. I looked down, and saw that my timing had been spot on- I was flying straight for the Captain's face, from a forty-five-degree angle above… and that once I hit him, his punch was gonna just keep going until he slammed straight into the wall, just as I had.

"EAT THIS!" I yelled, and then I struck him. My knee smacked him straight in the face, and he just _kept on moving_. He hit the wall with a KASLAM, and I lost all sense of orientation. Almost unconsciously, I noted that I had activated my Devil Fruit power and was somehow draped around Anderson's neck and back like a really morbid scarf.

And _then_ I realised that at this moment in time, I was on Anderson's back, and _he had just taken a knee to the face and a wall to the fist._ "I'm gonna get onto the Marine's back!" I screamed, and then I Held on with one hand and spun myself around vertically, so now I was facing up as opposed to down, and then I lunged upwards and around.

See, me and Phil had mostly done a mixture of basic exercise and ridiculous woodland training, but we _had_ managed to get some formal work done. At the very least, Phil had corrected my basics. How to stand, how to throw a punch, how to fall, and most importantly… _how to perform basic holds_.

My arm lashed around his neck, and I wrapped my arm so far around him that I was able to grab onto my other shoulder. My other arm repositioned itself to better support my hold, while the rest of my body pressed itself tight to Anderson. Then, I activated my Devil Fruit power… and I _Held on with all my strength_.

Fun Fact: while I could only keep my Field up for so long that let me suck up projectiles into my body, it was a different story when I was Holding onto something directly. Unfortunately, I couldn't use my Devil Fruit on living people to Absorb them- but that didn't mean it had no application directly against someone. As long as I was only keeping myself attached to something (Or someone) as opposed to Absorbing it, then I could Hold onto it _nigh indefinitely_.

Other Fun Fact: _my arms would break before my Hold could be_.

"G…et… off…" Anderson choked, finally reacting to my attack. He'd recovered from the sudden impact with both my knee _and_ the wall, and was reacting. His thick arms were coming up, trying to grab hold of me and pull me off, but I wasn't giving. When one arm managed to get a strong hold of my shirt and begin tugging, I let my free arm loose and repositioned it _again_ , this time with a point of contact around the limb in question, holding it tight.

" _ **Oh my!"**_ Zoom exclaimed. _**"What a shocking turnabout. Samantha is**_ **choking the hell** _ **out of her opponent."**_

" _ **Holy Shit!"**_ Agreed Boombox. _**"She's clinging to him like a boy to his Smother!"**_

" _ **Boombox, language!"**_

" _ **Fuck the language! This girlie has put a choke hold on Sun Bringer Anderson like a**_ **pro** _ **and is NOT giving him any leeway! Anderson has her beat in terms of physical stats, but DAAYAMN this is merciless! I take it all back about her folks! Her hits aren't the hardest, but I sure wouldn't want to get close enough to her to let apply a proper hold to me… unless it was in the bedroom."**_

" _ **BOOMBOX!"**_

" _ **What!?"**_ He protested obnoxiously. _**"She's pretty dang hawt!"**_

I smirked, feeling a teensy bit vindicated by Boombox's words… though also rather murderous due to his closing statements (The associated thoughts associated with his words were promptly forced into a small box, trapped in a series of other boxes, and throw into the deepest depths of my mind to never again be considered).

" _I'm a newbie fighter… pretty dang weak. I lack experience and strength… but I DO have a Devil Fruit power, and that already makes me inherently Bullshit."_

Yes, that was the one real boon my Fruit gave me in direct combat. I couldn't become fire, change into a dinosaur, or use the elastic properties of rubber to hit really fucking hard- but as a Hold-Hold man (Woman- Person, _whatever_ ), when I was Holding something: I would. Not. Let. It. Go.

"St... op." Anderson cried weakly. He stopped trying to pry me off, realising it was useless, and he changed his track. Without another word, he dropped. Falling backwards, I hit the floor first, with the full weight of his body hitting me too. I cried out at that, but I didn't let go. I kept up my choke Hold, until second… by second… he stopped twitching.

With a sigh of relief, I untangled my body from his own, and I pushed him off me. It was hard, and I felt more like a collection of bruises than a real person, but I rose to my feet and held up my hand up triumphantly.

" _ **We have our winner!"**_ Zoom shouted, triumphantly. _**"Sneaky Samantha claws herself another victory from a physically superior foe, downing Captain Sun Bringer Anderson in the process!"**_

And the crowd went _wild_. I stood there, grinning, and triumphant. I'd gotten lucky with Mercedes, and Kuro had gotten unlucky with _me_ , but this? I'd won this fight, fair and square. I had use trickery, misdirection, and ultimately my Totally-Cheating-Devil-Fruit, but I _won_. Here and now, it felt like my training was worth it, that _maybe_ I might actually be good enough to be a Straw Hat Pirate.

I was through to the finals.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Well, kiddo, I probably shouldn't have doubted you." Admitted Phil, choosing to wander over to my seat once again while we waited for the next round to begin- the other semi-final match. "But you won. Good job, I guess."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Was my dry response.

"Eh. Honestly, you were a long shot, but I'm kind of impressed with you after that last round. I mean _damn_. Sun Bringer Anderson ain't no joke, you know?"

"Tell me about it." I was still sore as hell from the fight. "Still, thanks for the advice back then, Phil. May not have tried a grapple without it."

"Heh. It was nothing, really." He said, almost bashfully. "I mean, I _already know_ that I'm amazing, so you don't need to praise my fighting analysis or anything…"

I sighed. _"Yeah. Phil fits with bashful like he does with modest. By which I mean, not at all."_

"Anyway, you excited to be here for the finals?"

"Kinda." I scratched the back of my head idly. "I'm surprised I got this far, but I won't give up easily now that I'm here."

"Great, 'cos you're gonna need that determination. I mean, the last three fighters you fought weren't pushovers by any definition, but the other two people left in the tourney are pretty scary too."

I raised an eyebrow. "Just how scary?"

"Well, they're up next. Have a watch." Phil said, before the Transponder Snails turned back on and the crowd went nuts.

" _ **And now for the second match of the semi-finals!"**_ Zoom yelled. _**"We have the other match we've all been waiting for. In one corner we have Karate King Jerry, the winner of last year's tourney! And in the other corner we have Ryunosuke, the Dragon's Fist!"**_

The two men in question walked down to the arena… or rather, one walked, and the other _towered_.

"Jerry… so he got to the finals?" Yeah, that made sense. He apparently won last year, so it made sense that he had the potential to go far this time. "Still, isn't he just a joke, in the end?"

" _ **Yes, Jerry doesn't seem like much, but holy hell can that guy beat the shit out of a guy!"**_ Boombox said, as if answering my question. _**"Looks a bit silly, but this man won last year for a very good reason!"**_

"Yeah!" roared Phil from behind me, only just speaking loud enough for me to hear. "Don't underestimate him! The rate of fire for his punches is ridiculous, and his limbs are so long he may as well count as the ONLY ranged melee fighter ever! Like, he makes _the long-arm clan_ look short!"

" _Good point. Can't afford to underestimate him. But what about the other guy I might face?"_

" _ **Then we have Ryunosuke! Perhaps just as recognisable to many, the wandering fighter has taken part and won against many worthy foes! His right hook is arguably the strongest in the entire tournament!"**_

"He's literally just Street Fighter's Ryu." I summed him up, upon seeing his attire. Karate gi, a red band tied across his forehead, and the glummest look imaginable on his face. "Well, this _is_ a Tournament Arc…"

" _ **Two dudes, both as used to punching as the other! So, let's see which of them… can win in a NOT-DEATH BATTLE!"**_

" _ **No weapons! Melee only! Final Destination! And… begin!"**_

Then, the match had begun.

"I have been looking forwards to this!" Ryu(nosuke) yelled, immediately seeking to close the distance. His arm began to glow red as he charged.

" **Dragon-Ascending-Bone-Crushing-Wrym-Spinning-Kick!** "

" _ **And they're off to a great start, and Ryunosuke's already pulled off his far-too-long-to-name attack already!"**_

" _ **But Jerry is ready and waiting too, Boombox! What counter does he have prepared?"**_

Jerry simply hopped up and down on his feet, in a standard boxing stance that looked ridiculous on someone so tall. "Heh! I'm the Karate King of this island! I'm not gonna let some random hobo walk off with my title without a fight! **Jerry Aurora Flicker Jab!** "

And then I saw what Phil meant about Jerry, and why he wasn't to be underestimated. See, all I _could_ see now was a blur of fists as Jerry delivered his devastating attack- an attack Ryu literally ran straight into. One thing I remembered well about Luffy was how he could move fast enough with his attacks that it often seemed like he had multiple limbs, and Jerry was able to accomplish this feat too. At the very minimum, he had _pre-Grand Line Luffy physical capabilities._ He stood up tall and proud, and with his horribly long arms he punched over and over and over and _over_.

The simple fact was that while he looked quite silly fighting Sanji, _that didn't mean he was silly at all, and that his confidence likely came from somewhere_. Let's be clear- Sanji is a monster, and in that train Jerry was severely limited due to his size and the location- resulting in him doing that silly 'Yoga pose' move. He was a joke character from one of the Cipher Poll agencies, only there for Sanji to kick the shit out of. But I wasn't Sanji.

And here and now, Jerry wasn't trapped and enclosed within the confines of a small train car. He had the space to flourish- to properly take advantage of his insane reach.

So- to sum a whole lot of fighter analysis and genuine worry from my part, let's put it all into fighting game terms. _"Jerry is a character that can punch_ from halfway across the ring _, and can do it frequently enough that it would be a wonder if you weren't hit by the time you closed the distance. More than that, while_ I _could beat him by raining death upon him from afar using projectiles, this is a tournament concerning PURE close combat, fighting ability. The rules have been adjusted to turn off all special and projectile moves. Except that Jerry plays by his own rules, and has the enough ridiculous reach that he may as well be firing ranged attacks_."

The blurs cleared, and the match ended. Ryu had tried to put up a good fight, but the match had ended the moment Jerry threw his first attack, as his opponent was battered and bloody upon the floor- defeated without landing a single punch of his own.

"Fuck me."

"YUP!" Phil yelled, managing to catch my attention again while the crowd cheered, and the announcers concluded their post-fight talks. "See what I mean!? Its close, _very close_ , but Jerry almost breaks the 'melee only' rule without even trying! Ryu was tough. Like, against that sparkling guy you fought, he would have beat him in a clash of strength and speed. But with Jerry, he could just stand back and keep punching. The fact that everyone is limited to close combat only gives him even more chance to win."

"Well shit." I concluded with a small growl that sounded more cute than terrifying. "Gonna have to come up with a bullshit strategy, aren't I?"

"Ayup." Phil nodded his head in agreement. "Still, ya got this far, kiddo. I've got faith in you, and so has Cuddles."

"… Cuddles. You mean the terrifying nightmare that haunts my sleep? He's here?"

"Well, he's more 'adorable' than 'scary', but sure, he's here to cheer you on!"

I looked Phil over, taking in every detail of his small body that I could, but I couldn't see the massive terror anywhere. "How long has he been here? And where is it, anyway?"

"Oh, he's in the crowd somewhere." Phil brushed it off with a handwave. "Wanted to go walkies after the end of the first match. Figured, what's the worst he could do?"

"… I'm not even going to answer that question." Because I had ohhhh so many answers to it. "Still, look on the bright side. At least now my biggest problem is the homicidal tarantula you've unleashed upon the audience and not my upcoming pummelling."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Well, this is it, Jerry. Me and you. The final battle. The duel that everyone's been waiting for. I'm not gonna hold back."

Jerry just gave me a look. "What the hell you on about?"

"Ignore me." I sighed. "Quoting meaningless internet parodies to calm my nerves."

"Internet?"

"Again, ignore me." Shame on me for quoting when the going gets tough. "In all seriousness, good luck."

The look gave me was smug, as if the very meaning of what I was saying was ridiculous. "I am the Karate King of Karate Island. I don't need any luck."

" _ **And thus the pre-fight banter is over!"**_ Zoom announced. _**"The crowds are excited, and they aren't here to see people talk. No. We started this tourney with hundreds."**_

" _ **Then the Qualifiers happened, and most of them**_ **beat the sh-** _ **tar, the TAR, out of each other."**_

" _ **Thus, bringing their numbers down to sixteen."**_

" _ **Then, one by one… THEY KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER!"**_

A roar from the audience, and a sigh of reluctant acceptance from Zoom. _**"You do this every year. If I had a penny for every time you swore…"**_

" _ **Then maybe you could afford the medical bill for every fighter that got THEIR ASSES WHOOPED!"**_

" _ **And now, here we are, at the finals. Two fighters left standing."**_

Yes, I was lucky to have gotten this far. My opponents stood out vividly to me- any one of them were powerful adversaries in their own right, and people that by all rights should have beaten me. And yet I had overcome each of them.

Mercedes the JoJo Reference. Powerful and mobile, with an entrapping power stopped only by the almighty power of the rulebook.

Maribelle Edelfelt, the Panty-Shot-Less. Well, she _had_ been, at least up until she fought _me_ …

Sun Bringer Anderson, a figure with the strength of an Armstrong, and the sparkle of a vampire. Eventually brought low by a common choke hold only made dangerous by the one using it.

And now- my final test. Jerry of CP6. _"I don't care that he won last year. I'm not gonna give up easily, and I AM going to East Blue, even if I have to_ walk over his beaten, bloody body _to get there."_

" _ **Final round!"**_

" _ **Karate King Jerry, the champion of last year's event!"**_

" _ **Versus Samantha D Clarke! The Demon Stripper!"**_

" _ **Only one can walk into the sunlight with glory… while the other shall limp home with egg on their face."**_

" _ **No Weapons! Melee Only! FINAL DESTINATION! AND… BEGIN!"**_

A loud gong sounded- almost as loud as the beating of my heart. And then the final match of the tournament had begun, and all other sounds were ignored as I gave all my attention to my opponent.

Because I was going to need everything I had just to dodge his first attack, let alone win this match.

 **(Play Umineko Lastendconductor)**

"Hmph! I'll end this quickly! **Jerry Aurora Flicker Jab!** " He wasted no time in trying to squash me like a bug. A hundred clenched fists rocketed down towards me, a rain of powerful blows. It was the attack that had carried him through this tournament- that had likely won him the last. Strong hits with enough frequency and reach to them to be able to stop any foe dead in its tracks should they move within range of him.

I had chosen to wait for him to come to me as opposed to running head on into _that_. I had to play this smart- but most of all, I had to play it _safe_.

When this match began, I made sure to start at the dead centre of the ring; this meant that I had plenty of room to dodge backwards away from the hits. _"He can't hurt me if I'm not there."_

The principle was grand, but didn't help when I had barely been able to move a meter before the hits came.

" _Up… left… duck… right… turn… right…"_ One after another, the hits came, and the world almost seemed to slow for me as I managed to barely weave between the outermost blows, moving back all the while. A thumb grazed my cheek, a blow brushed past my left arm and a strike came dangerously close to my guts before I had been able to suck in my breath to give me just another inch between us… they were close, _oh so close_ , but I'd gotten lucky.

I was outside the range of his attack now- I'd retreated enough that he couldn't strike me. Now, I had perhaps a few seconds before Jerry would be able to see that amongst the blur of his fists I was no longer being smacked between them.

So I ran. Full pelt, I sprinted, body down low to minimise air resistance, and I charged. If the range of his assault was a slice of pie with the edge directed towards me, then I was circling around the outside of this area of effect. I felt my clothes ruffle from the force of the blows from beside me, and knew that I'd calculated the kill zone correctly.

Another second later, and I passed by Jerry, as close as I could be. Perhaps he finally saw my missing form, or maybe he could see or hear me, but his eyes widened, and spun to see me ducking into his blind zone.

BAM! A jumping roundhouse kick from myself, delivered straight into his back. I'd been unable to truly put much force into the blow as he was so tall and the jump took a lot of the power out of it, but at the very least my flexible leg had been able to strike him.

Then, the gaunt giant reacted, and an arm swept about in a wide arc to try and push me away. I ducked down low and felt the arm brush against my hair. Then I turned and sprinted. Hit and run would be my best bet here- Jerry punched a hellalot, and I bet that this took a lot out of him to keep it up. I hadn't watched any fight of his but one- but he'd ended it within his first barrage.

" _Bet that he'll get tired before I can. Next time I'll go for his legs and bring him tumbling to the ground- that first hit by me proved that I can't effectively damage his important areas with sufficient force because he's so far off the ground."_

"You coward!" Jerry roared, upon making the connection to me running away. "You _little shit_. Don't think I haven't fought rats like you before! **Jerry Comet Running Barrage!** "

… and shit. My advantage had been that Jerry remained locked in place for his attack, so I could just run around and smack him… but this attack…

Jerry was charging right at my fleeing form, and his rain of punches accompanied him. Perhaps his range was a little less, his power reduced, and his speed cut off- but Jerry had just as much ability to deliver his beatdown while on the move- he just chose not to since those heavier blows from him when he stood still were so much more effective.

"Shit!" I cursed. The bastard had long legs, and he caught up quickly. The next thing I knew- a punch had hit my shoulder, and then as the force made me stumble forwards two more swift jabs threw me to the floor.

In a flare of pain and sheer reflex, as the next hit came I lunged out and grabbed the arm that next struck my prone form… and then I Held on.

Next thing I knew, I had motion sickness as I was rapidly shot forwards and backwards by the arm, until the limb stopped.

"Hang on… you're on my arm!" Jerry exclaimed in shock.

"Yes. Yes I am." I noted. By now I'd fully wrapped myself around the long limb due to the shock of the punches making me lock tight to the only constant in the motion- to an outsider, they'd see me bodily hugging the entire limb in question.

"Well _get off!_ " he snapped, waving about his limb frantically in an attempt to throw me. It was a futile gesture though- nothing could stop me when I'd gotten Hold of something.

Suddenly, I had an idea. I began to hum a catchy theme to myself, and lunged forwards with one arm- Holding on further along the limb, then began to haul myself forwards.

" _ **Holy shit! Is Samantha**_ **climbing** _ **Champion Jerry!?"**_ Shouted Boombox.

"OFF!" Repeated Jerry. This time, he'd taken his time to note where I was, and tried for a more surgical means to remove me. **"Jerry Sharp Chop!"** A karate strike with his free hand struck me directly, and I flinched at the pain of it, but it didn't make me let go. Instead, I continued to climb.

"How many times do I need to hit you!?" he grumbled, repeating the action again. I wasn't going to just sit here and take it though. The bloke struck me, warranting another curse from myself, but I took it as an opportunity. My lower back hurt like a bitch, and was sure that his last strike had hit my arm and caused bleeding, but that strike had put us in _direct body contact_.

And so, I Held on to that hand too. It was harder to do so, yes, and I was better when I could use my hands to Hold on, but that didn't matter. His hand hit me, and I refused to let him pull the arm away. Both his limbs were glued to me now- I would like to see him even _try_ to hit me now!

"You'll need to hit me _harder than that!_ " I snarled, and waited as he futilely tried to tug his hand free.

"Grggh! Fine!" This time, he chose to use his head. Namely, to flat out _headbutt me_. The strike was sudden, and for a moment my concentration wavered. I was able to keep hold of his arm, but I lost his hand.

"Now, take this then! **Jerry Special Meteor Chop!** " Jerry had his hand free, and intended to use it. He knew that any attack would end up being caught by myself… but it didn't matter if the blow in question was strong enough to take me down in one blow. This chop- I could tell that it was on a threat level far higher than those he'd used before. It was so fast I swore it cut the air as it closed in towards me. Hell, it looked threatening- I was certain it would do some damage if it hit me.

Instead, I refused to let it. There was no point trying to catch the attack; not when it was just as simple to dodge. As soon as he began to declare his supermove and released it, I released my Hold on the man and dropped from his arm. Consequently, there was no longer a target for his attack to strike… so the momentum carried it through so the chop struck his shoulder directly.

"FUCK!" cried out Jerry, flailing away from me as his arms wind-milled and the pain too became apparent to be ignored.

"Hey Jerry!" I yelled out from the floor, a wicked smile on my face. "Why don't you stop _hitting yourself!_ "

My comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. " **Jerry Aurora Flicker Jab!** "

I rolled, and braced myself for impact. However, no barrage ensued from the enraged man. No- he got three punches in before the boxer cried out in agony and had to stop. With a wary look, he prodded his left arm with his right, and winced.

 **(Play Persona 5 Will Power)**

" _ **Well damn! It seems that Jerry's injured his left arm severely!"**_

" _ **You are correct, Boombox! It was a clever move from Samantha to latch onto him, albeit a risky one. Those karate chops were hardly weak, but Jerry definitely took the worst of it when she faked him out and caused him to strike himself. Not quite sure of the damage- but it's not broken. Either way, Jerry clearly cannot punch with his left arm without severe pain."**_

Boombox whistled appreciatively. _**"I tell you what, Samantha's a bitch, but a clever one! She turned her foes strength against him, and has taken half his firepower out from under him!"**_

" _ **She hasn't won yet though."**_ His fellow commentator warned. _**"Even with one arm, Jerry can hit hard, while Samantha has taken her own beating."**_

"What's the matter?" I asked him while getting to me feet (Suppressing a small moan in the process). "Did the so called 'Karate King' get a booboo? The boxing champion unable to throw a punch?"

"You _worm_." He snarled, clenching his one good fist so hard I could see the veins upon it, while the other remained limp by his side. "I've seen you fight, and you're a sneaky rat! Scurrying about! Tricking or running away! This is the only wound I will take this match! I _refuse to allow any others!_ The plain and simple truth is the largest sum of damage done this match was _self-inflicted_. By yourself, you are weak, and I will _crush you_."

"Well aren't you sure of yourself." I noted. "Smug too. It's not my fault if you practice self-harm. My dear Jerry, you need help. Perhaps some local anaesthesia will help, helpfully provided by yours truly when I _knock you the fuck out_."

" _ **Ouch! That banter!"**_

"Bring it… _bitch_." He snarled, gesturing rudely with his left hand.

"Oh, it is _on_."

I sprinted forwards in a curve towards Jerry's weak flank. My eyes scanned the field for the inevitable counter, but widened upon noting that Jerry wasn't where I had expected him to be.

Long arms, long legs. He didn't show it, but here in the open, he had just as much mobility as my first two opponents possessed. When it only took a single step to move meters away, it's fairly simple to stay in motion.

Then, a strong heel was swung at me from above, prompting a quick dodge from myself to avoid the blow. A quickjab followed- one so fast I had barely been able to sidestep it. As more swift kicks approached me, I struggled to deal with each one in turn, and was barely able to keep up with.

It was clear to me now- Jerry was taking me absolutely seriously, and he'd won last year for a reason. His style of overwhelming his opponents through sheer quantity of fists and range was effective (And bullshit) but it wasn't his only strong point. He was a capable enough boxer without the gimmicks, and now that he had lost half of the firepower of his Flicker Jab technique and was falling back on his basic jabs and kicks, I was struggling way more.

In many ways, one well trained fist was a hell of a lot more dangerous to a rookie fighter like me than a powerful yet gimmicky technique with clearly exploitable weaknesses.

" **Normal Jab!** " roared Jerry- and then he punched me. It was a perfectly delivered punch. He'd set it up perfectly- timing his attacks and directing his kicks to get me exactly where he needed me to be. I'd jumped back to avoid a strong kick, and was paying for it- this punch was unavoidable to me for the split second I was airborne.

BAM! Straight into the gut, his fist found its mark and sent me flying backwards. Already today I'd experienced this feeling- having my breath stolen from me and the strength taken out of my body. I couldn't move- it was all I could do to wheeze oxygen into my panicking lungs.

"Take this! **Screw Drop Kick!** " I could see it coming, and could do little about it. Jerry had leapt high, turned in mid-air, and had readied his poised feet towards me. He spun, and now descended towards me in a spinning cyclone of devastation.

" _If that hits me… I'm a goner. It'll shattered bones and destroy organs. If that hits me, it's a_ killer technique _."_ Jerry wasn't pulling any punches at all.

I could see the inevitable come for me- as if every frame was clearly shown to me one by one. The spinning kick dropped, and I saw it get closer- inch by inch.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die. _I didn't want to die_.

My body moved. Despite the absence of oxygen, I forced it to shift through sheer force of will. Centimetre by centimetre- my body obeyed. It was amazing just how much effort it took for me to do as little as turning myself over- to move if only a foot to one side of the epicentre of the blow, and then throw myself over again.

Two feet between myself and the epicentre- the spiral of death couldn't change direction mid-air, and it struck the ground. The force of the spin struck me, as I was at the edge of the spinning kick, and again it sent me rolling away, aggravating my injuries, and bringing bruises from older matches back into the forefront of my mind.

Either way, I would have let out a sigh of relief if I had possessed breath to spare. Jerry was suffering the after effect of the kick, and was largely immobile for the next few seconds while he recovered from activating his devastating attack from below.

" _Come on Sam! Get up! GET UP! We can't stay down! Get to our feet! Just get up! We can't give up when we've got this far! We're battered and bruised, but so is he! He's taking us seriously…_ because we are a serious threat! _It's not about winning now. Or getting the prize to East Blue."_

No. By now, these were secondary concerns. These worries wouldn't manage to get me to stand up one last time. _"No. it's about two things: surviving the fucking bastard who tried to deliver a killing blow on us,_ and beating the shit out of the twat in turn for trying to kill us!"

I held onto the floor with my hands, and I pushed. Inch by painful inch, I brought my arms to full length, then Held onto the floor with the flat of my feet. Then, I rose, shakily, and forced myself to my knees. Again, I felt like topping over, but my palms spread out to either side of my body kept me in place. One last push, and I got to one knee. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stand- my breath was back, but the damage done.

" _ **Is this the end folks? Samantha can barely kneel; how can she win this now? Meanwhile, Jerry has shaken off his technique's cooldown and is advancing upon his weakened foe! Is the match decided?"**_

"I will give you one chance." Jerry droned in a dead tone. "Give up. Or I'll kill you where you stand."

This was an out- a chance to leave this fight with my body intact. A sensible, safe option to escape this without further bloodshed and permanent damage to myself. Any sane man would accept the offer- winning wasn't worth dying.

However, I never claimed to be sane. You would have to be mad to willingly agree to enter a fictional world at the behest of a ROB, mad to pick a fight with pirates for people you've never met, mad to enter a fighting tournament with no prior training, and _mad_ to choose to keep on fighting despite the potentially lethal end Jerry was promising.

"Go fuck yourself." I spat.

"Very well." And with that, Jerry lunged with the intent to kill. A single, powerful hammerblow- clearly televised, but impossible for me to dodge. It would stop me, and if it didn't strike in a lethal place, then it would shatter all defences and let him continue on. He'd kill me, and consequently make feeble apologies afterwards.

I didn't intent to die though. I was going to kick his ass. I'd sacrificed so much to get here, and if it would get me through this, I would sacrifice a little bit more.

All that remained of my dignity, for one thing.

I waited. I waited until he was as close as I could possibly let him me. In an instance, I activated my Devil Fruit power, and Absorbed the shirt I was wearing into my Hammerspace. A look of absolute shock from the man- he'd been intently watching me to deliver his punch, and had seen something he truly hadn't expected to see.

To an onlooker, someone that clearly _appeared_ to be a female had just gone topless without even so much as a warning. It came out of nowhere, and it likely shocked Jerry just as much as everyone else in the audience- _because who expects naked, uncensored tits at a sports game?_

In other words, I was doing all this to _distract_ , because damn it all, I needed every little edge here, and _fanservice works_. His punch faltered due to his surprised, if only for a second or two.

That was all I needed.

It was a small gap, but it was enough of a delay to reactivate my Fruit- this time to release the shirt. I threw the clothing directly above me (as to throw it at Jerry would potentially lead to it being seen as a 'weapon' in terms of ruling) to further draw attention away from my intentions.

And so, I used up the last reserves of my energy. While he was as distracted as I could force him to be, I acted. From my one kneed spot, I _rose_. I pushed down, and forced myself forwards and up, beneath the strong left punch that would surely destroy. I lunged forwards and upwards, then with clenched fist I _punched_.

It was an uppercut, delivered with every trace of strength I had left. Jerry stood tall, and it would take an upright man to reach his waist. I wasn't that- but at my tallest, I could certainly reach him with my fists. And I had just gone from the floor to a leaping uppercut- directed at the most vulnerable place I could possibly aim at from the floor.

So, to remove the bulk of my description, to abridge my observations and cut to the chase, I did a very simple thing: _I just blinded Jerry with my naked boobs and a thrown shirt, then uppercutted him in the junk_.

The crowd was stunned into silence. For a moment, the world looked on in sheer disbelief at what had just happened in the span of seven seconds or so. Then the moment ended, and the pandemonium began as Jerry finally reacted to the _literally_ ball crushing force of my blow.

He looked down in disbelief, the shirt still masking his vision for the moment, and yet he could see me all the same. He knew what I'd done- he could feel it. And he was judging me to the very depths of my soul. Finally, he spoke, in a tiny, unsteady voice, "Ouch."

And then Jerry, the Karate King of Karate Island, toppled backwards like the Goliath of legend felled by a slingshot. He was unconscious before he even so much as struck the ground.

" _ **Holy shit. Fucking hell."**_ Funnily enough, this time it was Zoom cursing and not Boombox. _**"Did… did… did Samantha just**_ **flash Jerry and punch him in the dick!?"**

Silence, once more. Disbelief- and perhaps a bit of shameless staring. I knew what the consequences of my move would be- I had just gone topless in public with my female body. I had just subjugated myself to the leering gaze of every hormonal male in the audience, and every disapproving woman accompanying them.

In short, _I had just won this tournament by stripping_.

And it was absolutely worth it. Probably.

" _ **Zoom, is there anything in the book about distraction via stripping?"**_ Boombox finally asked.

" _ **Nope. Nothing in the Book about stripping, by any party in any situation."**_

" _ **And the shirt?"**_

" _ **Not thrown directly at Jerry. Merely a distraction, not a 'weapon' in this case."**_

" _ **Okay then. Howsabout knockouts via uppercuts to the balls?"**_

Zoom laughed a little at this. _**"Of course not. Nobody has ever had the balls to go**_ **below the belt** _ **before."**_

" _ **Oh."**_ Boombox still sounded a little bit confused- almost as if his mind had gotten an error message and was now asking for user input before exploding. _**"Zoom, for once in my life, I don't know what to think. On the one hand,**_ **mother of god, there's a topless lady and she's STILL topless!"**

… the reason for this being that it had taken all my strength to get myself up into the uppercut I was still holding, and I feared that if I tried to move all the energy I had left would leave me. Oh wait- too late. I fell forwards with a thud- my face pressed into the floor. _"At least my tits aren't on display anymore."_

" _ **On the other hand,"**_ Boombox continued, _ **"YOU DON'T GO BELOW THE BELT!"**_

" _ **I am confused too."**_ Zoom agreed. _**"Still, the results are clear. There can be no denying it. Samantha D Clarke has won the match via knockout! THE WINNER OF THE 43**_ _ **rd**_ _ **WORLD FIGHTERS TOURNAMENT IS THE DEMON STRIPPER, SAMANTHA D CLARKE!"**_

The applause was half-hearted at best. Half of the audience too busy glaring at me to want to support my victory, while the other half was too busy staring at the exposed skin of my back to be able to do anything but a lacklustre, automated clap.

I had won. I had bullshitted, blackmailed, cheap-shot-ted and utterly _ruined myself_ along the way… and in doing so, had somehow gotten to the end of this tournament. I was the last man (Woman)… _person_ … standing.

I HAD JUST WON THE WORLD FIGHTERS TOURNAMENT! I WAS GOING TO GO TO EAST BLUE! WHERE THE STRAW HATS WERE! MY ADVENTURE WAS FINALLY GOING TO BEGIN!

 _ **Now, someone get that poor man some medical assistance and that woman a frickin' shirt!"**_ Zoom interrupted my musings with a grumble. _ **"We've got a mortally infertile man that now needs treatment, and have just given every teenage boy here their 'personal material' for the next few weeks-worth of daydreams. The executives are not gonna be happy with this."**_

... yeah, I had won. I had gotten exactly what I wanted. And yet as I watched the referee drape a coat over my body, I couldn't help but wonder if it was worth it.

When I saw the paparazzi, and heard the whispers of 'Demon Stripper Samantha', I knew that it was most definitely _not_.

" _Look on the bright side."_ I told myself as I was dragged off stage. _"This is the Darkest Hour for me._ Sure _, I've embarrassed myself on the closest thing to live TV in the One Piece world, but shame fades. Bah! What has my good reputation ever done for me anyways!? Either way, I've won. The last roadblock between myself and the Straw Hats will be gone once my prize money and cruise ticket has been provided."_

There was no denying it. Nope. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , could get in my way now.

 **AN- And that's a wrap. Tournament Arc… over. Let I never write another (At least not until Dressrosa…** **). It didn't go exactly as I wanted, and it featured more OC's than I'd hoped for, but I think it turned out well nevertheless. And hell, it only lasted two chapters (Mostly due to cutting out every unnecessary fight), so it definitely avoided the drag normally associated with a Tournament Arc.**

 **Onto in chapter content… the first enemy, Louis Anderson. He's pretty blatant really. Elements of FMA's Armstrong mixed with a bit of Hellsing's Anderson (Decide whether I mean Abridged!Anderson or not in your own time). Stat wise he surpassed Sam (Much as basically everyone did), but at the end of the day Sam's finisher was just something he was unprepared to beat. Normally, choke holding Anderson is largely impossible due to his strength and mass, but Sam could Hold on. Sam's grip cannot be beaten. Perhaps it seems like a mundane utility for a Devil Fruit, but the Hold-Hold Fruit definitely has its close combat perks.**

 **Second fight. Whooo boy. I'm sure I'll catch some flak for the ending. "What!? How** _ **dare**_ **Undying Soul put such… SMUT… in my One Piece experience!". Welp, in response,** _ **stripping is a perfectly valid tactic.**_ **Not exactly honourable, but a distraction is a distraction, and he needed everything he could get against Jerry. Sam will likely… regret… his hasty choice in the future, but in the present he was largely fine with doing it. Because one, he didn't want to die, and wanted to win. Two,** _ **he still tries to think like a guy**_ **. While removing your shirt in public is a pseudo-faux pas for both genders, it's definitely a lot more acceptable for a guy. Not even gonna touch** _ **that**_ **with a ten-foot pole, whether it's right or wrong. It just is- Sam still identifies as male, so while Sam can see** _ **why**_ **it would be considered wrong from an outsiders perspective, but to Sam they were willing to sacrifice a little pride for the sake of victory.**

 **(And this wasn't all due to the fact that I may or may not have buffed up Jerry a little bit TOO much. Hot damn though is that guy actually a pretty scary early-game enemy, if you think about it. Especially when you only have limited options to combat him).**

 **Anyhow, enough of my ramblings. Sam has won, and with this, the South Blue Arc is largely over. There will be one more transitional chapter, but after that we can dive into the East Blue.**

 **Next chapter (… okay,** _ **second**_ **next chapter), prepare for some ACTUAL plot. It will go exactly as well as you'd expect. Undying Soul out.**


	8. Shameless Exposition

**Chapter 8: Shameless Exposition**

 **AN- happy new year everyone. And as a reward to herald in the new year… have the following totally wanted chapter! Because we all know** _ **exactly**_ **the purpose of this chapter. Screw it- let's get the rest of the 'pre-East Blue' out the way now.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own One Piece. Let us be glad of that.**

 _Day 1_

 _It's still hard for me to believe it. I've won the 43_ _rd_ _World Fighters Tournament. I… HAVE WON._

 _In a terrible manner, mind you. But fuck you guys, groin punches are totally valid!_

 _But yeah. Victory. It sure tastes sweet, I tell you. Admittedly there_ might _be just a TEENSY bit of mocking here and there due to my manner of victory, but fuck them, I got a nice trophy (Handily stored in my Hammerspace) and a metric fuck tonne of money. I left the agreed chunk of the earnings with a sobbing Phil, and am now ready to move on._

 _With winnings in tow, I've now boarded the cruise ship. It's a really nice ship. Like, it's got a Seastone base for its bottom (As it's a really expensive cruise liner), a Marine ship permanently accompanies it, and everyone and everything there is really expensive and classy- if the star system went beyond five, then this would probably still only be about a four and a half. My room is lovely and it's all mine, and every member of staff I see calls me 'Madam', which really pisses me off._

 _But why am I writing this? Because being at sea lasts_ forever _. I'll be on the boat for a month until we hit Loguetown. So, I need shit to do, and figured I might as well start a journal to store my meaningless ramblings within. Might be fun- always did used to enjoy writing, even if I never had much time for it. Maybe I could serve as a Chronicler when I finally hook up with the Straw Hats? Yeah- that would be real cool. If_ archaeologist _is a valid profession to have on a ship, why not?_

 _So, person snooping around in a diary that doesn't belong to them, enjoy a months' worth of boring yet also rather blatant exposition. Hoorah!_

 _Day 2_

 _Not much has changed, but I've been settling in. By now we've set off, and Karate Island isn't even a blip in the distance. I spent most of today just exploring the ship, getting to know it and all that. Since we set off lateish yesterday, I basically just crashed after dinner (And oh BOY is the cuisine nice here). So- we got's ourselves a small pool up on deck, a largeish auditorium (For dances and other fancy stuff), a mini library, a bar, a gambling room, a fancy restaurant and even a gym._

 _So yeah- I think I'll spend most of my time at the library (Where the snooty Money Bags rich enough to afford this cruise can only glare silently at me as opposed to talk loudly about me), and the rest of the time trying to enjoy the food or alternatively exercising. This is a straight month for me to use before I meet Luffy- I should take advantage of it. Even if I just lift some weights, do a bunch of push ups and get some running done, all this could help me keep my physical level up to the necessary degree to survive the Grand Line (a goal worthy of overcoming my inherent distaste of working up a sweat or exercising). Like, I suffered during my week of training, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't continue. Admittedly I became good enough to bullshit my way through the tourney, but the experience only really showed me just how out of my depth I still was in a fair fight._

 _The foes I will face will be far deadlier than Jerry._

 _Note to self: apparently a mandatory gala will be coming up in a few days so all the rich people can talk to each other about how rich they all are. And apparently, I too will have to go… and in a dress._

 _ **FUCK THAT NOISE**_

 _Note to self: find method to either burn the dress the crew is willing to provide to me, or find a really good hiding spot._

 _Other note: FUCK SPIDERS. More than that, fuck Cuddles. I had hoped to escape from him by leaving the island immediately after throwing the money at Phil- as in LITERALLY sprinting away from the horror I knew was menacing the tourists somewhere in the arena still. Unfortunately, that spider has blood hound DNA, and it somehow caught on and manage to sneak on board. I woke up this morning (Screaming like horror movies were going out of fashion) with it sleeping on my torso (Apparently having learned better from that night at Phil's to_ not _sleep on my face). This is an improvement, but it also probably means it doesn't_ need _to sleep on my face because its already put the facehugging horrors in my stomach._

 _Day 3_

 _Not a bad day all things considered. I'd only had one other cruise in my life back on Earth, and had been sailing in this world a lot less. In short- the mystery and sense of_ adventure _from sailing had not yet worn out. I took out a book on basic navigation I found in the library and had a fairly chill afternoon up on deck reading while I watched the waves and enjoyed the warm climate._

 _Food was nice. The cook makes mean Mexican Food. Though I wonder_ how _they made it since Mexico as a country doesn't exist here… and why its still called Mexican food despite this._

 _Also, fun news! Guess who I found lounging by the poolside? Maribelle. That's right. The woman I brutally traumatised in front of a live studio audience by stripping her to her underwear and threatening to sexually molest her breasts in the most humiliating manner imaginable._

… _this sounds a lot worse on paper._

 _So yeah. Apparently, she's so fucking rich she didn't even need to win and was just doing it for the prestige, and so due to my 'treatment' towards her she decided she needed a holiday to recover. Thus, why I found her by the pool, getting a tan._

 _Suffice to say, she took one look at me and ran away crying about "Oh god, why won't she leave me alone!?"._

 _Day 4_

 _Had some rain today, so wasn't in the mood for going up topdeck. Decided to stop procrastinating and Just Do It. Some of the men in the gym looked at me funny and laughed when I tried to start weight lifting. After half an hour of mean sniggering though, one took pity on me and showed me how I should get started._

 _Note: REALLY getting sick of being called Madame._

 _At least the food is still really good. We had fish. And yes, my days are so mundane that talking about food and the_ weather _is literally the most interesting things I could discuss._

 _Ooooh! I did try to get some Devil Fruit practice in. The staff was hesitant when I asked them to throw knives at my head so I could catch them and work on my accuracy when releasing them, but after a demonstration they were willing to let me have some target practice against a sack or two of theirs._

 _Bad news though. Cuddles is unfortunately making itself comfortable. It sleeps on the foot of my bed when I'm gone, tries to murder me whenever I enter, and always ends up sleeping on me whenever I wake up. Before I head off to sleep, I always managed to entice it into the bathroom (Using dinner leftovers), but despite that it_ still _ends up on me by the end of the evening._

 _Day 5_

 _Maribelle, it seems, has gotten a second wind. Apparently, the trauma has worn off a little- at least enough for her Righteous Feminine Fury to overcome her well placed fear of me. I hate it when that happens. Mostly because it led to her confronting me in the gym and deciding to give me a good beating after vacating the room._

 _As expected, my ass was kicked. A lot. My face met the curb, and was stomped_ hard _. For three and a half hours, she kicked, punted and bruised me. It was a ruthless series of violence, but I could definitely say that I deserved it. Somewhat. Still, when the dust cleared and I was still breathing (Albeit struggling to do so much as get back to my feet), she could only throw up her hands and walk away- apparently a little more satisfied._

 _In the end, I crawled back to my room and tried to sleep off all the pain, and ordered in room service for my meal. A good plan, up until you factor in Cuddles, anyhow. The maid fainted upon seeing Cuddles (Dropping my food in the process) and apparently suppressed the memory after waking up. Yay?_

 _Still- this gave me the kick necessary to try and_ deal _with the issue. This time when I locked Cuddles in the bathroom, I slipped some paper between the lock and adjusted the handle_ just so _. I was gonna find out once and for all how the little fucker keeps getting back in here. And then I was gonna stop it._

 _Day 6_

 _Yet again, it seemed that Maribelle had nothing better to do than come bother me. At least this time she wasn't kicking my teeth in- a welcome improvement. She brought me a newspaper with an article detailing my 'sordid victory' in the final round, and asked me if I was ashamed of myself. I instead replied "I needed to win, and the price of my pride was one I was willing to pay. Therefore, I paid it… with interest. Also, in completely unrelated news, the sharp rise in hospitalised tourists with spider poison in their veins definitely had nothing to do with me"._

 _Suffice to say, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know Maribelle has spirited me away from my spot in the library and dragged me back to her fancy room. I had no clue exactly how it happened, but it seems that she has decided to 'take me under her wing', since apparently, I have no fucking clue what constitutes as acceptable for a woman and what doesn't._

 _One, not a woman, so I don't care. I'm not gonna change how I act just because my dick is measured in negative numbers now._

 _Two, I didn't even WANT her help, but I really had no choice since the alternative to attending her 'Tea Party' was to have her beat the lessons of modesty and woman solidarity into my brain._

 _Thus, I sat at her table, answered her questions, and only seemed to rile her up further and further with every reply. Finally, she just threw up her hands and decided that I was apparently so pitiful that she had no choice but to step in. I was kicked out, and told to show up on the next day._

 _Cuddles Report II: I was RIGHT. That little bastard somehow learned how to open doors. Either that, or IROB finds my distress funny and opens the door instead. Not sure which is worse._

 _Day 7_

 _Dear diary- today has been horrifying. I have been under the thumb of Maribelle the Monster for the entire day, and I have thoroughly learned to fear her. So… many… lessons! Who cares if I don't know how to look coy!? What does it matter if I don't use the right cutlery!? Seriously, who gives a flying fuck what I wear!? And why are your knickers getting in such a twist over my refusal to wear a bra!?_

 _And more than that- I. Will. Not. Wear. The. Dress. She. Keeps. Trying. To. Force. Onto. Me._

 _I don't care if that dumbass gala is tomorrow! Everybody gets one, and the one time I wore a dress was because there was literally sweet naff all else and I didn't have the option of rejecting it!_

 _So yes- I was going to fight Maribelle every step of the fucking way. I wasn't going to be some kind of charity case for her, because I didn't want it. And I sure wasn't going to let her_ mould me _._

 _Managed to escape sometime before dinner. Did some more weight lifting to take my mind of shit._

 _I tried to bribe a Marine to smuggle me onto the adjacent ship- so I would be able to escape the festivities. Unfortunately, the Captain had been invited, and didn't take too kindly to the corruption he heard when he walked past. Doubly unfortunately, the Marine Captain happened to be a certain Louis Armstrong that I'd choked the shit out of. He took one look at me, remarked how well earned my victory was, and how it would be a terrible shame if I missed the gala largely dedicated to the victor of the tournament._

 _Fucker wants me in a dress. Welp, he can go die. I shall escape! Surely there must be someone that can help!_

 _(Ammendment: Hahahahaha. No. Banana raft didn't work quite as well as I wanted it to)_

 _Day 8_

 _Sometimes, you can struggle all you like, but whatever happens, happens. And sometimes when a badass ass-kicking Victorian Lady decides she wants you in a pretty dress, then she's gonna put you in a dress._

 _She tracked me down, broke down my doors, dragged me to a fitting room and personally forced the monstrosity down upon me. Admittedly, it was a_ nice _dress: blue and black, with minimal ribbons. One of her own, apparently, from when she was younger._

 _But aesthetics aside, it made me feel… sick… I guess… to look at myself in the mirror with it on. It still seemed uncanny to see that face, and the dissonance with my normal attire really struck me. It didn't matter how I felt or acted, everyone would only ever see the outside female as opposed to the inner male. So sure, I made for a pretty enough girl when you manage to get me out of my normal clothes, but that didn't mean I_ wanted _to._

 _Still, Maribelle seized upon my inner reflection and even painted my nails when I wasn't looking. She was a sneaky and quick fingered woman, so she was._

 _I swore to train myself intently for the rest of this holiday. And then_ kick her well-dressed ass _afterwards._

 _At the dance itself (After I was physically dragged there by the kicking expert), everyone acted as I expected them to- they were dicks. It didn't take long for them to start pointedly mocking me, both to my face and behind it. Suffice to say, my 'Demon Stripper' nickname was not easily forgotten, especially as many of the twats had actually been there in the audience to observe my 'victory'. So yeah- wasn't very nice to experience, even if my skin is naturally tough from years of bullying in secondary school and from just how little I cared for their opinions._

 _It says something about your ridiculing bullying ability if you can make a Genderbent guy feel self-conscious about their non-existent femininity, though._

 _Fun fact. Maribelle isn't as big as bitch as I originally thought. She actually stuck up for me and called them out for picking on a 'commoner'. Later on, after she stormed off with me in tow, she admitted that while she has been pissed off with me for my behaviour in the fight (Namely, stripping her and publicly humiliating her), she couldn't hold it against me due to my willingness to do the same dumb thing to myself in my own fight. She could at least acknowledge my guts, and admit that due to my present skills there were few avenues of victory I could pursue, and wanted to maybe make it up to me._

 _Thus why she 'galled me up'. It was meant to be an apology of all things- helping me to connect with my 'inner woman' that I had neglected for so long._

 _Now, I would be happy to leave that damned 'inner woman' exactly where it had been dwelling deep in my subconscious of 'never-ever', but I didn't much want to throw her offer in her face either, as she'd had mostly good intentions._

 _Though yeah. I definitely don't appreciate her offer of friendship or assistance._

 _AMMENDMENT: Oh, for the record, let it be said that I really don't like her. Her misguided attempts to try and help me really don't make me happy and I really didn't appreciate her showing me how to_ actually _use all the dang cutlery (Its surprisingly simple- outside to inside!)._

 _AMMENDMENT 2: OH GOD! I'M REREADING! I am_ NOT _a Tsundere! I'm really not!_

 _AMMENDMENT 3: Note to self. Can Genderbending force Dere-ness upon you in order to fit anime tropes and cliché's? In fact, just how much of my recent behaviour can be attributed purely to the new hormones at work in my body, and how much of it is just traits of my personality I never really had need to ever explore?_

 _AMMENDEMT 4: Oh god, this horrifying thought train keeps crashing on. What if me owning a body that obeys One Piece Logic, means that_ I _obey One Piece Logic? Is my personality changing? Am I becoming more One-Piece-Esque because naturally I'll change in circumstances like this, or is it because my body is naturally predisposition to it?_

 _AMMENDMENT 5: I need to stop thinking about my strange existence while sleep deprived out of fear (I'd been staying up to try and catch the bastard spider at work). Either way, the ensuing Fridge Logic probably isn't worth the loss of my ignorance._

 _Day 9_

 _Maribelle actually did something quite helpful today- she followed me when I started my training, and offered to give me a hand. So yes- I got a sparring partner out of last night's mess, so I considered that a win. She frequently bruised me black and purple, but she always told me_ why _I lost, and helped me polish up what I could. Things were starting to get easier._

 _Oh! And now for something completely different! Guess who can do whatever a spider can? Not me- because I'm nowhere near as fucking terrifying a spider. But I CAN wall walk. I remembered that trick I pulled off in the arena, and have since replicated it, while bored in my room while I tried to stake out my room late at night to catch Cuddles in the act._

 _Day 10_

 _Failed to spot Cuddles leaving the bathroom, and actually ended up accidentally falling asleep and fell onto my bed. When I woke up, Cuddles was there, as always._

 _The terror is starting to subside whenever I wake up, now. I think that you can only experience so much horror morning after morning before you grow desensitised to it. Sure, I'm scared to go to sleep because I just_ KNOW _what I'll wake up to, and when I wake up I still feel like screaming, but the feeling is less. I have the horrifying thought that maybe if the spider does this enough I'll start getting_ used to it _._

 _A horrifying thought. I will need to get a REALLY big glass to trap it in before I leave._

 _At any rate, after a start like that, I didn't much feel like doing anything. Felt quite… insert word. Like, tip of the tongue… can't remember it. Not sure how to describe it. Something like sluggish. So yeah- didn't feel like much today. Was actually pretty tired. Skipped training, curled up by a window with one of the better fantasy stories I had found in the library (Some OP version of Naruto set in Wano country, actually), and read for most of the day. Will go to bed early._

 _Am pretty tired. Didn't see Maribelle today._

 _Day 11_

 _OH GOD I WOKE UP TO BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!_

 _HOW DID I FORGET! I'm a WOMAN now! KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? IT MEANS THAT_ IHAVE A FREAKING PERIOD!

 **AS IN A CERTAIN AREA OF MY BODY BLEEDS FOR NO EXPLICABLE REASON.**

Everything hurts, I feel all bloated, everyone is unsympathetic AND I KEEP BLEEDING!

IF ONE MORE MAN LOOKS AT ME LIKE THAT _I WILL RAM MY ARSENAL DOWN HIS THROAT! I KNOW I SAW THAT GUY LOOKING AT MY TITS! HE'D LIKELY DESERVE IT! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I_ CARE _IF HE LOOKS OR NOT!_

 _Luckily, Maribelle took pity on me. Was nice enough to tell me_ all _about the stuff I wish I never knew I had to know. She was probably smart enough to realise I was far too old to only just be having a first period, but she didn't call me out on it, so there's that._

 _Day 12_

 _I still feel like shit._

 _OH GOD! WOMEN PUT UP WITH THIS FOR 3 TO 5 DAYS A MONTH._

 _EVERY._

 _MONTH._

 _I have so much respect for all of womankind now. Such a shame they have none for me due to the whole 'stripper' thing._

 _On another note, men are pigs and Captain Anderson ordered me be locked up in my cabin before I murdered someone._

 _Fun fact: I didn't go down easily. Three Marines now have busted noses, four unconscious waiters were left in my wake and Anderson has a split lip and a black eye… AND THEY ALL DESERVE IT, THE SEXIST PIGS._

 _Other Fun Fact: Cuddles took one look at me with its beady eyes when I woke up, and promptly decided "Fuck this Shit.". I think it's chosen to sleep in the bathtub tonight._

 _Day 13_

 _I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Bleeding all the time is effing uncomfortable, and I didn't even get out of bed today._

 _Can't be bothered to write much._

 _Maribelle showed up and was only mildly condescending. She brought tea. It helped. Cuddles trying to give me a reassuring 'hug' did not. I finally got the courage to try and murder the little blighter (Or at the very least lost the inhibitions holding me back from trying it). Cuddles is a tough bugger, and basically shrugged off every attempt I made on its life, with nary a worry for its own life. I fear it has cockroach ancestry._

 _Day 14_

 _They let me out of my cabin today. It was a mistake._

 _This guy was definitely asking for it though- like all the others. His double chin likely cushioned my punch, and it's not like the gene pool will be missing out from my JUSTIFIED assault._

 _He was a pig and pigs get stitches. Or something._

 _Apparently its almost over now. Fucking finally._

 _Fish and chips for dinner. Will have early sleep._

 _Day 15_

 _Ahh shit. I just read over all the last few days logs. Fun fact, I can barely remember what I did, and I must admit that while I've mocked woman during that 'time of the month' in the past, I will never do it again. I'm just glad it's over now._

 _Like, really. That poor, poor man. Testicle kicks are never okay. Admittedly I punched a man there just slightly over two weeks ago, but that was in a fight so it was totally different, and I KNOW I'm a hypocrite, so fuck off._

 _Also- I REALLY hope every month isn't as comically bad as this one. I REALLY hope it was just the fact that this was my first… Period (And doesn't it feel Shit to attribute that word to myself or use it in a serious context?), and that my hormones were REALLY unbalanced._

 _Because if it turns out IROB is just gonna fuck me over like this every month, then I might just be a greater threat to the physical and mental wellbeing of the Straw Hat Pirates than any of the Shichibukai ever were._

 _They won't let me leave my room, even though I've stopped bleeding. Like, holy shit. I don't blame them. I was really fucking scary over the last four days._

 _Day 16_

 _Cruise is almost halfway finished now. Turns out we entered the Grand Line while I'd been having my little PMS Rage Inducing Reaction. They let me leave my cabin. People are notably more cautious when talking to me. Almost as if I'm a loaded gun just waiting to shoot someone in the foot._

 _Went to Maribelle today- figured I owed her one or two for putting up with me over the last few days. She helped me through_ that time _, and suffered me when I was at my worst. I owed her at least a tea party and some words of thanks. Is it odd that I've hated all of the canonical characters I've met so (Fuck Kidd and fuck Jerry), yet most of the people I've_ _liked_ _tolerated have effectively been 'OC's'?_

 _Dinner was rare Beef in a red wine sauce. I asked for an alternate dish, and the staff probably made a good decision when they didn't deny me._

 _Day 17_

 _Maribelle continues to try to educate me: both in the feminine arts and in the arts of Not Sucking In A Fight (results vary, and you may still suck)._

 _Other than that, I went all out in working out once my trainer left- going late into the evening. I've fallen behind in my regime due to the Period Crisis. Am gonna have to work harder than ever to get stronger before this cruise ends._

 _Also, fuck life. Cuddles has finally overcome its wariness of me and has returned to sleeping on my bed. I hope that if I do go mad from hormones next month I actually succeed in killing the monster. My sleep is so bad nowadays._

 _Day 18_

 _I worked hard. And golly gosh was it hard work._

 _Saw Anderson today, while he was passing by (After we endured a whirlpool and squid attack- it's actually funny how I'm already technically at the place I most need to be, the Grand Line, and will someday be returning to). Anyway, he watches me with the cautious nature of a man waiting to see whether a nearby tiger is going to maul you or not. I could be wrong, but it seems that I have definitely made an impression on him. Not necessarily a_ good _one, but he WILL remember Sam D Clarke._

 _It was really warm. Went for a swim in the evening to wash off my sweat even though you are meant to shower first, but honestly, fuck it._

 _Had curry tonight._

 _Day 19_

 _We stopped off at an island today to resupply. It was only quick pitstop at a Marine base to collect the needed goods to make the rest of the journey, and to obtain the Eternal Log Pose that will take us to the island closest to the Calm Belt that we'll use._

 _In the news I read about Kidd. He's started making a name for himself, and its already bloody. 68 million berries is not a bad starting Bounty._

 _Training went fine too. I did some more Devil Fruit work. I've gotten a bit better in just how long I can hold open my Hammerspace and the overall surface area of my body I'm able to convert. Quite frankly, it would be more ideal for me to be able to make my whole body Absorbable for one second than it would be to make my torso Absorbable for 30._

 _The weather got pretty crazy when we left the base. I think we saw a Pirate ship in the distance too, but the storm was enough for us to escape without them chasing us._

 _Day 20_

 _Trained a whole bunch. Did some reading. Same old, same old._

 _Am actually kinda surprised by how productive I'm being. I guess it really is easier to continue doing something than it is to begin doing it._

 _In other news, the Sailing Novelty has just run out. Awww._

 _The pudding in the evening was delicious though, so I can forgive them. I've noticed my sweet tooth is a lot more prominent now that I'm a girl. I also miss the ridiculously large appetite I used to be able to indulge in when I was a guy._

 _Day 21_

 _Found out there will be another Gala to end this cruise. A kind of last 'hoorah' before the cruise ends and the ship starts returning to where its meant to be._

 _Fuck._

 _My._

 _Life._

 _Maribelle may just get her wish of seeing me in a dress again. I feel suitably anxious, having hated the last evening. Burned off my anxiety by impaling a sandbag with a whole lot of knives. My accuracy is definitely up._

 _Food was a bit disappointing today. High concentration of mushrooms. Hate 'em sooooo much._

 _Day 22_

 _Apparently, we'll hit the calm belt in a few days, then a few after we'll reach out destination._

 _Getting sick of Grand Line weather, especially as we almost capsized like the Titanic. Am not looking forwards to dealing with hail the size of my fists raining down on us when me and the Straw Hats return here later._

 _Will miss the library when I am gone- have taken to reading late into the night on my single bed while I still had the chance to do it. I_ think _I've got the basics of how a ship actually runs down. I may actually be useful when I get on the Merry, which would be nice. At the very least, I have enough theory down to make the idea of sailing less daunting._

 _Day 23_

 _Sometimes, nothing changes. Maribelle is still trying to shove me into a dress (I can run_ real _fast now- and even her kicks won't make me falter), the ship still sails, and rich people are still assholes._

 _Damn. I can't wait for this cruise to end. I just want to get to the_ adventure _already. It's like I'm doing fuck all, and just killing time until the next chapter… island._

 _Yeah. Need to be a bit less meta._

 _Quite honesty though, one shouldn't have to put this much bloody effort in just to KICKSTART the fucking plot._

 _In other news, a maid finally noticed/remembered Cuddles- the same one as before, I think. I think the only reason I'm not being sued for having a 'pet' on board (Despite my protests of the contrary and pleads to put it out of my misery) is the fact that everyone is still too terrified to fuck with me._

 _Day 24_

 _More training with Maribelle, whom agreed to step things up. By now she can acknowledge that I don't exactly fit the bill for the feminine arts, and that trying to force me act like her only serves to make me run away, so sparring is really the closest we have to a shared hobby. I really don't have much else to say. Been checking the newspaper. Morgan hasn't been arrested yet. Still have time._

 _We had to anchor early today because the winds were so effing strong. My ladylike companion kept complaining that the wind was still pushing her dress up even two floors below deck. She wasn't wrong. #ShouldHaveWornSensibleTrousers_

 _Day 25_

 _The crew got really drunk today. I don't know what caused it or why, but a mini party happened below deck in the staff areas. Said pissed people barely noticed me slipping in. It was nice to spend an evening amongst more normal people, even if I had to smack a drunk man or two for trying to get touchy feely with me. I used to be kind of self-conscious about my appearance when I was younger, and then when I got older I learned to stop giving two shits but still kinda wished I was more 'manly' and aesthetically appealing._

 _But then_ this _happened, and now I kind of wish I was unremarkable and not so gosh dang_ pretty _._

 _Shut up. No,_ you're _being narcissistic._

 _Reminder: lower alcohol tolerance now, because why the fuck not, IROB? Fucking hell, I never used to be such a lightweight. I swear IROB did something to me. There's no way I used to be as much of a terror as I am now when I'm drunk. On a scale of Sams You Do Not Want To Piss Off, PMS-Sam is at the top, but Drunken-Sam is a fairly distant second (Which really says how bad_ those days _actually were)._

 _Day 26_

 _We hit the Calm Belt today, and I had a hangover. I was hugging Cuddles when I woke up too. I hope never to repeat that._ EVER.

 _What else did I get up to today? I_ did _hit a Seaking. In the face. Even with the Seastone we suffered an attack, so I yelled at the Marines to shoot at me and reminded them that I'd won the goddamn_ World Fighters Tournament _and_ totally _knew what I was doing (HA!), so then I fired off all their absorbed bullets at the giant Karp Monstrosities face. I was a hell of a lot more accurate, and my rapid fire concentrated assault was enough to blind the monster and send it back into the depths._

 _This is legitimately the coolest shit I've done since I was dumped in this world._

 _Anderson broke out the Good Stuff (He claimed it was from Island Island, the home of many excellent alcoholic beverages and tap dances), and shared a glass or two with all the people that fought._

 _Day 27_

 _We were all on high alert for Seakings, Kuja Pirates or other miscellaneous Grand Line tomfoolery. Luckily it was a pretty calm today in the Calm Belt._

 _We ended the day with a full carvery with all the trimmings. The turkey was lovely, and the stuffing superb. The only thing that ruined the evening was when Maribelle asked me if there were any boys I liked here and whether I would like for her to set me up with someone._

 _Firstly, I'd sooner die than go out with a rich person like the people here._

 _Secondly, ewwwww. I've been trying to do a Luffy and put all thoughts of romance and sex out of my head due to the Bad Places that leads to (Because the only ship I should care about should be Straw Hat Pirates X Adventure). At the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I still like girls. Hope_ that _doesn't change, because over time I think it's clear that being a biological female_ is _having an impact on me, no matter how much I try to downplay it._

 _I have no clue if I'll ever be comfortable enough to try dating in the future. At the very least, it's an uncomfortable topic for me, and one I'm absolutely unwilling to tackle for a good long while._

 _In the end, Maribelle didn't even need me to tell her to drop the subject._

 _Day 28_

 _We exited the Calm Belt, and in celebration, the Ending Gala was held. I had dreaded this day, and hated every moment of preparation for it. However… I really owed Maribelle for all the help she had given me (Those days in particular, I'd say). She could be a bossy, prissy, pain in the ass whom acted like she was better than me, but despite that she did care. She was also a semi-nice female figure I could ask questions to about my Female Condition. And no, I won't list those queries here._

 _So, since I owed her for the help… I didn't struggle as much I could have when she shoved me into a dress and prettied me up. It would only be for ONE night, so I could endure it, right? And while I hated to admit it, the navy blue dress she'd selected for me actually looked objectively nice on me. Kind of… mature, perhaps? I looked less like a tomboy playing dressup in their mother's wardrobe, and closer to the woman I could potentially grow to become with time._

 _So yeah. Man stuff! Testosterone! Think manly thoughts! Its only for one night! ONE. NIGHT._

 _Everybody gets one. Rather, everybody I_ like _gets one._

 _Still… in the end I DID Hold onto th-_ _ ***FRANTIC, MESSY SCRIBBLES***_

 _Hated the experience. I really did. But it made Maribelle happy, I suppose. I consider all the free tuition she has given me on Not Sucking to be repaid. Took less time than my students debts ever would have been dealt with._

 _Day 29_

 _Checked the mail. It mentioned the fall of Morgan. Canon's fast on its way. I'd better be ready for it._

 _Too hyped to write much. Been too busy finishing off as much reading/training a I can do._

 _Day 30_

 _We hit Loguetown tomorrow. So, I decided to chillax as oppose to train for my last day of this holiday. Take advantage of that library one more time, and indulge in the cuisine. I had a pleasant surprise from Maribelle. She'd gotten together a 'care package' for me to ensure I maintained 'What little lady-like charm I possessed'. It was a… nice? ... gesture. Would hopefully help me out when the next_ unspeakable days _arrived._

 _In a strange way, I'd miss her inane mumblings. At least I would be ready now for any Dreaded Girl Talk I might have to endure with Nami, Vivi or Robin (Though I fully intended to avoid that at all costs. While I dreaded the idea of being 'one of the lads' with Zoro, Sanji and the others- it was still a better alternative)._

 _Day 31_

 _We're here. FINALLY._

 _I'm writing this just before I leave my cabin for good. I think all the preparations are done. I've absorbed all my luggage, the beds made, and I borrowed a saucepan from the kitchen that I've managed to temporarily trap Cuddles in when coupled with a heavy weight set I pilfered from the gym room. I'm all ready to go._

 _After I've left, I'll definitely miss having my own space when I have to share the girls room on the Going Merry. In fact, just to remove all awkwardness, I may just have to find a separate sleeping area on the ship somewhere. Doubt they'd forgive me when I inevitably have to reveal my true circumstances. Either way, I won't let this go on for too long. Got shit to do, people to see, stuff to buy with all my masses of Prize Money. Will likely continue this journal when I get onto the Going Merry… or next time I get REALLY bored._

 _Enough of that though._

 _My Adventure… truly starts now!_

 **AN- with this, Sam's adventure truly begins, as does this fic. This wasn't exactly my best chapter, but it was kinda necessary, let me skip a bunch of stuff and basically wrap up all of Sam's pre-canon experiences. Up until now, this has been the prologue- getting Sam the necessary skills and experience to properly fit into and survive the One Piece world. Now, they have set sail, and next chapter we can start touching upon canonical content! Look forwards to the next chapter. Undying Soul out.**


	9. East Blues

**Chapter 9: East Blues**

 **AN: This has been awhile. Like, a long time coming. Six months coming. Honestly, I struggled with this. Waning motivation, lack of time, while other projects I'm working on are more fulfilling and entertaining to write right now. Still, I don't want to give this up. So, here's hoping East Blue rekindles that enjoyment, I suppose.**

 **And yes. There** _ **was**_ **an error last chapter. I wrote that Sam went swimming. Doi. Devil Fruit. Either ignore that small passage, or retroactively assume that Sam forgot, almost drowned and was given mouth to mouth from an extremely overweight lifeguard and is too traumatised to** _ **actually**_ **write as such- written words are always biased. Really, whatever you find more amusing, I suppose.**

 **Disclaimer: I am owned, never own.**

It was hard to believe that I was actually here. When you have a clear goal in mind and then through a large amount of effort you actually achieve it, it gives you a certain sense of satisfaction. And I had desired to reach Loguetown, and now here I was standing on its docks. I'd crossed half the damn world to get here, but here I was.

I clapped my hands together in satisfaction, grateful for my One Piece Self Insertion Adventure _finally_ starting to get back on track. "Yosh. Step one is now complete. Now it's just a matter of actually joining the Straw Hats."

Now _that_ would be the tricky part. Wasn't exactly sure when exactly in the East Blue Saga I was. Technically I could just loiter around and just wait for Luffy to come to me here, but I wasn't so sure if I could pull of a recruitment during that Arc. _"It might be better to force myself into another Arc where my odds are better."_

Still, that was a problem for another day. For now, I was in Loguetown, and I intended to enjoy the experience. I had cash in my pocket from my tournament earnings, and plenty to buy. Outside the tourney I wasn't limited to close combat only. Suffice to say, I had a few ideas. I had a few ideas indeed…

Cackling a little bit under my breath, I briskly walked away from the cruise ship I had just disengaged from and headed straight into the packed crowds of the city. It was market day, and the dock was packed. That was fine- it was nice to be away from the snobs and back amidst the common people. The fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes, and the shopkeeper sells his overpriced goods.

So I made my way through the city, just generally enjoying the experience of stretching my legs once more after so long at sea. I asked a few people who were helpful enough to give me directions, and I found myself in front of the grand structure amidst an open plaza- the very spot where Gol.D Roger himself was executed. I felt a little like a tourist going out of my way just to see this one spot, but I didn't mind too much. In many ways that is all a Self Insert is- an increasingly meddlesome tourist in the grand locale of canon.

It was only as I left the plaza that things started to go wrong.

Perhaps it was bad luck. Maybe it was because of just how deep in thought I was at the time. Maybe it was the clichés of an anime world acting upon my shoulders. Either way, the result was the same.

I heard a shout and kerfuffle, then from around the corner a figure emerged and blustered past me- all but shoving me into the wall as he sprinted past. I caught a glimpse of green hair and a sneering face, and then he was past me and rushing down a different alleyway. The impact was jarring and I almost fell over- luckily I was a Hammer, and I held myself to the floor using my Devil Fruit power.

Unfortunately, that meant that when the next person dashed around the corner, yelling at the man to 'stop', he ran head first into an immovable object.

Immovable object VS unstoppable force is one thing, but immovable object against a normal force is another.

From there, things got a little blurred. I remember myself toppling over and my concentration slipping- turning off my power. I remember a struggle as I sought to adjust my fall, and of my assailant trying to adjust his position too, and then I remember my powers reactivating as I tried to steady myself.

Somehow, through feats of physics I couldn't describe, I actually found myself on top of the man, my hands stuck to bare skin. _"Wait a sec… bare skin. I have a bad feeling about this."_

And so I opened my eyes, and found myself to be in a very compromising position. I was pressed tight against a mans bare legs, almost looking directly at tighty whiteys emblazoned with a familiar blue emblem. My left hand was on his inner thigh, while my second was a bit higher up. I looked inside, and with great alarm I realised that I had ended up reactively sucking up this mans trousers.

I looked up, and up, and up. Spiked white hair, a crumbling cigar balanced precariously in his mouth, and a very much Not Amused look on his face. I had just depantsed Captain Smoker himself.

"Ummm… I'm sorry, but my hands seem to have eaten your trousers." I found myself saying.

And then he realised the state of his lower body. "Where, oh where, are my pants?"

And then the laughter began. I looked to one side and the saw that the green haired man had re-appeared and was laughing his guts out. Slicked lime hair, a red and yellow striped shirt that opened provocatively to reveal bare chest, and that still sneering face. Another familiar face from the canon- Bartolomeo.

" _What the hell is he doing here?"_ Actually, dumb question. He's from Loguetown to begin with, and was actually a gangster or something to begin with. Which probably also explained why Smoker was chasing him too.

"Hehahahahe!" he chuckled at the sight. "Now _this_ is a sight I'd pay to see! The Marine Captain Smoker in his Marine approved tighty whiteys! What's the matter, are you _pants_ at your job?"

"No." He growled, smoke physically rising from himself. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor and he was on his feet and charging the man, when a massive transparent barrier appeared between them.

"Why you after little old me? Trying to get a trouser _leg_ up on the competition? Hehahahahe!" he laughed again, before turning away and sprinting again before Smoker could find a way to quick circumvent the massive barrier blocking the entire alleyway. "Thanks for the help, girlie! The smarty pants over there _never_ would have caught me, but I appreciate it all the same!"

And then he vanished into the depths of the labyrinthine back alleyways that made up Loguetown, leaving only his faint laughter behind, and a rather annoyed Smoker.

Speaking of the man, he was visibly furious. He turned to look at me with a twitching eyebrow. "Well, I lost the suspect. Will I lose my trousers too, along with my dignity?"

"Hehehe. Well, about that…" I pulled out the irreparably damaged trousers from inside my Hammerspace and dutifully presented them to him. "Uhmmm… please don't arrest me for molesting you?"

Luckily, he _didn't_ arrest me for molestation. I _was_ arrested for obstruction of justice, theft, and of destruction of Marine property, however.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Jeez, they could have been a little gentler, you know?" I grumbled to myself from inside my small cell. I would have rubbed my sore wrists, but unfortunately, I was still locked up in manacles even though I was safely locked away behind bars- probably because of the whole Devil Fruit User thing.

Nobody answered me, anyway. The jail area here was all but empty- perhaps because Smoker was so good at his job that most petty crime had dried up. Who knows? Either way, I at least had a cell to myself, so that was one thing.

"So, this isn't _exactly_ how I saw things going, but at least now I have some street cred. I can _now_ tell people, 'hey, I'm a Pirate! Look at my criminal record'. Admittedly the crime was molestation of a pissed off Marine Captain, but hey, it's not like they have to look _too_ closely."

And yes, yes I was so bored that I was talking aloud to myself. "Still, this isn't forever. Smoker is pissed, but not unjust. Three days in the slammer, and glorious, glorious freedom is mine!"

Just three days to endure. "At least things can't get worse."

"Kekikiek."

"Umm…" I didn't like the sound of that. "I _said_ things can't get worse, right?"

"Kekikekek!" Yup. I could tell that excited chittering from a mile off. My gaze drifted upwards and there, as expected, mounted on the ceiling of my cell was Cuddles the horrifying tarantula. Then, as if we were in a horror movie, he leapt from the ceiling for my face.

My reaction time was thankfully very fast now against Cuddles related assault, and I was easily able to backhand the furry projectile, even with my hands constrained and no weapon. I felt an intense pain in said hand as I saw cuddles slam into the bars of the cell with a metallic THWANG.

Then, I saw why. Cuddles… was wearing a metal saucepan. The saucepan I had specifically been trapping him within, at that. He had somehow punched ten holes in the ridiculously thick pan and was now wearing it like some form of armour, with two of his glowing eyes shining through the two frontal holes.

"Oh god. It has _evolved_." And so not only did my attempt to lose the monster fail, it had now come back greater and stronger than ever. It's like: Cuddles II, Steel Type Bugaloo.

Well, on the bright side, I could definitively say that we were in the Worst timeline.

I settled down on the bed, very distinctly kicking away Cuddles like a very painful football whenever he came too close and began to start humming songs to myself. I had time to kill, and a sentence to endure.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was gone midnight of that day when an unexpected voice broke me from my slumber. "Psttt. Psssttt. Wake up!"

Groggily, I forced myself awake, and rubbed away the sleep in my eyes. I looked around in confusion, seeing nothing. I looked down at Cuddles, wide awake and looking up at me from my legs with inquisitive eyes.

"Wait, what?"

"Up here!" I looked up, to where the bars of my window were. There, outlined by moonlight, was Bartolomeo.

"Oh thank god." At least I lived in a world where Cuddles couldn't talk. "Wait a second, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I'm here to bust you out." He said. "See, when I heard you got arrested after that fucking hilarious thing today, I felt this… sensation in my chest. As if something was threatening to break loose."

"Guilt?" I queried.

He snorted incredulously. "Fuck no." Oh. "Nah. It was pity, and a whole lotta _spite._ What better way to rub salt in Smokeys wounds than to break you out of prison too?"

"How are you here anyway?"

"Devil Fruit." Dumb question gets dumb answer.

"Welp, bust me out then." If I'm gonna go into crime, I sure as heck don't want to do the time. That month at sea was imprisoning enough, thank you very much.

"Ah ah ah! Not yet." He waggled his finger at me. "What's the magic word?"

"Please?"

"Come on! Say it with some passion. Really tell me how much you want to be out of here." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"You're not fucking serious, are you?"

"Deathly so." He announced, gravely. "This has been a lot of trouble, sneaking up here without anyone seeing, and bribing the guard so he wouldn't listen in. Make it worth my while."

Fine. If he wanted to play it _that_ way, I'd bite my tongue and suck it up. I forced a sickly-sweet smile on my face, moving my body in such a practiced way to give the illusion of cuteness. " _Pretty please_ could you get me out?"

He looked deep in thought for a moment, before his leer came back to his face and he made a decision. "I'll get you out… if… and only _if_ … you go on a date with me."

No. Nononononono. He had _not_ just suggested what he thought he had. I recoiled away in disgust. "Eww. No. I'd sooner rot!" There was a lot I was willing to do, and there was much I was willing to sacrifice in pursuit of a goal. My pride, my dignity, my modesty. But _this_? I was NOT going to date him. Not just because I was physically repulsed by the concept of doing _things_ with another man (Ewww eww eww), but also because it was THIS asswipe.

He frowned. "So what, you were willing to have the trousers off a Marine within ten second of meeting him, but you won't even go out to dinner with _me_?"

… I think I threw up a little in my mouth. "I'm more than just a set of tits you know! And it's not like I _wanted_ to depants him and end up in this mess you know."

He nodded his head, as if a realisation had suddenly made. "True. In hindsight, those tits _are_ pretty unimpressive."

"… _a line has been crossed. I'm not sure exactly why, but now I very much want to kill him."_

"Go die." I said, rather simply.

"So, freedom isn't each worth the cost of sitting through a meal with me, eh?" he cracked his knuckles threateningly. "You're a bitch."

"And your an _asshole_."

He scowled at me. "I don't much approve of woman treating me like that."

And thus a trigger was triggered. "Yeah… well… I don't approve of your face!" Go go gadget come back engine!

Bartolomeo sneered and rapped the bars of my cage loudly. "I'll leave you to rot, then!"

"Fine!" I snapped back. "Do it. Go home and have a date with the rosy palms for all I care! I wouldn't date you if you were the last man alive!" Specifically because he was a _man_ , but you know, also because he was an asshole. "I'd sooner serve my time than spend even a minute more with you!"

"I'll leave then!"

"Good!" I retorted. "Close the door on the way out, its breezy!"

"I'm at the fucking window!"

"Then shut it!"

"They're _bars_! They don't open or shut!"

"Then why don't you just fuck off!"

"I will!" And with that, he gave me the middle finger and moved out of sight of my small window. I heard him cursing and complaining even as he left, before even that faded away, leaving me alone in my cell.

I wanted to punch something. I wanted to kick something. I wanted to do _anything_. Bartolomeo was an absolute cunt, and while I had a good idea of why he pissed me off so much, it didn't change how pent up I was feeling.

Honestly, Bart wasn't even that _bad_ now that I think about it. Sure, it annoyed me that I was ultimately arrested because of him, but that wasn't it. Nor was it his attitude or insulting words either (Though he didn't win any brownie points for insulting my bust, I'll admit that, because it's not _my_ fault that I don't possess a set of cow's udders!).

I think at the heart of the matter, he was a symbol. I could endure his requests for me to smile and even beg to be released, and all that manner of circles to jump through. I could live with that bit of humiliation. No- what I couldn't _stand_ was the moment he said he would only release me if I went on a date with him.

Again, it wasn't a horrible request. People had said worse, and while it was kinda sexist and chauvinist, it wasn't too bad.

But as he said it, for a single moment he became each and every single person that had treated me like a woman in the worst kind of way since I arrived in this world. He became every perverted male gaze at the arena, every snotty rich man looking down at me, each and every person to act like I was some kind of easy woman or trophy. He was here out of pity, and because he wanted a date out of it. That was it. He'd shown up out of the predefined notion of 'Sam D Clarke' being a _woman_.

" _Mine is a life of perpetual self-denial and head-bashing against walls."_ I was physically and biologically female (And I knew that fact _oh too well_ ), but was I myself a woman?

"What do you think, Cuddles?" I said, casually, turning to address the spider I had slowly come to tolerate as being a perpetual part of my life even if I hated everything about him. "If everyone treats me as a woman, does that make me one? Will I someday come to see myself as one too? Do I _already_ see myself as one now?" After all, how frequently did I complain about perverted males and secretly wish for a larger bra size?

More than never, which in of itself was a reason to worry.

"I feel there are important psychological questions I need to ask- important answers that I need to find about myself." I picked up Cuddles metallic outer layer and looked the beady monstrosity in its many eyes. "Does the body affect the mind? Should I stubbornly cling to my old gender with everything I have? Does my gender even _define_ the person that I am?"

And most importantly of all, "Is _now_ the time to finally resolve my long-standing gender identity problems?"

… blink. Pause. Cue laughter on my end. "You are absolutelyright Cuddles! Of course this isn't the time to be _actually_ confronting my own problems with my gender identity! Only an idiot actually tries to _resolve_ their problems! What I _should_ be doing is gathering also those worries, problems and concerns… then lock them all in a small, tiny box and seal it away in the back of my mind until it doesn't bother me anymore!"

Truly, repression seemed the healthiest solution to my problems! "I should stop being such a passive idiot! No more waiting about! I should proactively seize my future!" I needed all the distractions I could, lest I begin to _actually_ start considering the act of tackling the various issues of my personal identity. "Yeah! If I join _them_ then I will be so busy all the time that I _bet_ that I can completely ignore the issue until at least the timeskip! And by then I'll be such a badass from being a member of that crew that I'll probably no longer even _care_ about these problems anyway!"

It's not procrastination. It's just putting a serious problem off until a VERY distant point in my future where I am either so used to having the problem that I barely even notice it any more or am _actually_ in a position to solve it.

"It's a problem for Future!Sam so that Present!Sam doesn't have to worry." I nodded my head solemnly, and plopped Cuddles down onto the bed. "Wow, Cuddles! For a horrifying monstrosity only sticking around to wait for your brood to hatch in my stomach and emerge from my intestines like a Xenomorph, you are a surprisingly good therapist."

Cuddles tilted its body in a manner that almost seemed to suggest a shrug, accompanied by a little shake and a satisfied "Kek!".

Still. I had a battle plan now. Repress, repress, repress! Find consistent sources of distraction (As well as targets to vent my steadily grow stress levels upon). And then hope that Future!Sam is at ease with themselves enough to be able to deal with the mess Present!Sam has left behind for them.

"Now, if only I wasn't still locked in a prison." Yeah. I kinda forgot about that point. I had nothing to do _but_ think at this time. "Shit." It was very lucky that I was getting so good as self-denial. Very good indeed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Finally, my sentence ended, and I was released back into Loguetown as a free man…woman…person. Either way, I was free, and I already had an idea what I was going to do with myself. I'd made a resolution while locked up behind bars to reach out and grasp my future with both hands- to give it my all and waste no more time.

I was gonna prepare, and then I would _leave_. The Straw Hats were waiting for me, and I myself couldn't bring myself to linger for any longer!

With purpose I traversed the many stores of Loguetown, purchasing anything and everything I thought I might need. My power was in what I could Hold, so consequently my best advantage would be in having basically _everything_ in my Hammerspace somewhere. So that I could always pull out exactly the right tool for any given situation.

Rope. Medical kits. Handcuffs (Non Seastone). A lighter or seven. Emergency rations. Pans. Floatation vests. Anything and everything I could think of that might prove helpful, and several things that I would likely never use but may still see use. You never know when you need a nice, simple brick. I intended to have the deepest pockets of them all.

But I needed more than tools. I needed _weapons_.

First I went to a melee store and purchased an assortment of unusual implements of death. Spears and axes and harpoons- things that you would find difficult to deal with at short notice if someone was to pull it out in the middle of a fist fight when said fist is only inches away from striking.

With a flourish, I slammed open the doors to the largest gun shop I could find in Loguetown. The moustached man, looked up in alarm as I marched up to him and slammed my hands upon the table. I gave him my most evil smile. "My good friend, just how much would it cost for you to gather all manner of weapons here that you possess… and then shoot me with _each and every bit of ammunition that you have in stock_."

I left the store with me ears ringing from all the gunfire I had endured, and with severely less money after all the ammunition and maintenance costs for the fired weapons had been paid. But in return, I was packing enough heat to make Neo jealous. Never again would I need to rely on outside forces to provide the weapons I needed to function- now I had my own very competent set of ways to harm an enemy even without turning their powers upon themselves.

You could almost say that I felt confident as I reached the docks. I asked around a little bit until I found the man I needed- a merchant who occasionally did supply runs for Cocoyasi Village. "When do you next sail for the Conomi Islands?" I asked him.

He looked a little surprised to see what he thought to be a young girl with fire in her eyes and determination in her first approach him. "A week or so. Why?"

"If you set sail for Cocoyasi by the end of today then not only will I pay you for the journey, but I will also personally quintuple your ships carrying capacity for the journey." I informed him.

"Eh? Why do you want to go there? And what do you meant by quintuple it?"

I approached one of the carrying crates he had stacked behind him, and noted the size. Only a metre by metre in all dimensions. I then placed my palm upon it, and wordlessly sucked the crate into my Hammerspace.

"What in Davy Jones Locker was that!?" He shouted in alarm.

"Devil Fruit bullshit. Don't think about it." I waved off his concerns. "Point is, as long as the crates aren't too large, I can directly store them within my own body. As far as I know they cannot be damaged inside my body, while time itself doesn't directly see to affect them either. In other words, I can carry as much as you can possibly need."

He seemed to contemplate my words for a moment, before his eyes lit up in realisation. "You can carry… _anything_ , you say?" Then he leaned in a little bit. "What are your thoughts on contraband goods?"

"I don't care." I replied. "I'll carry anything you want and will drop it off wherever you ask, so long as we go straight to Cocoyasi Village, and we drop off the contents somewhere around there. Capiche?"

He looked tempted- oh so very tempted. There was a golden gleam in his eyes scarily reminiscent of Nami. I could tell- he was on the edge of giving in. "Ah. But what of… Arlong? It's always risky visiting that island, as Arlong needs to be given tribute too."

I walked further down the dock until I found a wooden pillar that didn't seem to support anything important. I placed my palm upon it, then released a single, solitary cannonball. The pillar practically exploded from the collision with the point black projectile. I then turned back to my would-be-ride. "Bitch, I beat guys like Arlong for breakfast. And if need be, I think the profits you could get from my services outweighs the small tribute necessary to deal in that set of islands, wouldn't you agree?"

He gulped I alarm, looking back between me and the shattered pillar. Perhaps he was wondering if a 'woman' like me could truly take on Arlong (Of which I myself wasn't sure- at the very least I felt that if it was on dry land I could give him a pretty damn good fight now), or whether he could stand up to me when I could do shit like that.

"V-very well. You have a deal. Would you be so kind as to give me until tonight to gather my men and the necessary goods for transportation."

I nodded. "Yes."

"I-in that case, I would be willing to do business with you." He laughed boisterously and offered me a hand to shake. "You have yourself a deal. There is a dock further along the island that folk like myself tend to prefer to use. Would you be willing to meet there?"

The smile on my face was a pretty one, but not necessarily a forgiving one. "Cross me, and your face is that pillar."

"D-duly noted. I shall see you there tonight!"

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, everything went smoothly. The merchant appeared with a much smaller boat so as to appear to be a seller of a different kind of product and directed me to a warehouse filled with crates of probably illegal stuff. I happily hid it away, and haggled for the exact price, and then we were off- sailing away into the night.

Things were going well, I thought.

Then the merchant discovered Cuddles scuttling around in the kitchen.

" _This is gonna be a long-ass eight-days."_ Still, it would be worth it in the end. I would hit Cocoyasi, and then I would patiently wait for the Straw Hats while preparing to battle the Arlong Pirates. I predicted that it wouldn't take too long for them to appear, while amongst all the Arcs of the East Blue I was certain that Arlong Park would be the easiest to join within. Luffy wouldn't say no to somebody willing to help him fight against the asshole who abused his Navigator, and even if he refused it would be ridiculously easy to crash the party and prove my competence.

Eight days, and then however many days it took Luffy to arrive. I was anxiously counting them down. I would give my right arm for a timeskip button.

XXXXXXXXXX

Still, all things end, even the wait. Eight days on that ship- most of it spent exercising or practising with my various melee weapons. I wasn't competent, and the one man on deck who had any level of experience with weaponry told me that I was objectively terrible, but I was keeping my strength up, killing time, and making sure that I wouldn't drop them in the middle of a fight (Discounting Devil Fruit bullshit).

And then, we reached the island held tightly in the grasp on Arlong. We made a pit stop at one of the smaller outer islands to dump the illegal loot that our merchant friend would likely distribute later, then we headed to the island housing Cocoyasi Village, expecting for a Fishman to quickly notice our presence and approach our ship to take care of Arlongs 'tax' upon any outside ships. Except, no fishman approached us.

"This is odd." Muttered the Merhant. "Keep an eye out, would you? We'll sail slowly into the docks and see if anything happens?"

" _Okay. Maybe they're busy. It's cool- we just skip the tribute."_

So we carried on and reached the dock unhindered, only to find a relatively cheerful band of islanders. As we stepped ashore, the mood itself was unmistakably cheerful, while all around me I could see the remnants of a half-cleaned party. Discarded bottles, abandoned tabletops and hungover drunks. I didn't even say goodbye to the Merchant as I walked away. I didn't even listen to anything anyone around me was saying. All I could do was keep walking further and further into the village, all but certain at this point.

The people were celebrating and happy. A party had been had. There was only ONE explanation.

Arlong Park had already fallen.

"No. No. It can't end like this." At the very least, even if the reign of Arlong was over, surely it wasn't _over_ over, right? Surely there was another day or two of partying still to be had? If I kept looking, surely I'd find one of the Straw Hat pirates milling about? If I looked back, maybe the Going Merry would still be at the dock, and I simply failed my spot check to notice it.

Surely, _surely_ , there was still hope.

There! I saw a familiar face! Blue jacket, sunglasses across his face, and a thick sword sheathed at his side, nursing a glass of water besides a shaven man in green. I approached them with something akin to desperation.

"Eh?" Johnny shouted in alarm as I reached over and grasped his shirts collar, while reaching around him with my other arm to effectively box him in. "I don't know what I did girlie, but it was probably Yosaku!"

"H-hey! I don't know this chick either! But if there's a kid involved, I definitely don't owe child support!"

"Oh, shut up you idiots!" I growled, still holding Johnny's shirt. I could guess that they assumed I was the consequence of a one-nights stand or something, and was a little pissed, but I had bigger things to worry about. "All I need you to do is tell me one thing. The Straw Hats are still here, right? Right!?"

"Wh-what are you talking about!?" Johnny stumbled, unable to meet my fiery gaze. "They left this morning, right Yosaku?"

"Fuck!" I cursed, releasing the terrified man and spinning away, throwing my arms up in the air in disgust. "Fucking hell, IROB!? REALLY!?"

After all this. I had made my way to East Blue, crossing half the planet. I had survived my prison experience. I made sure to check the papers before leaving Loguetown, and planned my journey carefully, and then after ALL THIS fighting and hard work… and they're already gone before I even get there?

It was like a bad joke. Last thing I heard of Luffy was when Morgan had just been arrested like two weeks ago! How the hell did Luffy clear all the East Blue in that time!? The Baratie took up at least a week, and lets not forget about travel times or the length of time this damned party had gone on for!

"Umm… are you okay?" a voice asked. "You've been bashing your head against that wall for like a minute now, and the bleeding is kind of bothering me."

I turned, spotted Yosaku and then I lunged at his collar with both hands, shaking him like a man possessed. "It doesn't add up! Mother fucker, the timeline just doesn't make sense!"

Yosaku looked aside to Johnny, who clearly wasn't going to come near me with a ten foot stick, and mouthed 'oh shit, I think she's cracked'.

Still, Yosaku didn't deserve my anger. I pushed him away and looked up to the sky. I pointed menacingly at a cloud and imagined it to be IROB's dumbass Morgan Freeman-esque face. I knew that thing was listening. I knew it was watching. I knew it was _laughing_. "Oh, fuck you IROB. You think this is funny? Let me struggle so _damn_ hard, dangle my dreams in front of me like a carrot then jerk it away just when I get close? I'll show you funny."

"Umm… who are you talking to now?"

"Shut up Yosaku." I said, concisely and politely, before returning to the important conversation at hand. "I'm not giving up. Oh no. You think this will make me throw in the towel? Get real. The Abyss is'a lookin', and I am NOT going to blink! You underestimate my tenacity, my stubborn will and my _spite_. I'm gonna keep going, damn it, and I WILL find the motherfucking Straw Hat pirates!"

A polite cough, from Johnny this time. "Umm… you might be a little deranged since you're yelling at the sky and stuff, but did you just say that you seek Luffy Bro?"

"I do." I acknowledged, then pressed on first to my open palm. "And I won't be stopped here."

"Well, you see…" Johnny didn't know quite how to say it and scratched his chin nervously. "I don't know _why_ you're after them, but you should stop. Don't know how they pissed you off, but Luffy Bro and Zoro Bro and Big Sis Nami are all pretty damm tough. I mean, they beat _Arlong_. So whatever beef you got-"

I laughed at his words, waving them aside. "Silly Johnny. I'm pursuing them to _join them_."

"Ehhhhhhh?" Looks of complete shock and denial. "You? Join the Straw Hats?"

I felt my temper begin to fray. "What!? What's so surprising about that?"

"It's just, they're so cool, and you're just this cute girl, you know? Do you even know how to throw a punch?"

I sighed and rubbed my head in annoyance. Now I was just getting sick and tired of being underestimated just because I was cute on the eyes and lacked a dick between my legs. If I was a cute _guy_ then this wouldn't be a problem. So, I walked away from the town centre, gesturing for the two to follow me. I found the nearest tree then repeated the trick I used at the dock- all but demolishing the thick tree with a single punch.

"Okay, Devil Fruit Bullshit. You're probably tough enough to join 'em." The duo nodded their heads in agreement, one arm across their chests and the other at their mouths, completely mirroring each other.

"I am _so_ happy you agree." My smile surely didn't reach my eyes. "So yes. I intend to join them. We'll go on awesome adventures. It's gonna be _magical_ , understand?"

Yosaku raised his arm, as if he were a schoolboy questioning an intimidating teacher. "Uh, but Sis, won't that be kind of hard since they fucked off this morning?"

And this is the crux of the matter. My smile faded. "And thus you see my quandary."

"Well, they only left this morning. If you left now you might catch up to them." Hurriedly suggested Johnny.

"Bro has a point!" His companion agreed. "Don't give up quite yet, Sis!"

"There!" I shouted, prodding him with a very aggressive poke. "And that's another thing! Don't call me Sis!" Because I knew that was gonna piss me off quickly if they started calling me that and it became habit.

"Y-yes boss!" He cried instead, while Johnny interjected to shield his Bro with his own body. "Forgive us! Don't take your pent-up anger out upon my poor, unfortunate Bro!"

I coughed loudly. "Stop grovelling. Just… call me Sam, okay?"

"V-very well then, Sam." Johnny reluctantly said. He looked kind of scared at the moment, and I didn't blame him.

"Sorry." I said, looking away with a frown (Not a pout, damn it!). "Look, I know I'm being a bit of a bitch but I'm kinda…"

"Stressed?" Yosaku hazarded a guess.

"Yup. Disappointed too." I admitted. "It's a bad day to get on my bad side, I'd say." That seemed to lighten the mood a little bit, anyhow. The duo didn't quite seem so terrified, anyway.

"S-so… what are you gonna do now?" Johnny asked the pressing question.

"I have an idea or two." I muttered, scrutinising the two. Johnny and Yosaku- the two weakling bounty hunters, whom just so happened to have the base minimum qualifications necessary to be able to make a career out of hunting bounties, while also being relatively close to the Straw Hats…

"Hmm…" I scratched my chin for a bit, before the metaphorical light bulb flickered on and off in my mind- the beginning of a Cunning Plan forming. "Hey, you two carry swords. You're bounty hunters, right?"

"Umm… yes?" Johnny nodded his head, not really seeing where I was going.

"And would you say that you get along well with the Straw Hats?"

Yosaku proudly puffed up his chest. "I'd say that we're their best buds, we are!"

I clapped my hands together in satisfaction, a sincere smile upon my features. "In that case then, would the two of you care to accept a job offer?"

"A job offer?" Johhny spoke seriously, stepping forwards and taking on the position as the business spokesperson of the two.

"A job. One involving the hunting and pursuit of specific individuals." I clarified with a toothy grin. "After all, the Straw Hats won't catch up to themselves, will they?"

 **AN- and so kicks off the East Blue Arc. Oh, silly Sam! Of course it wouldn't be that easy to find the Straw Hat Pirates. You're gonna have to** _ **work for that**_ **. *Assumes the Gendo Ikari position***

 **In other news, Sam has some long-awaited encounters with some canon characters. Yay? (Smoker fans, please don't kill me). So yeah. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Undying Soul out.**


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